World’s Worst Football Coach – A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Actual Analogies Used By High School Students In English Essays

1. When she tried to sing, it sounded like a walrus giving birth to farm equipment.
2. Her eyes twinkled, like the mustache of a man with a cold.
3. She was like a magnet: Attractive from the back, repulsive from the front.
4. The ballerina rose gracefully and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
5. She grew on him like she was a colony of coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
6. She had him like a toenail stuck in a shag carpet.
7. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.

If Fuckboys Texts Were Honest…

Sorry it took me 3 days to reply to your message, but I was busy watching TV, going out with friends, working, swiping on tinder and fucking another woman. Just know that I haven’t forgotten you, I just need to fuck two more women who have been waiting longer than you. After that I promise you’ll be next. Be patient baby, keep believing in us.

The Top 10 Reasons Your Disney Cruise Was Delayed

1. Pluto’s “accident” on Deck 3
2. Room service using Aladdin was getting out of hand.
3. Exterminator killed off “rat” problem only to discover they were Mickey and Minnie’s cousins.
4. Drunken dispute between Donald and The Mighty Ducks over who was mightier.
5. Charo kept showing up.
6. The Beast from “Beauty and the Beast” kept eating the midnight buffet.
7. The Seven Dwarfs vandalized the ship after failing to meet the “You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride” Requirements.
8. Stench of seawater and 101 Dalmatians was too strong.
9. Tour guide Goofy goes into drunken rampage and uses Chip and Dale as Shuffleboard discs.
10. New hires Doc, Isaac, and Gopher quit days before launch, citing that this job is not as “exciting and new” as their last one. (you really have to be a certain age to get that joke)

Just Pick Something!

Wife: You pick dinner
Husband: Burger
Wife: No
Husband: Tacos
Wife: No
Husband: Subs
Wife: No
Husband: Then what do you want?
Wife: It’s up to you

Welcome to marriage

The Top Signs You’re In A Bad Nursing Home

• Its named Heaven’s Waiting Room.
• Black and white community TV still has tinfoil wrapped around rabbit ears antenna.
• Defibrillator doubles as a remote control.
• Its named Matlock Manor.
• The beds are actually caskets.
• Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.
• You can’t ring a nurse but you can page the attorney’s office down the hall.
• Rectal thermometers made of wood.
• Two words: Community Bedpan.

Old People Can Get Away With A Lot

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, ‘What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

“Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

Things You’ll Never Hear A Man Say:

• Here honey, you use the remote.
• You know, I’d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
• Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!
• While I’m up, can I get you anything?
• Honey since we don’t have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
• Why don’t you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
• Aww, forget Monday night football, Let’s watch Melrose Place.
• Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
• We never talk anymore

Who’s Matter Is It?

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, “May I help you?”

The man say’s “Yes, I’m in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I’m having an argument with my wife, and she says she’s going to jump out the window.”

The desk clerk says, “I’m sorry sir, but that’s a personal matter.”

The man replies. “Listen you idiot. The window won’t open… and that’s a maintenance matter.”

Things You’ll Never Hear A Woman Say

• What do you mean today’s our anniversary?
• Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.
• Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
• And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska!
• Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.
• Is that phone for me? Tell ‘em I’m not here.
• I don’t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

A Woman Sends A Text To Her Husband:

Wife: “Honey, don’t forget to buy BREAD when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you.”
Husband: Who is Valerie?
Wife: Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text.
Husband: But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?
Wife: What??! Where are you?
Husband: Near the bakery.
Wife: Wait, I’m coming right now!
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
Wife: I’m at the bakery, where are you?
Husband: I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery, buy the bread!

They Have To Learn A Trade Sooner Or Later

Damn! I Need To Do This

How Did You Think It Happened

Me To

And You Thought The Platypus Was Funny

Damn Con Artists!

Finally, A Public Service I Can Get Behind

Lets Hear It For The Math Teacher!

Welcome Home Grandma

Nice Tats. Do You Remember Where You Got Them?