You don’t need to know German to get this.

Sober Sex

21st Century

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

‘This is the 21st century, old man,’ he said. ‘We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.’

I can tell you, that bloody mosquito never knew what hit it.

Comments From Patients Made While Undergoing Colonoscopies

1. “Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”
2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
3. “Can you hear me NOW?”
4. “Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!”
5. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
6. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”
7. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
8. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey…”
9. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
10.”If your hand doesn’t fit, you must acquit!”
11. “Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
12. “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”
13. “Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?”

It’s Not Difficult

To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly.
45. Love shopping.
46. Be honest.
47. Be very rich.
48. Not stress her out.
49. Not look at other girls.

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself.
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself.
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.

53. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT to never forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Feed Him.
2. Fuck Him.
3. Shut The Fuck Up.

Were All Glad Of That

I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

Five Pearls Of Wisdom

1. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.
2. Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

Who Said That

“Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances.”
– Dr. Lee DeForest, “Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television.”

“The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.”
– Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project

“There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.”
– Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.”
– Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.”
– Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.”
–The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

“But what is it good for?”
– Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

“640K ought to be enough for anybody.”
– Bill Gates, 1981

This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us,”
– Western Union internal memo, 1876.

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?”
– David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible,”
– A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper,”
–Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”

“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make,”
– Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.

“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out,”
– Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible,”
– Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

“If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment.
The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this,”
- – Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-It” Notepads.

“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy,”
– Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.”
– Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

“Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value,”
– Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre, France

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.”
– Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

“The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required.”
– Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University

“I don’t know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn’t be a feasible business by itself.”
– Thomas Watson, the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.

“Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.”
– Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

“The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon,”
– Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

And last but not least…

“Everything that can be invented has been invented,”
– Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

More Ways To Annoy People

1. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
2. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
3. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each “a.”
4. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
5. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
6. Wear a LOT of cologne.
7. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
8. Sing along at the opera.
9. Mow your lawn with scissors.
10. At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”
11. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
13. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”
14. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
15. Never make eye contact.
16. Never break eye contact.
17. Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.

You Know Its Going To Be A Bad Day When…

You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren’t any.
You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
You wake up to realize your waterbed broke and then discover you don’t have a waterbed.
Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
You put both contacts in one eye.
Your income tax check bounces.

That last one actually happened in California

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear From A Guy At Starbucks

10. “We ran out of coffee filters, so I’m using one of my old undershirts.”
9. “Try our triple espresso — It’s a legal alternative to crack.”
8. “Let me make sure that’s not too hot.”
7. “You know, I licked every one of these stirrers.”
6. “One Decaf Venti Skim Latte — $39 dollars.”
5. “Sugar with that?”
4. “Grande Caramel Macchaito? Talk English!”
3. “If I catch any of you people going into a Dunkin’ Donuts for coffee, I’ll break your legs!”
2. “Some whipped cream for you… and some whipped cream for me.”
1. “After work, I’m gonna pick up a hooker-uccino.”

You Might Be A Redneck If…

Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
You have a relative living in your garage.
Your neighbor asked to borrow a quart of beer.
There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
None of the tires on your van are the same size.
You hold up the hood of your truck with your head while you work on it.
Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.
Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
You’ve ever slow danced in the Waffle House.
Starting your car involves popping the hood.
Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
You whistle at women in church.
You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
You’ve been in a fistfight at a yard sale.
You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the back seat.
You think people who have cell phones and e-mail are uppity.

The First Of Osama Bin Laden 72 Virgins

He Thought He Was Haven Me For Lunch! Yeh Right!

I Don’t Care How Cool Of A Business Card It Is It’s Freekin Me Out!!!

Congratulations On Getting Engaged To My Best Friend!

Oh Really, Then Can I Get A Refund?

You Can Have Either Algae Bloom Or Toxic Waste, Take Your Pick

Little Early There Don’t Ya Think Bub?

Whatever Their Paying You It Isn’t Enough

So If Everyone Jumps Off Are You Going To Do It To?

Oh, I Forgot To Tell You…What Ever You Do Don’t Cut The Red Wire…Hello?