Monty Pythons Worshipers

25 Best Country Songs Titles Of All Time

1. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye!
2. I Don’t Know whether To Kill Myself or Go Bowling
3. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
4. I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don’t Run – So we’re even
5. Mamma Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
6. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me
7. She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles
8. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
9. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
10. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
11. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Getting’ Better
12. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
13. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
14. I’m So Miserable Without You; It’s like Having You Here
15. I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin’On My Back And Cryin’ Over You
16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
19. Please Bypass This Heart
20. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
21. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
22. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
23. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
24. She’s Lookin’ Better After Every Beer
25. I Haven’t Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, But I’ve Sure Woke Up With a Few

Highway Patrolmen’s Balls

A woman in a Porsche, as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer.

When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, “I bet you’re going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman’s Ball.”

He replied, “No ma’am, Highway Patrolmen don’t have Balls.”

There followed a moment of silence while he realized what he’d said and she tried not to smile.

Then, without a word, he closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and rode away.

Bad Domain Names

All of these are companies that didn’t spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear – and be misread…

Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is,
www.whorepresents.com/

Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange Advice and views at,
www.expertsexchange.com/

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at,
www.penisland.net/

Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at,
www.therapistfinder.com/

There’s the Italian Power Generator company,
www.powergenitalia.com/

And don’t forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales,
www.molestationnursery.com/

If you’re looking for IP computer software, there’s always,
www.ipanywhere.com/

The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is,
www.cummingfirst.com/

And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
www.speedofart.com/

How To Get A 3 Day Pass

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says, “Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!”

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked, “How did you do it?”

“Well, I jumped in a tank and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up. The Arab tank put his white flag up.

I said to the Arab soldier, “Do you want to get a three-day pass?”

So we exchanged tanks!

Beer Vs. Religion

Top ten reasons beer is better than religion:

1. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer
2. Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex.
3. Beer has never caused a major war.
4. They don’t force Beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.
5. When you have Beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away.
6. Nobody has ever been burned at the stake, hanged or tortured over their brand of Beer.
7. You don’t have to wait more than 2000 years for a second Beer.
8. There are laws saying that Beer labels can’t lie to you.
9. You can prove you have a Beer.
10. If you’ve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

Not Exactly The Answer The Teacher Was Looking For

English Teacher: “Give me the opposite of this sentence: ‘Children In the dark make mistakes’”

Student: “Mistakes in the dark make Children”

Teacher: “Get Out”

Code Words For “Fuck You”

• Bless your heart.
• You do you.
• Good luck with that.
• Let me know how that goes for you.
• Don’t take this personally, but…
• Just sayin
• With all due respect. . .
• That’s cute…
• If you say so…
• I say this with affection…
• I’m not trying to offend you, but…
• I’m sorry you feel that way.
• Well that’s nice.
• Good for you!
• That’s an interesting perspective.
• Yeaaahhh, ok
• Isn’t that precious?
• Aren’t you special?!
• Seriously?
• You THINK so?
• Whatever

Why Capital Letters Are Important

Dear people who type in all lowercase.

We are the difference between “helping your Uncle Jack off a horse” and “helping your uncle jack off a horse”.

Sincerely,
Capital Letters.

Letters To Landlords

Allegedly genuine extracts from letters sent to landlords:

• I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
• The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.
• This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
• The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
• I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
• I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
• Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
• I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
• I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.
• The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
• The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
• Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
• Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
• Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
• Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
• I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.
• Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
• I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
• When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

A $2 Bill

The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn’t one of those “had to be there” things.

On my way home from the second job I’ve taken for the extra holiday cash I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting pissed at me.

Me:
“Hi, I’d like one seven layer burrito please, to go.”
Staff:
“Is that it?”
Me:
“Yep.”
Staff:
“That’ll be $1.04, eat here?”
Me:
“No, it’s *to* *go*.” [I hate effort duplication.]

At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

Staff:
“Uh, hang on a sec, I’ll be right back.”

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.

Staff:
“Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?”
Manager:
“No. A what?”
Staff:
“A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.”
Manager:
“Ask for something else, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL.”
Staff:
“Yeah, thought so.”

He comes back to me and says.

Staff:
“We don’t take these. Do you have anything else?”
Me:
“Just this fifty. You don’t take $2 bills? Why?”
Staff:
“I don’t know.”
Me:
“See here where it says legal tender?”
Staff:
“Yeah.”
Me:
“So, shouldn’t you take it?”
Staff:
“Well, hang on a sec.”

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I’m going to shoplift, and…

Staff:
“He says I have to take it.”
Manager:
“Doesn’t he have anything else?”
Staff:
“Yeah, a fifty. I’ll get it and you can open the safe and get change.”
Manager:
“I’M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE.” [my emphasis]
Staff:
“What should I do?”
Manager:
“Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money.”
Staff:
“I can’t tell him that, you tell him.”
Manager:
“Just tell him.”
Staff:
“No way, this is weird, I’m going in back.”

The manager approaches me and says,

Manager:
“Sorry, we don’t take big bills this time of night.” [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]
Me:
“Well, here’s a two.”
Manager:
“We don’t take *those* either.”
Me:
“Why the hell not?”
Manager:
“I think you *know* why.”
Me:
“No really, tell me, why?”
Manager:
“Please leave before I call mall security.”
Me:
“Excuse me?”
Manager:
“Please leave before I call mall security.”
Me:
“What the hell for?”
Manager:
“Please, sir.”
Me:
“Uh, go ahead, call them.”
Manager:
“Would you please just leave?”
Me:
“No.”
Manager:
“Fine, have it your way then.”
Me:
“No, that’s Burger King, isn’t it?”

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]

Security Guard:
“Yeah, Mike, what’s up?”
Manager:
“This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money.”
Security Guard:
“Really? What?”
Manager:
“Get this, a *two* dollar bill.”
Security Guard:
“Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?” [incredulous]
Manager:
“I don’t know? He’s kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty.”
Security Guard:
“So, the fifty’s fake?”
Manager:
“NO, the $2 is.”
Security Guard:
“Why would he fake a $2 bill?”
Manager:
“I don’t know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?”
Security Guard:
“Yeah…”

Security guard walks over to me and says,

Security Guard:
“Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you’re trying to use.”
Me:
“Uh, no.”
Security Guard:
“Lemme see ‘em.”
Me:
“Why?”
Security Guard:
“Do you want me to get the cops in here?”

At this point I was ready to say, “SURE, PLEASE,” but I wanted to eat, so I said,

Me:
“I’m just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill.”

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says,

Security Guard:
“Mike, what’s wrong with this bill?”
Manager:
“It’s fake.”
Security Guard:
“It doesn’t look fake to me.”
Manager:
“But it’s a $2 bill.”
Security Guard:
“Yeah?”
Manager:
“Well, there’s no such thing, is there?”

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.

My burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.

And Gets Arrested

Soooo, How Do You Get Inside?

I Always Suspected

Finally A Restaurant That Understands

So What Do You Think Went Wrong In This Project?

The Perfect Time To Throw A Party!

Or They’ll Know You Stole Their Weed

Talk About A Smart Collaboration

Wow, Does He Need Another Beer!

Well At Least Their Honest About It