Sid Caesar – “This is Your Story” with Carl Reiner and Howard Morris

For the man who invented sketch comedy, we’ll miss you Sid!

My love for you… it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.

I’m here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

Lie down with me — it’s my final offa,
Or you’ll be lying wit’ Jimmy Hoffa.

I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that’s all they offer here in witness protection.

Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I’ll have to whack your ass.

Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car — So why ain’t you dead?

Hope da chocolates is good, but y’know, dis ain’t really what a guy’s heart looks like.

When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye — that’s amore!

Dear Ex-Valentine

Look no further. The hands-down, all-time winner of the Valentine writing contest has been found…

Dear Ex-Valentine,

I’m so miserable without you. It’s almost like having you around.

– Your Ex

A Redneck Valentine

Collards is green
my dog’s name is Blue
and I’m so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue’s
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry
jist a-fry’n in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as “snuff”
right out of the can.

You have som’a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we’re in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I’m in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo’re there fer yore man,
to patch up life’s troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo’re as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.

Yore complexion, it’s perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin’.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin’.
Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it’s romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
“That’s impressive,” I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
“Diamonds are forever,”
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won’t do.
Cause yo’re too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds…

IT’S A NEW TROLLIN’ MOTOR!!

Yipeeee….Yee Ha!

Top Ten Rejected Valentine’s Day Cards

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine’s card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you’d be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night.

6. You’re a woman of style, you’re a woman of class,
Especially when I’m spanking, your big-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I’m fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!

4. Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!

3. You’re a honey, and you’re a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo’s “booty”.

2. I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

Truths About Parenting

- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.
- Celibacy is not hereditary.
- Familiarity breeds children.
- For adult education, nothing beats children.
- God invented mothers because he couldn’t be everywhere at once.
- God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
- Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
- Having children will turn you into your parents.
- If a child looks like his father, that’s heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that’s environment.
- If you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
- Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they’ll know as little as their parents.
- Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
- You can learn many things from children . . . like how much patience you have.
- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
- There are three ways to get things done:
1) do it yourself
2) hire someone to do it
3) forbid your kids to do it

- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
- Those who say they “sleep like a baby” haven’t got one.
- The best thing to spend on your children is time.

Computer Pranks

1. THE PRINTER SHREDDER: This simple device can be added on to any printer, and will shred any document that you put in it.

2. FAKE MOUSE: a fake mouse runs in a wheel that is connected to your computer. As the mouse spins slower/faster, your screen will become darker/lighter “yeah. I just installed it. It really saves on power costs.”

3. AUTO BAD SPELLER: This program can take any document, randomly choose correctly spelled world and then spell them incorrectly.

4. TALKING COMPUTER: This simple program, when put on someone’s computer, whispers “psst! Hey Bob!” at random intervals.

5. SMOKER: This simple add on makes a monitor smoke. The amount of smoke will increase with the length of time the computer is used.

6. RANDOM ERROR: When installed, this will generate insensible error messages extremely often, no matter what the user is doing at the time.

7. TRACER: This program will generate messages such as “you have been traced trying to hack into the Pentagon’s secret files. The SWAT team has been dispatched and will arrive shortly. They have been advised to shoot to kill.” while the person is working on the internet.

8. COPUTER BOMB: Fake computer bomb. When the victim turns his computer on, his screen will be filled with the message: “WARNING computer bomb has been detected in system. It will be activated in ten seconds. Please enter deactivation code.” after ten seconds the computer will turn itself off and refuse to come on again until the next day.

9. CD LASER: This is just like an ordinary CD-ROM except in one respect. Its laser is higher powered, so when the computer reads CD it erases all the information from it.

10. WINDOWS Vista: This is the most evil one yet. It has random and insensible error messages, it has no storage system, it is impossible to understand, and is generally a complete disaster. In short, it is no different from the real thing.

You Know You’re In Nevada When . . .

• You can say 110 degrees without fainting…
• You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off…
• You can make instant sun tea…
• You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron…
• The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly…
• You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car…
• You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window…
• You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance…
• Hot water now comes out of both taps…
• It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets…
• You actually burn your hand opening the car door…
• You break a sweat the instant you step outside…at 7:30 a.m. before work…
• No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning…
• Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death”?…
• You realize that asphalt has a liquid state…

Don’t Mess with the Tower

A young and foolish pilot on his first time approaching a field during the nighttime wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: “Guess who?”

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: “Guess where!”

Daffynitions

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest Opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

The Original Hollywood Squares

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when “Hollywood Squares” game show responses were spontaneous and clever — not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can’t Get Enough”?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps! One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Thank God I’m Married And Don’t Have To Deal With This Anymore… Honey Why Are You Holding That Gun?

That Whole Bottle Of Wine Is Now For You

The Perfect Argument

Common Babby You Know You Want It!

What Do You Mean Perhaps

That Explains My Ex-Wife

YOU WILL BE MINE!

It Was A Lot Easier Back Then

Don’t You Want To Do It Yourself?

But Honey Don’t You Want Me To Be Honest?