Abbott & Costello – Money Swap & Roulette

Funny Bumper Stickers

1. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
2. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
3. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?
4. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
5. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
6. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
7. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
8. Boldly Going Nowhere
9. Cat: The Other White Meat
10. Heart Attacks … God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
11. Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
12. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
13. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
14. Money Isn’t Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
15. Saw It … Wanted It … Had A Fit … Got It!
16. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
17. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE — PLANT A MAN.
18. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
19. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
20. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
21. If You Can’t Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
22. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

The Laws Of Ultimate Reality

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug!

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors’ Law
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

Good Food Law
The better something tastes, the greater the probability that it is bad for you.

Love At The Retirement Home

Dave and Lois, both elderly residents at a retirement home, found that the more time they spent together, the friendlier they got with each other. As time went on, they were really beginning to enjoy each other’s company. After a few weeks of getting to know each other, Dave said, “I realize we’re both old and can’t do much sexually any longer, but if I pulled my penis out, would you hold it?”

Not seeing anything wrong with his request, Lois agreed.

Each day for the next month they would sit on a park bench by the lake and Lois would hold Dave’s penis. One day, Dave didn’t show up at their regular meeting place. Concerned that something may have happened to him, Lois set out to search for him.

Further down the lake she spotted Dave sitting on a bench with another woman beside him. She quickly walked up to the bench and was shocked to see Dave’s penis in the other woman’s hand.

Upset, Lois yelled at Dave, “We’ve been together for a few months now. I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don’t?”

A slight smile began to appear on Dave’s face as he replied, “Parkinson’s!”

You’re A Teacher If…

• You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
• You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
• You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free.”
• You believe chocolate is a food group.
• You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
• You believe “Shallow gene pool” should have its own box in the report card.
• You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
• When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know to correct their behavior.
• You have no life between August to June.
• When you mention “Vegetables” you’re not talking about a food group.
• You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
• You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
• You believe in aerial Prozac spraying.
• You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary school for the last 10 years.
• You’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would “Never DREAM” of doing your job.
• You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
• You know you are in for a major project when a parent says “I have a great idea I’d like to discuss. I think it would be such fun.”
• You want to choke a person when they say “Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you.”
• Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers the question “Why is this kid like this?”

Insurance Salesman

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don’t have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?”

Why Aren’t You Married?

Here are some comeback answers:

You haven’t asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

Because I just love hearing this question.

Just lucky, I guess.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.

I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

I’m waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn’t seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

My co-op board doesn’t allow spouses.

I’d have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.

What? And lose all the money I’ve invested in running personal ads?

I don’t want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

Why aren’t you thin?

I’m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant

What My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
‘If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.’

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
‘You better pray that will come out of the carpet.’

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!’

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
Because I said so, that’s why.’

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.’

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
‘Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.’

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
‘Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.’

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
‘Shut your mouth and eat your supper.’

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
‘Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?’

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.’

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
‘This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.’

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
‘If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!’

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
‘I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.’

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
‘Stop acting like your father!’

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
‘There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.’

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
‘Just wait until we get home.’

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
‘You are going to get it when you get home!’

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
‘If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.’

19. My mother taught me ESP.
‘Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?’

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
‘When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.’

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
‘If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.’

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
‘You’re just like your father.’

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
‘Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?’

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
‘When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.’

And my favorite

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
‘One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you’

New Airline Rules

(We All Knew It Would Come To This)

Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You’re in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It’s the airline’s new policy.

Passenger: That’s the craziest thing I ever heard. I won’t pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I’ll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

Passenger: What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won’t stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you’re right, you can’t stand. You need to sit, And fasten your seat belt. We’re about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.

Passenger: No way!

Attendant: Sir, if you don’t comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don’t want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there’s a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.

Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can’t believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes. It’s stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn’t seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It’s the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger: I don’t have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you’ve given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there’s a change making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger: For crying out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang onto it. You’ll need it later for the lavatory.

Mid-Life

I’ve seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be… Puhleeeeeeeze! I’ve had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you’ll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we’re sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, cell phone-wearing teenager and think: “For this I have stretch marks?”

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By McDonalds

Mid-life means that you become more reflective…You start pondering the “big” questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?

Top Stories For The Year 2042

• Spotted Owl plague threatens Western American crops and livestock.
• 30-year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
• Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
• Baby conceived naturally — scientists stumped.
• Authentic year 2000 Florida “chad” sells at Sotheby’s for $4.6 million.
• Ozone created by electric cars kills thousands in Los Angeles.
• In sports news: Average height of NBA players now 9’7″. Baseball players threaten to strike.
• New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
• Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.
• Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; but continues to cast votes.
• Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.
• Spam, called “worse than it ever has been,” is “ruining online experience.” Congress considering a law to tax it.

Lets See How He Likes It

I Hope The Emergency’s Not Too Much Of An Emergency

Russian High-Tech Missile Cleaner

You Just Can’t Win Anymore

They Are So Dead!

Now There’s An Achievement To Be Proud Of

For Some Reason We Don’t Get As Many Lost Children Anymore

Bad Parenting Or Good Training For The Future?

Even Homer Simpson Never Thought Up A Doughnut Burger

Wake Up And Smell The 21st Century