The Horrifying Downside To Being A Superhero’s Brother

Federal Employees

These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations…

• “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
• “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity”
• “I would not allow this employee to breed”
• “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be”
• “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap”
“When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet”
• “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle”
• “This young lady has delusions of adequacy”
• “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them”
• “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot”
• “This employee should go far, and the sooner the better”
• “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together”
• “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus”
• “He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless”
• “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier”
• “I would like to go hunting with him sometime”
• “He’s been working with glue too much”
• “He would argue with a signpost”
• “He has knack for making strangers immediately”
• “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room”
• “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell”
• “If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one”
• “A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens”
• “A prime candidate for natural de-selection”
• “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it”
• “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming”
• “Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it”
• “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week”
• “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change”
• “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean”
• “It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm”
• “One neuron short of a synapse”
• “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled”
• “Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes”
• “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead”

A Man Gets Pulled Over For Speeding

As the cop approaches the car, the man asks if he can get out of the car and the cop says ok! He then asks the man why he was speeding!

The man says, “You see the woman sitting in the passenger side front seat? That’s my wife! You see the woman sitting in the back seat? That’s my mother-in-law! And she has been living with us for 3 months now and this morning they had a big fight and my mother-in-law insisted we take her home and I’m trying to get her there as quickly as possible before they make up and she wants to come back home with us.”

The cop looks at the man and says, “Get back in your car and I will give you a police escort with lights and siren and we will get her home!”

Old Man’s List

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
10. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

He Really Should Have Known Better

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

Husband is recovering from a head injury now

Quotes By Zsa Zsa Gabor:

• I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
• My husband said it was him or the cat. I miss him sometimes.
• How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
• I’m a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
• I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?
• There is no diet for a big ego.
• A girl must marry for love and keep on marrying until she finds it.
• Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended.
• When in trouble, take a bath and wash your hair.
• Any woman who diets all the time can’t help but be grouchy. Nobody can be amusing or entertaining on a diet.
• I believe in large families. Every woman should have at least three husbands.
• A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
• I love the intellectual type. They know everything and suspect nothing.
• The only place men want depth in their women is in her décolletage.
• I always said marriage should be a fifty-fifty proposition. He should be at least fifty years old and have at least fifty million dollars.

Probably The Only Way You’ll Win An Argument

Next time you’re in a fight with your wife, start undressing.

She will instantly have a headache and fall asleep.

Things To Ponder

-What if my dog only brings the ball back because he thinks I like throwing it?
-If the poison expiration date is past does that mean it’s less or more poisonous?
-Which letter in “Scent” is silent…is the S or the C?
-Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
-Why is W pronounced “double U” instead of “double V”?
-What if oxygen is killing you & it just takes 75 to 100 years to work?
-Every time you clean, you make something else dirty.
-100 years ago, everyone had a horse, only the rich had a car. Today everyone has cars & only the rich have horses.
-If you replace the “W” with a “T’ in “What, Where & When”, you would have the answer to each one.
-If you rip a hole in a net, you have less holes than you started with.

When Husband And Wife Both Cheat

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice, “Hi. I’m so glad you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye Bye.” She hangs up.

The man asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” she replies, “That was my husband telling me about the great time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

Unnatural Laws

Murphy’s Law
If anything can go wrong, it will.

O’Tools Commentary
Murphy was an optimist.

The Unspeakable Law
As soon as you mention something…
If it’s good, it goes away. If it’s bad, it happens.

Howe’s Law
Every man has a scheme that will not work.

Etorre’s Observation
The other line moves faster.

Gordon’s First Law
If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well.

Boren’s Law
When in doubt, mumble.

The Golden Rule
Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Barth’s Distinction
There are two types of people; those who divide people into two types, and those that don’t.

Samaritan’s Reality
No good deed goes unpunished.

Yep, That’s About It

Putting a 2-year-old to bed who “Isn’t tired” is like putting your drunk friend to bed.

They’re singing to themselves, requesting water, claims they love you, incoherently babble, crying, doing some weird yoga poses, and has the hiccups

And then, they pass out.

Because We Don’t Pay Them Enough To Stay

They Don’t Make Dads Like That Anymore

I Wouldn’t Store This Book That Way

That’s One Way To Get The Plane To Land ASAP

What’s Wrong With That?

Jersey Red Neck

You Trippin

That Will Never Happen To Me

Since When Is This Old?

Isn’t It Always Like That