Stop Looking At Your Phones (‘The Britishes’)

Home COVID Test

1. Pour a large glass of red wine, try to smell it.
2. If you can smell the wine then drink it & see if you can taste it.
3. If you can taste & smell it confirms you don’t have COVID.

Last night I did the test 19 times, & all were negative, thank God.

Tonight I am going to do the test again, because this morning I woke with a headache & feel like I am coming down with something.

I am so nervous!

A Texas Baby

A Texan is drinking in an Arizona bar when he gets a call on his phone. As he listens, he starts grinning from ear to ear.

When he hangs up, he shouts to the bartender, “Drinks on me! Everyone gets one!”

The bartender starts pouring, and the crowd gathers, eager to hear the good news.

“Well,” the Texan says proudly, “My wife just gave birth to a typical Texas baby boy, 25 pounds!”

Gasps ripple through the bar. No one can believe a baby could weigh that much.

The Texan just shrugs and says, “That’s about average in Texas. Like I said, he’s a typical Texas boy.”

People cheer, one woman faints from the thought, and shouts of “NO WAY!” and “UNBELIEVABLE!” fill the room.

Two weeks later, the Texan walks back into the same bar.

The bartender says, “Hey, you’re the guy with the 25 pound Texas baby, right? We’ve all been betting on how big he’d be by now. So, what’s he weigh?”

The proud dad takes a slow sip of his beer, wipes his mouth on his sleeve, leans on the bar and says, “21 pounds.”

The bartender looks puzzled. “Wait, he was 25 pounds at birth. What happened?”

The Texan grins. “We had him circumcised!”

How To Maintain A Un-Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “For marijuana”.
3. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serous face.
4.Specify that your drive-through order is ‘to go’.
5. Sing along at the opera.
6 five days in advance, tell your friends you cant attend their party because you have a headache.
7. When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I won! I won!”
8. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling ‘run for your lives! They’re loose!’

And the final way to keep a un-healthy level of insanity

9. Pickup a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

Gonna Be A Bear

In this life I’m a woman. In my next life, I’d like to come back as a bear. When you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too. When you’re a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you’re mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup, gonna be a bear!

Rejected Hallmark Cards

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat. Sorry

You had your bladder removed and you’re on the mends.
Here’s a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

You’ve announced that you’re gay, won’t that be a laugh,
when they find out you’re one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don’t fret about it.
She moved in with me

You totaled your car.
And can’t remember why.
Could it have been
That whole case of Bud Dry?

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas)

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

So your daughter’s a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it’s really good pay.

Good Service Dog

So, I was at the store earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping cart.

With an attitude she asked me what type of dog I had.

I told her it was my service dog.

Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that. What type of service?

I said he was a BLD. By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly.

She said, what is a BLD?

I told her it stood for Butt Licking Dog.

She said Butt Licking Dog?

I said yeah, he has been trained to lick my butt clean because I can’t seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders. The cashier completely lost it.

Signs You’ve Chosen A No Frills Airline

• They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.
• All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
• Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
• You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
• Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
• The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
• When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
• The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
• You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”
• No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
• You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.
• All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

If Only It Was That Easy

A young woman went to the renowned Dr. Smith for advice on how to enlarge her very small chest.

The doctor told her: “Every day after your shower, you must throw your hands in the air and proclaim, ‘Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.”‘

She did this faithfully for months, and sure enough, she grew a terrific D-cup!

One morning, she was running late, hopped on the bus, and suddenly realized she had forgotten her daily ritual. Panicked, she stood in the middle of the aisle, closed her eyes, threw he hands in the air, and proclaimed: “Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.”

A man sitting nearby leaned over and asked, “By any chance… are you a patient of Dr. Smith’s?”

Surprised, she said, “Why yes, I am! How on earth did you know that?”

The man winked and whispered: “Hickory dickory dock…”

Then and Now (for those over 50)

Then: Killer weed
Now: Weed killer

Then: Elvis in the army
Now: Elvis in a UFO

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then: Moving to California because it’s cool
Now: Moving to California because it’s warm

Then: Being called into the principal’s office
Now: Storming into the principal’s office

Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party
Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Keg
Now: EKG

Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test

Then: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Questions

I am old, and I just realized I still have so many unanswered questions.

I never found out who let the Dogs Out…where’s the beef…how to get to Sesame Street… why Dora doesn’t just use Google Maps…why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that’s tough as nails…why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed… why “abbreviated” is such a long word… why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons… why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections… and, why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts” where’s that extra penny going to… why do “The Alphabet Song” and “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” have the same tune… why did you just try to sing those two previous songs… and just what is Victoria’s secret?

I Don’t Know But She Used All Our Shit

Not A Bathroom I Want To Use, On So Many Levels

Yes My Dad Has A Weird Sense Of Humor And Yes He Does My Hair

An Actual Conversation I Had With My Lawyer

What Could Go Wrong?

I’m Not Surprised At All

Get It Right Or Else!

That’s One Way To Get Rid Of Him

Actually, That Thing Was Never Right

Ok, Now I’m Old