Tim Conway on The Carol Burnett Show

Broken Penis Prank

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Three words to ruin a man’s ego…?
A: “Is it in?”

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.”
Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
A: Her navel.

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
A: He doesn’t want anyone knowing he’s been fu(king the chickens!

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.

Q: What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Q: What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.

Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!

Q: If women with big tits work at Hooters, where do women with only one leg work?
A: IHOP!

Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What’s the job application to Hooters?
A: They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out.

Q: Why don’t blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of their dogs!

Q: What do you get when you mix puppies and rabbits?
A: Puppets.

Q: What do you call a redneck bursting into flames?
A: A Fire Cracker!

Q: What’s the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
A: You can drop them off anywhere.

Q: Why don’t they teach Driver’s Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?
A: They don’t want to wear out the camel.

Bad Things To Hear On An Airplane

10. This is your captain speaking and I don’t feel that life is worth living anymore.
9. We’re cruising at an altitude of… ah, hell, I don’t know.
8. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does?
7. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!…Just kidding.
6. Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep ‘em coming!
5. This is…uh…this is…uh…your…hmm. I seem to have lost my memory.
4. Passengers on the left side of the plane — does that engine sound funny to you?
3. Welcome aboard flight 109 — you bunch of jerks!
2. Good God, Steve! We’re going to crash! Oops — is this intercom on?
1. We’ll be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or another.

Complete vs Finished

COMPLETE and FINISHED No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that’s easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. I beg to differ because there is. When you marry the right woman, you are “COMPLETE”.

And when you marry the wrong one, you are “FINISHED”!

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are…”COMPLETELY FINISHED”!!

I hope this explains it simply and to the point

Condom Slogans

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same slogans

Nike Condoms – Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms – The ride of your life.
KFC Condoms – Finger licking good.
Safeway Condoms – Lightening the load.
Coca Cola Condoms – The real thing.
Ever Ready Condoms – keep going and going.
Macintosh Condoms – It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple
Pringles Condoms – once you pop, you can’t stop
Burger king Condoms – Home of the whopper
Goodyear Condoms – “for a longer ride go wide”
Ames Real Estate Condoms – we go the extra mile.
On Digital Condoms – plug and play!!!!
U.S. mail Condoms – I saw this and thought of you.
Renault Condoms – size really does matter!
Heinekin Condoms – reaches parts that other Condoms just cannot reach
Polo Condoms – the condom with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!)

How To Shower

Like A Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband looking, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah Scrunchie and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband looking once again, cover up any exposed areas.

Like A Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of enclosure or door not closed properly the whole time.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

Painfully Funny Obituaries

You’d die of embarrassment if these phrases appeared in your obituary:

“She leaves behind a brother and 117 cats.”
“Passed away in a failed stunt that has already been viewed more than 40 million times on YouTube.”
“Was always quick to point out others’ grammatical errors.”
“Survived by his parents and his animatronic wife, Elizabot.”
“Frederic Clark excelled at mediocrity and enjoyed a lifelong love affair with bacon, butter, cigars, and bourbon.”
“He never peed in the shower … on purpose”
“Many of his childhood friends who weren’t killed or maimed in various wars became petty criminals, prostitutes, and/or Republicans”

Three Nuns Quitting

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, “We don’t want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?”

The mother told them, “Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours.”

So the nuns left thinking, “What can I do that’s unholy?”

The next day they went to the mother one at a time.

The mother said to the first nun, “What unholy thing did you do?”

The nun replied, “I stole a kid’s bike.”

The mother said, “I guess that will do, go drink some holy water.”

When the nun did she wasn’t a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, “What unholy thing did you do?”

The nun replied, “I slept with a married man!”

The mother said, “Well, that’s sinning. Go drink holy water.”

The third nun walked in and the mother said, “What unholy thing did you do?”

The third nun said proudly, “I pissed in the holy water!”

Why We Love Children

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

4) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a police officer? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

5) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

6) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

7) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’
‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

8 ) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

Top 10 Reasons Its Great To Be A Canadian

1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings soar.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

You Do The Math

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

Chick-Fil-A Is Just An Ass Hole But What About The Other Guys?

What Are You Lookin At?

Just Because They Can Rhyme Doesn’t Mean They’re Right

Good, Then Tell Him To Eat Your Cooking Cause I Sure Can’t

Pretty In Pink

Surfs Up Dude!

All You Need Are The Right Steroids Kid

Sometimes Lawyers Are Just Too Practical

Do Us All A Favor And See If The Wings Really Work

Mom, Dad, Meet Your New Daughter In Law