If Horror Movies Starred Black People

Better Comebacks For When Someone Calls You Fat

• “You’re just mad because your insults have more calories than I do.” – Turn their own words against them.
• “I didn’t realize my body was on your to-do list. Maybe try fixing yourself first.” – Remind them to stay in their lane.
• “You must be on a diet from manners because you clearly haven’t had any lately.” – Savage, but true.
• “Cool story, bro.” – Dismiss them with this classic.
• “And?” – The perfect response when you want to keep it short and sweet.
• “That’s cute.” – Because their insult is anything but.
• “Thanks for your opinion, but no one asked for it.” – Politely tell them to keep it to themselves.
• “I’ve heard better.” – Let them know their insult game is weak.
• (For Girls) “You know, real men don’t care about size. What’s your excuse?” – Challenge his manhood, just a bit.
• (For Guys) “Is that the best you’ve got? Because I’ve got a million comebacks ready.” – Show confidence without breaking a sweat.
• (For Girls) “If my weight bothers you, then maybe you should find someone who fits your narrow standards.” – Let him know you’re not here to change.
• (For Guys) “You’re still trying to impress me with that weak insult? Try again.” – Keep it cool and collected.
• (For Girls) “I may be fat, but I’m also fabulous. Can you say the same?” – Own your body with pride.
• (For Guys) “I’d rather be fat than shallow.” – Remind them that there’s more to life than looks.
• “You know, know-it-alls like you always think they’ve got everyone figured out, but you clearly don’t know a thing about me.”
• “Didn’t your mom ever teach you not to say anything if you can’t say something nice?” – Go for the classic mom wisdom.
• “Thanks for your unsolicited opinion! It’s been ignored.” – Acknowledge and dismiss in one go.
• “I didn’t realize my weight was a trending topic. Thanks for the publicity!” – Turn their insult into your spotlight.
• “You’ve clearly got a lot of time on your hands if you’re worried about my weight.” – Point out their priorities.
• “You must be really bored to be trolling strangers online. Get a hobby.” – Call out their sad existence.
• “Seriously? You’re spending your time trolling people online? Get a life and focus on something that actually matters.”

A Woman Pointed At Her & Said That’s Why You Keep Your Legs Closed In School. But Her Comeback Shut Her Up For Good.

(I’m 26 but quite petite, so I often get mistaken for being a lot younger. I’m also married and seven months pregnant. I’m at a higher end department store trying on dresses. I’m just leaving the changing room with a very helpful salesgirl. The next person goes in leaving a customer and her teen daughter next in line.)

Customer: *in a stage whisper* “See! That’s why you keep your legs closed at school. So you don’t end up buying your prom dress looking like that.”

(Her daughter goes red as several other customers stare in disbelief.)

Daughter: “For God’s sake, mum! Shut up!”

Me: “Oh, no, your mum’s right. That’s exactly what my mum told me. When I was 16. 10 years ago.”

(The customer reddens as her daughter glares at her.)

Me: “So what I did was, I studied hard at school, went to university, and got a degree. I started my own business, bought a car, and then a house. I met my partner, dated for a couple of years, then got married. Now that we’re financially comfortable we’re having a baby. I’m not saying that’s for everyone but you don’t want to wake up one day to find you’re 50, miserable, bigoted, and
rude.”

Customer: *very embarrassed by everyone’s stares* “I’m only 42!”

Me: “I’m sure that’s what your daughter will remember about today.”

New Viruses

Titanic virus…………….Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus……………..Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson virus………….Quits after one byte.

Prozac virus……………..Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.

Sharon Stone virus………..Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.

Lorena Bobbit virus……….Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Tim Allen virus…………..Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

Woody Allen virus…………Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Tonya Harding virus……….Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

George Michaels virus……..Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

Joey Buttafuoco virus……..Only attacks minor files

X-files virus……..All your Icons start shape shifting.

Spice Girl virus………….Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Ronald Reagan virus……….Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus…..Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

AT&T virus……………….Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus………………..Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Martha Stewart virus………Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.

Oprah Winfrey virus……….Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Henry, Mom, And Math Homework

Henry was doing math homework, saying to himself.
“2+5, the son of a bitch is 7″
“3+6, the son of a bitch is 9″

His mother heard this & asked, “Henry! What is this nonsense you are doing?”

“Oh Mom. Don’t disturb. I am doing my math homework”

Mom: “Is this how your teacher taught you?”

“Yes mom”

Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher.
“Are you teaching math to children by saying, 2+2, the son of a bitch is 4?

There was silence for a moment

Then the teacher started laughing “What I taught them was… 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4.”

