The Car of Tomorrow from Yesterday

It was from 1951, so they weren’t exactly woke back then.

Children Books NOT Recommended By The National Library Association

1. Bob the Germ’s Wondrous Journey Into and Back Out of Your Digestive System.
2. The Little Engine that Could Becomes Intoxicated and Kills Civilians.
3. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’s Games of Revenge.
4. Peter Rabbit’s Frisky Adventures.
5. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The ‘Hood’.
6. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidentally Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.
7. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.
8. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.
9. The Tickling Babysitter
10. A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides.
11. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.
12. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.
13. Babar Meets the Taxidermist and Becomes a Piano.
14. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.
15. David Duke’s World of Imagination.
16. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.
17. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.
18. Legends of Scab Football.
19. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina.
20. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer.
21. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can’t
22. Ed Beckley’s Start a Real-Estate Empire with the change from your Mom’s Purse.
23. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.
24. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will.
25. Let’s Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on.
26. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.
27. Dad’s New Wife Timothy
28. Pop! Goes The Hamster …And Other Great Microwave Games
29. Maybe Dick
30. The Boy Who Ate Spinach …And Lived To Tell About It
31. How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
32. Safe Sex And The Zip-Lock bag
33. Testing Home Made Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets
34. Egghead – And Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty
35. The Complete Set Of “Mother Got Goosed” Nursery Rhymes
36. Those Great Childhood Fragrances… Apple Pie, Cotton Candy And Bicycle Seats

Bungee Jumping For Fun And Profit

Zeke and Zeb decided to build a bungee jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, to make a little money. After they got it set up, they noticed the crowds gather, but nobody bought tickets….

Zeke tells Zeb, “Maybe we should demonstrate it, so they’ll get the idea.” After Zeb is strapped in he jumps, falling almost all they way to the ground before springing back.

As Zeb came back up, Zeke noticed that his clothes were all torn and wondered what this is was all about.

Zeb went down again, bouncing as jumping this way does, and this time when he came back, up Zeke noticed that Zeb was bleeding.

Zeke thought, “Wow…what’s going on here? Is the cord too short? Is he touching ground?

Zeb went back down for a third time, and this time when he sprung back up, Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body. “Huh?”

Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, “Zeb, what happened?” Zeb groaned out in obvious pain, “I don’t know… but what’s a pinata?

Brain Teaser

• There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
499
• What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge
• What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge
• The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?
Giraffe. He’s stuck in a refrigerator.
• Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?
The alligators are all at the birthday party.
• Sally dies anyways. Why?
She got hit in the head by a flying brick

Even Insults Have Double Standards

I envy guys for getting to say “SUCK MY DICK” as sort of a “fuck you.”

If I shouted “LICK MY VAGINA” I’d have like 47 tongues in my pants.

Foul Language In The Workplace

TO: All Employees
FROM: Human Resources
SUBJECT: Foul Language

It has been brought to management’s attention that individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases has been provided so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner, without risk the of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fu(k do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fu(king way

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I’m concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fu(king problem.

TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fu(k?

TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won’t work.

TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: fu(k it, I’m on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fu(king meeting!

TRY SAYING: I don’t think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don’t give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a prick.

TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting b!tch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fu(k you’re doing.

Thank You,

Human Resources

My Forgetter

My forgetter’s getting better
But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke,

For when I’m “here” I’m wondering
If I really should be “there”
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven’t got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say “what am I here for?”
I wrack my brain, but all in vain
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Generally, you’re right it’s me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say “Hi” and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, “who’s that?”

Yes, my forgetter’s getting better
But my rememberer is broke.
And it’s driving me plumb crazy
And that isn’t any joke.

They Never Made Sence To Me Till Just Now

You’re — You fuckin are.
Your — It fuckin belongs to you.
They’re — They fuckin are.
Their — It fuckin belongs to them.
There — A fuckin place.
Then — A point in fuckin time.
Than— A method of fuckin comparison.

Learn the fucking difference.

One Of These Is More Effective Then The Others

Sometimes all you need is a hug…

or someone to tell you It’s going to be OK…

or rough sex so good you cant even remember the problem…Whatever.

Ways To Cope With Stress

1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says “have a nice day”, tell them you have other plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler’s clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of you boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
10. Leaf through “National Geographic” and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Tattoo “Out to Lunch” on your forehead.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13. Buy a subscription to “Sleazoid Weekly” and send it to your boss’s wife.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Drive to work in reverse.
16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17. Tell you boss to “blow it out your mule” and let him figure it out.
18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
19. Polish your car with earwax.
20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail.
25. Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.
26. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.

Tequila Falls

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He’s slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn’t believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks,” How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!!!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all….SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him,” You’re really an asshole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

If You Get Really Good They Can Make You Fly!

Only Sold In America

A Bit Too Literal Don’t You Think

Know What Motivates Your Customers

Has It Occurred To Thomas That He Might Be The Problem?

Who Says Fathers Can’t Motivate Their Kids

Yep, That’s Pretty Much How It Is

One Of Hardest Decisions I’ve Ever Had To Make

Don’t You Hate It When You Can’t Find The Mailbox

Buzz Did Not Survive SkyNet’s Initial Attack