How To Get Out of a Speeding Ticket

Insults And Comebacks To Respond The People Who Talk Shit

• How long did it take you to come up with that one?
• I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that.
• I don’t argue with idiots, they will just lower me to their level then beat me with experience.
• I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.
• It’s pointless to make fun of you because it will take you the rest of the day to figure it out.
• It’s scary to think that people like you are allowed to vote.
• Think before you talk. Do you even listen to the things that come out of your mouth?
• Were you held back a grade? Two?
• Wow, you’re even dumber than you look.

Modern Financial Advice

I just switched my “20 year Home Mortgage” to a “Student Loan.”

Follow me for more financial advice.

Classified Ads

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB — $850/offer

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED…
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

FREE PUPPIES:
PART COCKER SPANIEL -
PART SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING “WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS”

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT…
BEEN OUT AWHILE…
BETTER BE REWARD.

GEORGIA PEACHES
- CALIFORNIA GROWN – 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

COMMUNITY HEADLINE:
ALZHEIMER’S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER!

GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

Splenda Daddy

Splenda Daddy: A man who strives to be a Sugar Daddy but just doesn’t have the funds to pull it off.

Sex Test For Rednecks

Circle T for true or F for false

• A menstrual cycle has three wheels. T or F
• Asphalt describes rectal problems. T or F
• A G-string is part of a fiddle. T or F
• Semen is a term for sailors. T or F
• Testicles are found on an Octopus. T or F
• A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. T or F
• Masturbate is used to catch large fish. T or F
• Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. T or F
• An umbilical cord is pan of a parachute. T or F
• A condom is a large apartment complex. T or F
• An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. T or F
• A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. T or F
• An erection is when Japanese people vote. T or F

The Shits!

The most functional English word is shit.

That’s right, shit! You can smoke shit, get shit faced, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, tell people to eat shit, forget shit, some people know their shit and some have shit for brains, there’s crazy shit, there’s bullshit, horse shit, chicken shit, deep shit, the wrong shit, the right shit & not enough shit, weird shit, scary shit, up shit creek without a paddle & sometimes everything you touch turns to shit. You could pass this on if you give a shit or not if you don’t give a shit. Hope you have a shit free week. But remember shit happens!!

Why I Like Retirement!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why does a retiree often say they don’t miss work, but miss the people they used to work with?
Answer: they are too polite to tell the whole truth.

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING….. Saturday and Sunday, I rest.

Why Commas Are Important

NO MORE COOKIES!
NO, MORE COOKIES!

With Age, I Realize…

I. I talk to myself. Sometimes I need an expert’s advice.
2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
3. I don’t need anger management. I need other people to stop pissing me off!
4. My people skills are just fine but my tolerance for idiots needs a little work.
5. The biggest lie I tell myself is, “Oh, you’ll remember.”
6. Nap time is not a punishment. It’s a reward.
7. The day the world runs out of wine is too terrible to even think about.
8. Duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
9. Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer and come out wrinkle-free and 3 sizes smaller?
10. “Getting Lucky” actually means walking into a room and remembering why I came in.

A Wise Schoolteacher

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: “If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I’ll promise not to believe everything they says happens at home.”

Not Funny By Any Means, Just Something To Know Is CURRENTLY Happening

Coolest Wife Ever!

Finally, I Get My Own…..Non, Action Figure

What? It’s Technically A Liquid

I’ve Heard Of A Canadian Tuxedo But This Is Just Too Far

That’s What You Get For Not Listening To Me

For Adults Who Act Like Kids

Well What Did You Think He Died From?

I Know I’m An Idiot, But Your The One Who Married Me

But You Need To Get Drunk First