Johnny Carson: Hilarious Phrases You’ll Never Hear, Tonight Show 1989

Punctuation Is Powerful

An English professor wrote the words on the chalkboard and asked his students
to punctuate it correctly.

“A woman without her man is nothing”

All of the males in the class wrote:
“A woman, without her man, is nothing.”

All the females in the class wrote:
“A woman: without her, man is nothing.”

Funny Comebacks

• You know you really should buy some breath mints?
• I have better things to do than listen to you.
• Whoever told you to be yourself has given you bad advice.
• I don’t care what everyone else says, I don’t think you’re that bad.
• Stupidity’s not a crime, so you’re free to go.
• I believed in evolution until I met you.
• Have you ever wondered why people don’t like you?
• I accept I’m not perfect but at least I’m not you.
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
• You always bring me so much joy, the minute you leave the room.
• I don’t need a proctologist to tell me you’re an asshole.
• I’m not a cactus expert but I do know a prick when I see one.
• I would explain it to you but I have neither the time nor the crayons!
• Sorry buddy but I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.
• Look, if I wanted to hear from an asshole, all I had to do was fart.
• If only your dad had used a condom, the world would be a better place.
• You have your entire life to be a jerk. Take a day off and give the rest of us a break.

What Was It Really?

Romeo And Juilet Is Not A Love Story.

It’s A 3 Day Relationship Between A 13 Year Old And A 17 Year Old That Cause 6 Deaths.

You Know You’re In A Bad Church When..

10. The church bus has gun racks.
9. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.
8. The Bible they use is the “Dr. Seuss Version.”
7. There’s an ATM in the lobby.
6. Choir wears leather robes.
5. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. — “Bring Your Own Snake.”
4. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.
3. Karaoke Worship Time.
2. Ushers ask, “Smoking or Non-smoking?”
1. The only song the organist knows is “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.”

This Kids Menu At The Hotel I’m Staying At
KIDS 11 AM – 11 PM
DON’T KNOW 7
Breaded Chicken Tenders With Fries

DON’T CARE 7
Macaroni & Cheese

I’M NOT HUNGRY 7
Hamburger or Cheeseburger with Fries

DON’T WANT THAT 7
Grilled Cheese with Fries

SIDES 3
Fruit Cup
Mixed Vegetables
Fries

The Zodiacs When Drunk

CAPRICORN = Trying to keep it together until they vomit and get kicked out
AQUARIUS = No one knows what they’re laughing at
PISCES = Most likely to black out
ARIES = Wakes up with bruises
TAURUS = Left the bar early to go get food
GEMINI = Has heart to heart with someone they just met
CANCER = Initiating shots…crying somewhere 2 hrs later
LEO = Flirting with everyone and posting way too many Instagram stories
VIRGO = Never drunk enough, would rather be at home
LIBRA = Disappears to go hook up with someone
SCORPIO = Either plastered drunk or completely sober. Makes it their mission to hook up
SAGITTARIUS = Never wants the night to end. “After party?!”

Trying To Explain My Sexuality To My Dad

Some fathers aren’t that dumb.

Me: Okay, so I would identify as bisexual.
Dad: And that means you would have a male
partner.
Me: Yep.
Dad: Or a female partner.
Me: Yep.
Dad: And that means you •re bi.
Me: Yep.
Dad: So that means if you don’t find a partner you ‘ re on stand bi?
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: Did you just…

Funny Quotes

1. In my defense I was left unsupervised.
2. I used to think I was indecisive but now I’m not so sure.
3. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
4. Dear Math, Please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.
5. If I won an award for laziness, I’d send someone else to pick it up.
6. I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.
7. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
8. The early bird can have the worm, because worms are gross and mornings are stupid.
9. I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
10. Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.
11. Life has no hands but it can still give you a slap in the face sometimes.
12. Silence is golden, unless you have kids. Then it’s just suspicious.
13. Having great power is wonderful, until you get the electricity bill.
14. I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you’d like punch in the face.
15. Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. ~Author Unknown

A Woman Golfing

A woman is out golfing. Playing off the first tee, she’s not quite got her swing right and she slices the ball on her first attempt and watches it disappear deep into the woods.

Not a great start she thinks. So she trudges off looking for her ball.

As she’s scratching around in the woods she can’t find her ball but she does find a frog stuck in a trap.

The frog is relieved to have finally been discovered, having been stuck there for quite some time. So the frog says to the woman, “Lady, if you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.“

Now who wouldn’t want three wishes? So the woman immediately frees the frog.

The frog is grateful but then says, “Lady, thank you. I appreciate your help. However I failed to mention that there will be a condition to your wishes.”

A little puzzled, the woman asks, “And what’s that?”

“Well” says the frog, “Whatever you wish for, your husband will also receive but multiplied by a factor of ten!“

The woman thinks for a minute and then says, “That’s fine.“

Then for her first wish she says, “I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world.”

The frog smiles but warns her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world? He will be an Adonis and no woman will be able to resist his charms.“

The woman thinks for a minute and then says, “That’s alright, because I will be the most beautiful woman in the world, so he will only have eyes for me.“

With that there is a ‘Poof’ sound and the woman is immediately transformed into the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog then says, “And for your second wish? What would you like?”

For her second wish the woman says, “I want to be the richest woman in the world.”

Once again the frog feels compelled to issue a warning. “Lady, this will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.“

The woman says, “That’s fine. We’re married, so what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.“

Once again there is a ‘Poof’ sound and the woman is suddenly the richest woman in the world.

The frog then says, “Right, it’s now time for your final wish. What will it be?”

The woman replies, “I’d like a mild heart attack.“

Moral of the story: Women are clever. So don’t mess with them.

Attention Female Readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good.

Male Readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they’re really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

Note: And ladies if you’re still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen to men.

The Top Signs That Its Time To Do The Laundry

• You’re wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently.
• You’ve worn your sheets to school because you can’t get them off of you.
• Your socks act like a shirt does when its heavily starched and emit a serious funk.
• Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the movie “Outbreak” to avoid catching the Ebola virus.
• The Snuggle Bear on the softener bottle officially died last week.
• The DEA’s drug sniffing dog is always coming by to sniff your laundry because the strong stench makes him think you have 28 tons of pot in your closet.
• Even after sewing 28 spring scented dryer sheets to the inside of your shirt, your friends still say you reek.
• The phrase “Wash Me” is visibly written in your jeans.
• Your red T-shirt is now green.
• The boss pulls you aside to remind you that your company’s casual days does not include your college graduation gown and scuba diving fins.

Even This Won’t Do That

And What We Have Now Is Better?

Why Yes I’m A Guy How Did You Know?

Some Kids Just Start Early

I Never Had A Teacher That Good

So That’s How Your Supposed To Do It

Your Both Right

They Didn’t Tell You That At Harvard Did They?

I’m Going With All Three

It’s Hard For Even The Best Men To See What Women Have To Put Up With