Ernestine’s House Call – Saturday Night Live (Aired 01/22/83)

Handy Guide To Movie Ratings

G: No girl.
PG: The hero gets the girl.
R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he’s never sure which end it will be.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl.”

Beware The First Wife

An old lady was having her portrait painted.

She told the artist to paint her with a diamond Tiffany necklace, diamond earrings, emerald bracelets, a ruby Cartier brooch, and a gold Rolex watch.

The confused artist said, “But you aren’t wearing any of those things.”

The old lady replied, “I know. But if I die before my husband, I’m sure he’ll remarry… and I want his new
wife to go crazy searching for the jewelry.”

Moral: Wives can be dangerous even after death.

Ethnic Guide To Dating Women

1. A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

2. IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

3. ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

4. JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and never get head again.

5. POLISH WOMAN:
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn’t home. She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She’s pregnant. She’s not sure if its hers.

6. CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.

7. INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

8. BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you.

9. LATIN WOMAN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister’s boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

How Not Talk To Your AI

Me: Alexis, turn the TV off.
Wife: She doesn’t answer to that.
Me: ALEXA! Turn the TV off!
Alexa: [Thinking]
Me: Alexa you’re an idiot!
Son: You’re an idiot. Just press the button.
Wife: She doesn’t respond to rudeness.
Me: Alexa, please turn the GD TV off!
Alexa: [Thinking]
Wife: Alexa, turn the TV off.
Alexa: Sure. [click]
Me: OMG!
Wife: She doesn’t like foul language either.
Me: Fu(k off Alexa!
Alexa: [Thinking]… You’re welcome

Mitch Hedberg Jokes

I hate dreaming because I just wanna sleep. Dreams take energy. Dreams are work. Sleeping is supposed to be relaxing. I’m fast asleep, and next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex-landlord.

My lucky number is 4 billion. It doesn’t come in handy when you’re gambling. “Come on, 4 billion! Fuck. 7. I need some more dice.”

I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I’d mess with his head. I’d say: “Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there’s nothing. It’s just flat.

I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I said, “Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question.”

I’m not addicted to gambling, I’m addicted to sitting in a semicircle!

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

I’m gonna fix that last joke by replacing all the words with some funny ones.

I’m a hard act to follow, because when I’m done I take the microphone with me

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

My friend showed me a picture and said ‘this is a picture of me when I was younger’ and I said ‘Dude EVERY picture is a picture of you when you were younger’

Dogs are forever in the pushup position.
Ducks eat at Subway for free.

I went to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one, so i got a cake

I bought a parrot, and it talked, but it didn’t say I’m hungry, so it died

I got this new tartar control tooth paste. I still got tartar, but that shits under control.

My belt holds my pants up. But my belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there, who is the real hero?

Once I went to a craft fair. I see a jar of jelly beans. It said “guess how many jelly beans there are in the jar.” “And you win a prize.” Aw, come on, man. Let me just have some. I’ll tell you what. You guess how many I want. If you said a handful, you are right.

I like KitKats unless I’m with four or more people.

You know what, man? I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask where they’re going, and hook up with them later.

I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and want 2,000 of something.

I saw a commercial on late-night TV, it said, ‘Forget everything you know about slipcovers.’ So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial ried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.”

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy… all day.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses… or two dumpsters.

I like a escalator man. Because a escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. There would never be a ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign’, only a ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs.’ Sorry for the convenience.

How To Stop A Woman From Jumping

A desperate woman was about to jump off a cliff. An old homeless man passing by said, “Well, since you’ll be gone in a few minutes anyway, how about a quickie before you go?”

She yelled, “NO! You disgusting old man!”

He shrugged and said, “Fine, I’ll just wait for you at the bottom.”

She didn’t jump.

Moral of the story: Counseling Works – Sometimes all you need is the right kind!

