Christmastime For The Jews

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time so you don’t have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Classified Ads

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB — $850/offer

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED…
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

FREE PUPPIES:
PART COCKER SPANIEL -
PART SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING “WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS”

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT…
BEEN OUT AWHILE…
BETTER BE REWARD.

GEORGIA PEACHES
- CALIFORNIA GROWN – 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

COMMUNITY HEADLINE:
ALZHEIMER’S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER!

GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

Cold Remedy

A remedy for the common cold suggested by Dr. Richard Gordon, from the “Atlantic Monthly”:

At the first sign of a cold, go to bed with a bottle of whiskey and a hat. Place the hat on the left-hand bedpost. Take a drink of whiskey and move the hat to the right-hand bedpost. Take another drink and shift the hat back again. Continue this until you drink the whiskey but fail to move the hat.

By then, the cold is probably cured.

12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book…if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime … and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

Demerit Point System Used by Women

(The code is finally broken – the demerit system is no longer a mystery!) For all you guys out there who just can’t figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects… Sorry, but that’s the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed………………………………………….. 1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows………0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…………………..-1
You leave the toilet seat up………………………………..-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty………………0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…….-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.-2
You check out a suspicious noise at night …………………….0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing………………0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something…………… 5
You pummel it with a six iron……………………………… 10

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party………………………..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy……………………………………………-2
Named Tiffany…………………………………………….-4
Tiffany is a dancer……………………………………….-6
Tiffany has implants………………………………………-8

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner………………………………….0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar ………… 1
Okay, it is a sports bar…………………………………..-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night……………………………..-3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team…………………………..-10

THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget her birthday completely…………………………-20
You forget your anniversary……………………………….-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station………………..-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey…………………………….-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast…………………-60

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie…………………………………… 2
You take her to a movie she likes………………………….. 4
You take her to a movie you hate ………………………….. 6
You take her to a movie you like……………………………-2
It’s called Death Cop 3…………………………………….-3
Which features cyborgs having sex…………………………..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans………..-15

FLOWERS
You buy her flowers only when it’s expected…………………..0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ….. 20
You give her wildflowers you’ve actually picked yourself ……. 30
And she contracts Lyme disease…………………………….-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly………………………… -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.. 1
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ……………………………………-30
You say “I don’t care because you have one too” ……………-800

FINANCES
You spend a lot of money on something impractical…………… -5
Something she can’t use…………………………………..-10
Such as a motorized model airplane…………………………-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday………………-40

DRIVING
You lost the directions on a trip………………………….-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost…………….-10
You don’t stop to ask directions …………………..0
You stop and ask for directions …………………. 25
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ……………..-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal……………………………………………….-25
You know them…………………………………………..-60

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Do I look fat?” ……………………………….-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding……………………………….-10
You reply, “Where?”……………………………………..-35

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression…………………………..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes……… 5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.. 10
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep…………..-20

Things You’ll Never Hear From A Redneck

1. “I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex”
2. “Duct tape won’t fix that.”
3. “Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.”
4. “We don’t keep firearms in this house.”
5. “You can’t feed that to the dog.”
6. “I thought Graceland was tacky.”
7. “No kids in the back of the pick-up…it’s not safe.”
8. “Professional wresslin’s fake.”
9. “Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?”
10. “We’re vegetarians.”
11. “Do you think my hair is too big?”
12. “I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.”
13. “Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.”
14. “I don’t understand the appeal of NASCAR.”
15. “Give me the small bag of pork rinds.”
16. “Deer heads detract from the decor.”
17. “Spitting is such a nasty habit.”
18. “I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.”

Unusual State Laws

Connorsvill, Wisconsin: It is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

Willowdale, Oregon: It is illegal for husbands to curse during sex.

Oblong, Illinois: It is punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
(Trust me if a man takes his wife fishing on their wedding day, he has an even bigger problem.)

Alexandria, Minnesota: No man is allowed to make love with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath.

Ames, Iowa: A man cannot have more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife, girlfriend, or significant other— or holding her in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana: Has a law banning all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown — if they are nude.

Newcastle, Wyoming: An ordinance specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store’s walk-in-meat freezer.

Illinois: A state law mandates that all bachelors should be called “master,” not “mister,” when addressed by their female counterparts.

Norfolk, Virginia: A woman could not go out without wearing a corset. There was even a civil-service job, only for men, called “corset inspector.”

Merryville, Missouri: Women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the “privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.”
(This one either makes me want to stand up and scream, “Hallelujah!” or puke.)

Helena, Montana: Law mandates that a woman can’t dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Carlsbad, New Mexico: It’s legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break, as long as the vehicle has curtains drawn to discourage peeping Toms.

Florida: State law says that if you are a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can not parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Cleveland, Ohio: Women aren’t allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. A man might see the reflection of something “he oughtn’t.”

Tremont, Utah: No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and “her name is to be published in the local newspaper.” The man isn’t charged nor is his name revealed.

You Know You’re in New York City When…

1. Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons.
2. You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour.
3. A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals say, “More damned illegal aliens.”
4. The aroma of smoked meat is able to counteract the smell of smog and pollution.
5. The priest in the Cadillac behind you gives you the finger for cutting him off.
6. You pass a convenience store advertising “Free green cards, no questions asked.”
7. The gas station attendants actually speak English.
8. The unearthly pounding of the cranked up bass in the El Camino next to you is drowned out by the cabs honking their horns.
9. A person with rainbow striped hair can pass by without anyone staring.
10. The bumper sticker on the senior citizen’s car in front of you reads, “Warning: I break for pedestrians.”

Tips For Moving South…Yee-Haw!

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba”. You have a 75% chance of being right.

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

5. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.

8. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.

9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

10. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

11. People walk slower here.

12. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.

13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “Big ol’”, as in “big ol’ truck” or “big ol’ boy”. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Yet Even More Of The Mom Dictionary!

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

LIE: An “exaggeration” Mom uses to transform her child’s papier-mâché volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS: See “Kids’ Friends”

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it’s turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

“MOMMMMMMM!”: The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH:
1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.
2. Main element of Mom’s favorite movies.

NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of children’s mouths when they eat in front of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom’s nickname for Dad.

PANIC: What a mother goes through when the wind-up swing stops.

PENITENTIARY: Where children who don’t eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they’re buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list, and several outdated coupons.

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it’s in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear “the geeky thing.”

It’s Just Easier Then Studying

Hey Look Honey, Snow!

Americans Throw Away Only The Best… And I’m Not Talking About The Computer

Problems With The Little Women?

Every Geeks Dream Come True!

Just So Everyone Can See What A Crappy Parent You Are

What? I Told You I Was An Animal Lover

Her Husbands Been Wanting To Ask Her That For Months

Are You Sure You Went To Medical School?

Silly Girls, You Know You Belong In The Kitchen