Better Savage Comebacks for “You’re a Smartass”

1. “I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
2. “I’m not sarcastic. I’m just a realist in denial.”
3. “I’d explain it, but I don’t have time to dumb it down for you.”
4. “I don’t have the energy to pretend you’re making sense.”
5. “I’d love to see things from your perspective, but I’m not sure I can get my head that far up…”
6. “Wow, you really mastered the art of saying a lot with no substance.”
7. “You remind me of a cloud—fluffy and full of hot air.”
8. “Keep talking, maybe someday you’ll say something intelligent.”
9. “If only your brain was as big as your ego.”
10. “You have the right to remain silent. Just saying, you should use it.”
11. “You should start a podcast called ‘Nobody Asked.’”
12. “I’d respond, but I’m not fluent in ‘clueless.’”
13. “I’ll let you finish your little moment.”
14. “Let me know when you’ve updated your software.”
15. “Talking trash isn’t going to change the fact that you’re still garbage at this.”
16. “And just like that, you lost Wi-Fi privileges.”
17. “Can I interest you in a tutorial on how to be relevant?”
18. “This comment section has officially reached peak cringe. Congrats.”

Mother’s Milk

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang, indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7. It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

He got an A.

Things You Should Never Say To Someone With Big Boobs

1. “Ugh, I wish my boobs were as big as yours.”
Do you want the back pain, the not being able to find bras in your size, and the inability to jump without knocking yourself out too?
2. “Actually, OK, maybe not THAT big.”
We’re so glad you let us in on that conclusion you’ve come to.
3. “Seriously, can you share some with me!?”
How is that ever going to happen? But, yeah, sure.
4. “You know how many things I could fit in just one of your bra cups??”
A full-sized elephant? A baby humpback whale? The Titanic pre-iceberg?
5. “You should really consider wearing sexier bras.”
Sorry, we really need the coverage and support so that our boobs don’t just jump ship and expose themselves one by one.
6. “Stop hiding those things! You need to flaunt what you got!”
We really don’t know if the world is prepared for that.
7. “Whoa, boobs are out tonight!”
MAKE UP YOUR MIND!
8. “Are you seriously complaining about having big boobs right now?”
Yes, and as long as we have back pain, all the boob sweat, and endless shopping struggles, it will continue.
9. “What size T-shirt do you want?”
Guys, it is actually impossible for us to know what size T-shirt will fit the girls until we’ve tried it on.
10. “When you get bored do you ever just…play with them?”
Yes…actually, yes, we do.
11. “What are you going to do when they start going south?”
We’re going to go braless every damn day and wave them around in all their saggy glory. That’s what we’re going to do.
12. “So how much do you think they weigh?”
Wait hold on let us get our special boob scale.
13. “I bet that backless top would look amazing on you!”
Hope you’re excited to see our bras then!
14. “You could just wear a cute bandeau!”
Until they make them in special gravity-defying form, we’ll pass.
15. “Do you ever get things lost in there?”
*Sigh*
16. *Literally anything said while someone is making direct eye-to-boob contact.*
Um…up here?
17. “Have you ever considered getting a breast reduction?”
Have you ever considered minding your own damn business?
18. “Why aren’t you wearing a strapless bra with that?”
Because gravity.
19. “OK, let’s start with some jumping jacks!”
*Grabs boobs in preparation*
20. “Those things probably make the best pillows.”
You’ll never find out.
21. “Damn, I couldn’t even fit those in my hands!”
Well, it’s a good thing we didn’t offer you the job, then.
22. “You know, I’m actually a boobs guy/girl.”
*Cue slow clap*
23. “Ooh, try on this cute button-down!”
We’ve been over this before, people.
24. “You’ve totally got the boobs for that dress/shirt/swimsuit.”
Because we all just dress for our chests, right?
25. “But, actually though…are those real?”
Ask us again. Seriously, ask us that one more time.

No One Wanted The Crabs?

A lawyer boarded an plane in Dublin with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crews fridge.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in London, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Dublin, please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up…. So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes arent as dumb as most folk think

Top Ten Lines From Internet Chat Rooms

1. You’re different… I’ve never felt like this about someone I’ve never met before.
2. I’m new online and haven’t had time to create a profile… but tell me more about yourself.
3. I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I’m getting excited.
4. I’m 5’4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body!
5. I’m 6’0, great tan, and buffed from working out.
6. Yes of course I’m female…
7. I’m in this private room consoling a depressed friend.
8. No this is my only screen name… You mean you can have more then one?
9. I’m not like most of the guy’s/gal’s here, I want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other. (at the hotel coffee shop)
10. I don’t care what you look like, it’s what’s on the inside that counts (Which is true, it means: I’m h@rny and could care less, just type)

Tampon String

A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and cant remember anything he did last night.

He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on. He notices there’s something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.

He thinks to himself, “Uh oh. What happened last

He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his gown.

Again he thinks, “What happened last night. What have I done? It must have been a wild party,” making his best attempt to conclude and accept the evidence.

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror.

He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is, “If there’s a God, please let this be a tea bag.”

Can’t Wait

Be Careful What You Wish For

It’s A Great Day To Be A Squirrel

The End Of Solitary Confinement

Word Of Advise Kid, Don’t Go In Without Knocking

Some Married Men Just Need More Help

Well How Did You Think They Worked

I’m Sure You’re Teacher Feels The Same Way

That’s Pretty Extreme Photoshop

He Can’t Be Charged With Murder If There’s No Body