Three Biggest Lies

Biggest Business World Lies:

The bottom line isn’t everything
Advertising isn’t an expense, but an investment
I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t have to kiss ass anymore

Biggest College Student Lies:

Yes Mom, I get plenty of sleep and am eating right
No Dad, we don’t drink much at all here, it’s frowned upon
I want this relationship to last well beyond our college days

Biggest Company (Large) Lies:

We have an entrepreneurial spirit here
People are our greatest resource
We say “let the marketplace decide”

Biggest Company (Small) Lies:

We have an entrepreneurial spirit here
The boss is just one of the guys
Staying small is a conscious decision

Biggest Computer Lab Lies:

As long as you “SAVE” your input, you’ll never lose any files
We give you the updates as fast as they come in the door
The new machines are on order

Biggest Engineering Professor’s Lies:

Some day this course will come in handy
These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you
This is the way they do it in the field

Biggest Executive Lies:

Money… it’s just a score card
If it were up to me, there’d be no assigned parking spaces
You have to twist my arm to get me to go on a business trip

Biggest Hairdresser Lies:

I’ll be with you in a couple of minutes
I’ve used it myself for years
The perm will soften up in a couple of days

Biggest Hardware Lies:

We always design for test-ability
It worked just fine in all our tests
That would be easier to implement in software

Biggest House Painter Lies:

We use only the best material and open all cans on the job
This shouldn’t take more than a week
You won’t have to worry about moving or covering anything

Biggest Marketing Lies:

Immediate delivery? No problem!
We treat every customer as if they were our most important
We’re going out to lunch to talk business

Biggest On-Line Lies:

I’m in private consoling a depressed friend
I’m 5’4″, blonde, blue eyes and guys love my body!
I’m not like most of the other guys on here

Biggest Software Lies:

The program’s fully tested and bug-free
We’re working on the documentation now
Of course we can modify it easily

They Were Too Afraid To Leave The Lawn

A couple Kids asked me today what it was like for me growing up.

So, I took their phones, shut off their internet, gave them a Popsicle and told them to go outside till the street lights came on.

The Wisdom Of Supermodels

ON COURAGE:
“They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, ‘Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind.’”
-Cindy Crawford

ON POVERTY:
“Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery.”
-Beverly Johnson

ON PRIORITIES:
“I would rather exercise than read a newspaper.”
-Kim Alexis

ON HEREDITY:
“My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him,’ What if she’s ugly? You’re ugly.’”
-Beverly Johnson

ON PARADOX:
“Sometimes I get lonely, but it’s nice to be alone.”
-Tatjana Patitz

ON INSTINCT:
“If I’m making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers.”
-Carol Alt

ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS:
“I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them.”
-Cindy Crawford

ON THOUGHT:
“When I model, I pretty much go blank. You can’t think too much or it just doesn’t work.”
-Paulina Porizkova

ON VERSATILITY:
“I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don’t have to speak.”
-Linda Evangelista

Very Smart Dog

A lost dog strays into the jungle. A lion spots him and thinks, “Hmm… never seen this creature before, but he looks edible.” The lion charges toward him.

The dog panics, then notices some bones nearby. Thinking quickly, he shouts loudly, “Wow, that was some good lion meat!”

The lion freezes. “Whoa! This guy’s tougher than he looks. Better get out of here while I can.”

Up in the tree, a monkey saw the whole thing and realized he could use it to his advantage. He told the lion the truth, hoping for a reward.

The furious lion roared, “Get on my back, monkey! We’ll show this dog who’s boss.”

As they approached, the dog saw them coming and shouted, “Where’s that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!”

I Was Wondering Which He Was Going To Sell

Yep, That’s About It

Well How Did You Think They Did It

Maybe It’s Time To Up This Kids Med’s

Good To Know

That Takes A Lot Of Practice

Your Are Not The Same

A Whole Book On TMI

DAMN!!!

Would You Rather He Bathe In Milk And Drink Chocolate?