Disney Housewives

More Fuck My Life (FML)

1. Today, I had to pee in my cat’s litter box, just to avoid seeing my mom having sex in the living room on my way to the bathroom. FML

2. Today, I realized my wedding ring was missing. Turns out, my son had taken it to give to a girl he likes in the 2nd grade. FML

3. Today, I got an invitation to my ex-boyfriend’s wedding. We broke up because “he didn’t believe in marriage.” FML

4. Today, it appears that my girlfriend visited an internet web page called “How to confess to having an affair.” FML

5. Today, while working on a medical school application, I asked my mom what she thought my greatest challenge in life had been. She replied: “Trying to lose your virginity.” FML

6. Today, my watch broke so I casually mentioned to my dad that I needed a new one. A little while later he hands me this really nice watch. He says, “Here, this one’s been lying around for a while”. It was the watch I gave him for Father’s Day. FML

7. Today, my daughter asked me what is the youngest age at which you should start having sex. Being a good mom, I said that she shouldn’t have sex until after she’s been married. My daughter then said, “Oh… shoot,” and walked away. My daughter is twelve. FML

8. Today, I was sitting beside this cute guy on a bench. Suddenly, he goes, “I know we don’t know each other very well, but would you like to have dinner on Saturday?” I turn to him with a goofy smile, and exclaim “I’D LOVE TO!” He gives me a weird look, turns his head and points to his Bluetooth. FML

9. Today, I got hit in the mouth with a hockey stick and lost four teeth. Yesterday I got my braces of six years removed. FML

10. Today, even after loving him unconditionally, my originally 340 pound morbidly obese husband, who within the past two years lost almost 200 pounds, left me because now, he “can do so much better”. FML

11. Today, I saw my ex husband walking with his very beautiful, very pregnant wife. We divorced 7 months ago because he told me he was gay. FML

12. Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice “Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?” FML

13. Today, at work, the police were looking over video footage of an incident earlier in the day where a car had slammed hard into another one in the carpark. My manager came into the kitchen and asked if I wanted to come see it to for a laugh. The car that got hit was mine. FML

14. Today, I received a letter in the mail from my Grandma about how much she adores and loves me. Then it went into detail about how much prettier, smarter, and successful I am than my sister, Leah. I am Leah. She mixed up the letters to the wrong envelopes. FML

15. Today, I found out nobody in my family wants to come to my college graduation. I spent 4 years and $60,000 to be the first person in my family to go to college, and nobody wants to see me graduate because the 4 hour ceremony is too long. FML

16. Today, my husband asked me for permission to have an affair with his hot secretary. FML

17. Today, I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool a little girl ran up to me pointed and yelled, “Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up.” I’m 16. I’m a boy. FML

I Would Say, I Love You To Sweetheart!

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.
The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband – “I love you, Sweetheart.”

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

Below are 11 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean.
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.
8. Am I dreaming?
9. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
10. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

Definitions For Parents

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when a baby doesn’t appreciate the mashed carrots.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a washrag.”

I’m Just Saying

Remember, when the apocalypse starts and we all turn to cannibalism, vegans are the closest thing to free range, antibiotic free, grass-fed meat.

More Bitchy Comments

1. Oh, there’s a new man in your life. Does he still have his own hair?
2. If you want to lose weight quickly, you could always shave your legs.
3. What you think of me can’t be half as bad as my opinion of you.
4. I’d say something complimentary about you but I’m not that dishonest.
5. I don’t hate you but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
6. You’re confusing me with someone who cares what you think.
7. I’m as nice as the next girl until life forces me to unleash the Bitch.
8. You remind me of a penny. Two-faced and not worth much.
9. I’d beat you with a hammer but you’re not worth the jail time.
10. You’re such a fake I’m guessing you were made in China.
11. I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your comprehension.
12. Feel free to judge me when you’re perfect. Oh, that would be never then.
13. No, I didn’t intend to offend you. That was just a bonus for which I’m grateful.
14. Don’t hate me because I’m attractive. Hate me because my boobs are bigger than yours.
15. Leave sarcasm to the professionals, sweetie. You’ll get hurt if you play with fire.

Just In Case There Is Any Confusion…Which Apparently There Is A Lot Of

A fact is information minus emotion.
An opinion is information plus experience.
Ignorance is an opinion lacking information.
And stupidity is an opinion that ignores a fact.

Retirement Quotes

• Working people have a lot of bad habits, but the worst of these is work
• I am so busy since I have retired, I may have to go back to work to get a rest.
• Strategic retirement plan: rest, relax, repeat.
• What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? Retired.
• Retirement: That’s when you return from work one day and say, “Hi, Honey, I’m home, forever.”
• There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working.
• Happiness is being like you – retired!
• I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy.
• Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.
• When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.
• Retirement is the time when you never do all the things you intended to do when you were still working.
• Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.
• Retirement: World’s longest coffee break.
• Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache unless you play golf.
• Goodbye to 9 to 5. Hello, time!

Phone Etiquette

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile hone.

She started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train.” “Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life. Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Sue doesn’t use her mobile phone in public any longer.

Signs Your On A Bad Date!

…Not only is she a little young, but you’re sure that you used to date her mother.
…You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.
…She has a thicker mustache than you.
…When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.
…You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Las Vegas and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.
…Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.
…You are the first guy that she’s gone out with that isn’t her cousin.
…At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.
…She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut.
…You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. And you can’t identify what’s in bed next to you.
…At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.
…She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan.
…She constantly complains that her cat won’t stop laughing at her.
…She informs you that you can’t go out again because her spirit guide doesn’t like you.
…She informs you that you can’t go out again because her boyfriend doesn’t like you.

Sex Education

Teacher: “Tell me the difference between a Call Girl, Girlfriend and Wife.”

The whole class was silent, till ‘Little Johnny’ put up his hand and answered:
“Prepaid, Postpaid and Unlimited.”

Now That’s Love

Any Event, But Apparently Horse Funeral’s Are Their Favorite

Pass The Toothpick

No I Don’t Have Anything To Declare Why Do You Ask?

Who Needs The Illegal Stuff When The Pills Are So Much Better

No You Can’t Be A Kid Again

I Have Never Been That Drunk

That’s The Best Time To Throw A Party

Now Your Just Being Mean

This Explains The Republican Party