The Really Useful Guide To Alcohol – Rowan Atkinson

Best One-Liners

• I’m not fat. I’m just easier to see.
• Never trust a dog to watch your food.
• My boss said, have a good day. So I went home.
• A clean desk is a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
• For maximum attention, nothing beats saying something stupid.
• I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
• Why is it that everyone seems normal until you get to know them?
• How is it that I always seem to buy plants without the will to live?
• The importance of teamwork is that there’s always someone else to blame.
• We must support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
• One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
• Why do we refer to the day we do all our household chores as a day off?
• The other man’s grass may be greener, but at least you don’t have to mow it.
• If we’re not supposed to eat at night, why’s there a light in the refrigerator?

Maybe They Should Just Pick Each Other Up

Boyfriend Texting: Babe what are you doing?

Girlfriend Texting: Nothing, I’m really tired. Just going to sleep now honey. And you sweetheart?

Boyfriend Texting: In the club standing behind you.

Bitchy Comments

• You’re wearing that dress for a bet, surely?
• She’s not a drinker but she certainly likes a whine.
• I don’t need your drama. Go bother someone else.
• Hey, balls just called. They want you to grow a pair.
• I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you right now.
• I’m not responsible for what my face does when you talk.
• There are two things I dislike about you girl. Your face!
• Yes, I am crazy and you’d be unwise to mess with crazy.
• Being opinionated is not the same as being informed dear.
• OMG! She’s really been hit with the ugly stick, hasn’t she?
• Nice dress! Where did you buy it, Dick’s Sporting Goods?
• I’ve met some pricks in my time but you’re the full cactus.
• I try to see the best in people but you certainly make it hard.
• You’re upset with me? So what! I don’t exist just to please you.
• I may have multiple personalities but none of them like you.
• Oh, there’s a new man in your life. Does he still have his own hair?
• If you want to lose weight quickly, you could always shave your legs.
• What you think of me can’t be half as bad as my opinion of you.
• I’d say something complimentary about you but I’m not that dishonest.
• I don’t hate you but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
• You’re confusing me with someone who cares what you think.
• I’m as nice as the next girl until life forces me to unleash the Bitch.
• You remind me of a penny. Two-faced and not worth much.
• I’d beat you with a hammer but you’re not worth the jail time.
• You’re such a fake I’m guessing you were made in China.
• I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your comprehension.
• Feel free to judge me when you’re perfect. Oh, that would be never then.
• No, I didn’t intend to offend you. That was just a bonus for which I’m grateful.
• Don’t hate me because I’m attractive. Hate me because my boobs are bigger than yours.
• Leave sarcasm to the professionals, sweetie. You’ll get hurt if you play with fire.

The Marriage Proposal

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Johnny instantly replies, “Our allowance…Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.”

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won’t have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, “Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says “Well, we’ve been lucky so far…”

Dirty Jokes

You Have Been Warned

• What’s still together after all the sh*t they’ve been through? Your butt cheeks.
• What comes after 69? Mouthwash.
• Want to know a proven way a man and woman can be friends without s3x? Marriage.
• Why don’t witches wear underwear? Because they need a better grip.
• What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together we can stop this sh*t.
• What rhymes with kick? Pick (You have a dirty mind)
• What is the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear and one’s a great year.
• How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? Because his right hand caught on fire.
• What’s long and hard and full of seamen? A submarine
• What goes in hard and comes out soft and wet? Chewing gum.
• How do you spot a blind guy at a nude beach? It’s not hard.
• If a little person says your hair smells nice. Is that s3xual harassment?
• What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don’t get the proper support, people will think we’re nuts.
• Why do boys fart louder than girls? Because they have a microphone and two speakers.
• What’s the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
• Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter? Pretty nuts!
• What are three words in the English language no one wants to say or hear? “Is it in?”

Soon They’ll All Serve The Same Stuff

Taco Bell is selling fries.

Burger King is selling tacos.

KFC is putting Cheetos on chicken sandwiches.

I knew we shouldn’t have legalized marijuana.

Paraprosdokians

(Winston Churchill loved them)
Are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Enjoy! You’re sure to find a favorite.

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

The Rooster

A farmer decided he wanted to go into town to see a movie.

As he was standing in line for a ticket, the ticket agent says to him. “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

“Well,” said the farmer, “this here’s my pet rooster, Chuck. I never go anywhere without Chuck.”

“Sir, I’m sorry,” the ticket agent responds, “but we don’t allow any animals in the auditorium.”

Now the farmer is a wily old operator, and he knows how to work around a problem.

So, he disappears around the corner and stuffs the rooster down his overalls. Then he returns to the ticket booth, buys a ticket, and walks off to take his seat.

On this occasion, he’s seated next to two old women, Maude and Daisy.

The movie starts and naturally the rooster begins to get restless. So, the old farmer unbuttons his fly so Chuck could stick his head out to watch the movie.

“Daisy,” says Maude, whispering.

“What is it, Maude?” Daisy responds.

“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”

“What makes you think so?” Daisy asks.

“He just undid his pants, and he’s got his thing out,” whispers Maude.

“So, why worry?” Daisy responds, “at your age, it’s not like you haven’t seen one before. When you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

“Well, that’s what I thought,” Maude responded, “but this one’s eating my popcorn.“

Quotes By Mae West:

• A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up.
• I used to be Snow White but I drifted.
• Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
• To err is human but it feels divine.
• I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.
• It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
• You only live once but if you do it right, once is enough.
• Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.
• I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
• He who hesitates is a damned fool.
• Virtue has its own reward, but no sale at the box office.
• Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
• When I’m good, I’m very good but when I’m bad I’m better.
• I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.
• Marriage is a great institution but I’m not ready for an institution.

Washing The Dog

Little Johnny went into the store and after some searching around he picked out a large box of laundry detergent.

Having been observing Johnny for a few minutes, the store assistant asked him whether he had a lot of laundry to do.

“No”, said Johnny, “I’m not doing any laundry. I’m going to wash my little dog.”

The store assistant frowned at him and said, “Listen, sonny, that’s a powerful detergent and far too strong for washing a small dog. It could make him ill or perhaps even kill him if you’re not careful.”

Undeterred Little Johnny said he’d take the detergent anyway, and then he paid the man and left the store.

A week later Little Johnny was back in the store to buy a Hershey bar. The store assistant saw him and said, “Hey Johnny how’s your little dog?”

“Oh, he died,” said Little Johnny.

“I’m sorry to hear that son but I did warn you about that detergent,” the store assistant replied.

“I don’t think it was the detergent,” said Little Johnny.

“Really?” said the store assistant, “So what was it then?”

“He looked like he was coping very well until the washing machine went into the spin cycle,” Little Johnny replied.

Well What Did You Think Being A Nanny Was All About?

Yeh, She’s Just An Asshole

Just In Case You Need An Example

Because Everyone Knows Where It’s Been

Don’t Ya Just Love Living In An Apartment

All Together Now… EWWWWW!!!!

Why Didn’t I Think Of This?

Damn Racists!

The Internet In Real Life

Yeh, American Cartoons Are Much Better