Things Only Siblings Understand

Top Pick Up Line Rejections

Here is one for the ladies – next time some sleaze tries to pick you up with one of these ridiculous pick up lines, you will have some ammo to fight back! Top pick up line rejections:

Man: “Hi, I’m a millionaire!”
Woman: “Hi, I work for the IRS.”

Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: Female impersonator.

Man: So, wanna go back to my place?
Woman: Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?

Man: Hey, baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: For the first half of it, I probably wasn’t born yet.

Man: Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason!
Woman: Yeah! To pick up some chicks!

Man: Haven’t we met before?
Woman: Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.

Man: I’d like to call you. What’s your number?
Woman: It’s in the phone book.
Man: But I don’t know your name.
Woman: That’s in the phone book too.

Man: “I’d really like to get into your pants.”
Woman: “No thanks. There’s already one a$$hole in there.”

Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized.”

But wait – something for the guys
You didn’t think you would get away that easily did you ladies? Here are rebuttals for the boys.

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there thinks you’re a fat skank.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably not if I meet your price.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.
Man: That’s cool, ’cause after I’m done sleeping with you in the back of my car, I don’t give a crap where you go.

Man: Do you want to dance?
Woman: No!
Man: I think you misheard me. I said you look fat in those pants.

Application To Live In Arkansas

Subject: Application to reside in the state of Arkansas, or any nearby vicinity widely populated with rednecks

Name: __________________________
Nickname: _________________________________
CB Handle: _____________________
Address (RFD No.):_________________–________________________________
Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):______________________________________
Mamma: _________________________
Neck Shade: _____Light Red _____Medium Red _____Dark Red
Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper_____ Lower_____
Name of Pickup owned: _______________ Height of Truck: __________
Truck equipped with:
____Gun Rack ____4-Wheel Drive ____Confederate Flag
____Cassette Deck ____Load of Wood ____Hijacker Shocks
____Radar Detector ____Mag Wheels ____Dual CB Antennas
____Spittoon ____Camper Top ____Air Horns
____Mud Flaps ____Toothpick Holder
____Raccoon Hide ____Big Dog ____Mud-Grip Tires
Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:_____
BUMPER STICKERS:
____Eat more Possum ____My other car is a piece of shit too
____Honk if you love Jesus ____If you ain’t a cowboy you ain’t shit
____Redman Chewing Tobacco ____Wave if you’re h@rny
Define the following (must be 90% correct):
1. Grits 6. Sawmill Gravy 11. Cobbler 16. Tater
2. Goobers 7. Turnip Salad 12. Fatback 17. Pig Skins
3. Pinto Beans8. Shit-on-a-Shingle 13. Tote 18. Okrie
4. Collards 9. Redeye Gravy 14. Chickin’ Fry 19. Shonuf
5. Sidemeat 10. Soppin’ Syrup 15. Poke 20. Chitlins
Favorite Singer:
____Reba McEntire ____Conway Twitty ____Loretta Lynn
____Hank Williams Jr. ____Randy Travis ____Ray Wylie Hubbard
____Tammy Wynette ____Slim Whitman ____Porter Wagoner
____Willie Nelson ____George Jones ____Box Car Willie
Favorite Recreation:
____Square Dancin’ ____Possum Huntin’ ____Skinny Dippin’
____Craw Daddin’ ____Gospel Singin’ ____4-Wheelin’
____Drankin’ ____Spittin’ Backy ____Bill Chip Throwin’
____Honky Tonkin’ ____Noodlin’ ____Other
Name of Son(s): ____Bubba ____Jim Bob ____LeeRoy ____J.D.
Name of Daughter(s): ____PennySue ____Violet ____Paulette ____Daisy
Weapons Owned:
___Deer Rifle ___Sawed-Off Shotgun ___Varmit Rifle ___Be Be Gun
___Tire Iron ___Power Chain Saw ___Pick Handle ___Hick’ry Switch
Number of Dogs:____ Type: ___Blue Tick ___Beagle ___Black & Tan ___Bird Dawg
Cap Emblem:___John Deer ___McCullock Chain Saws ___Budweiser
___Vo-Tech ___Skoal ___Coors
___NAPA ___Smile if You’re Not Wearing Underwear
Number of Dependents: Legal: ________ Claimed:_________
Number of Weeks Unemployed: __________
Number of Welfare Checks Received: ____________
Memberships:
___KKK ___NRA ___Moose ___PTL Club ___AA
___Bass Club ___VFW ___Quiltin’ Bee ___American Legion
___United Sons’/Daughters of the Confederacy ___John Birch Society
Length of Right leg: ________ Length of Left leg: __________
Does your truck contain some part painted the official state color of Primer Red? ___Yes ___No
How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard? _______
How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch? __________
Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags? ____________
Do you own any shoes? ____Yes ____No If yes, how many? __________
What year did you last purchase shoes? _________________
Are you married to any of the following?:
____Sister ____Cousin ____Sow
Do you know her name? ________________
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup? ____________
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time? ____________
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend? ________________
If so, why? _____________________________________________________________
Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on? ____ To 21 with your fly up? ______
Do you know any words that have more than four letters? __________________
Have you ever had more than one bath in a week? __________________________
Medical Information:
Do you have at least two of the following:
___Teeth ___Crabs ___Head Lice ___Rabies
___Trench Mouth ___Runny Nose ___Bad Breath ___Chafing

IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN BY THE STATE OF ARKANSAS, YOU MAY BE ELIGIBLE IN THE STATES OF TEXAS OR OKLAHOMA. THEIR STANDARDS ARE SLIGHTLY LOWER, HOWEVER, YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO VISIT ARKANSAS.

Windows Is Not A Virus

No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly. … Okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. … Okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. … Okay, Windows does that too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. … Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. … Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus. … It’s a bug.

Instructions For Woman

• Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
• Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
• Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.
• What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
• So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
• If they can put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all there.
• Tell him you’re not his type – you have a pulse.
• Never let your man’s mind wander – its too little to be left out alone.
• Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.
• Never marry a man for money. You’ll have to earn every penny.
• Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
• The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
• If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him check books.
• A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually, “Oh all right, I’ll stay the night”.
• Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn’t even have bothered to have lunch with.
• Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
• If he asks you if you if you’re faking it tell him no, you’re just practicing.
• When he asks you if he’s your first tell him, “You may be, you look familiar.”

What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers

General Motors doesn’t have a “help line” for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers — but imagine if they did . . .

HELPLINE: “General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!”
HELPLINE: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”
CUSTOMER: “What’s an ignition?”
HELPLINE: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.
CUSTOMER: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?”

HELPLINE: “General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!”
HELPLINE: “Is the gas tank empty?”
CUSTOMER: “Huh? How do I know!?”
HELPLINE: “There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F.’ Where is the needle pointing?”
CUSTOMER: “It’s pointing to ‘E.’ What does that mean?”
HELPLINE: “It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.”
CUSTOMER: “What!? I paid $42,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!”

HELPLINE: “General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “Your cars suck!”
HELPLINE: “What’s wrong?”
CUSTOMER: “It crashed, that’s what went wrong!”
HELPLINE: “What were you doing?”
CUSTOMER: “I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed — and now it won’t start!”
HELPLINE: “It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?”
CUSTOMER: “I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn’t crash anymore!”

HELPLINE: “General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.”
HELPLINE: “Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “How do I work it?”
HELPLINE: “Do you know how to drive?”
CUSTOMER: “Do I know how to what?”

HELPLINE: “Do you know how to DRIVE?”
CUSTOMER: “I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!”

Top Ten Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

10) Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
9) Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
8) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
7) Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
6) Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5) On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
4) Shave.
3) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
2) Stand silent and motionless, in the corner, facing the wall without getting off.
1) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, “Got enough air in there?”

Courses At Your Local Community College

Self Improvement
S1 100 Creative Suffering
S1 101 Overcoming peace of mind
S1 102 Ego gratification through violence
S1 103 Dealing with Post-Realization Depression
S1 104 Overcoming self-doubt through pretense & ostentation
S1 105 Whine your way to alienation
S1 106 Feigning knowledge – a career enhancement strategy
S1 107 Guilt without s ex
S1 108 Children – an avoidable distraction in educational decision making
S1 109 Keeping facts out of your management structures
S1 110 Carrying a piece of paper while walking briskly

Business & Career
BC 100 Third World Status – a meaningful career goal
BC 101 Packaging and selling your child
BC 102 The underachiever’s guide to very small business opportunities
BC 103 How to profit from your own body
BC 104 Acting up posts in Iraq
BC 105 Tattooing colleagues as an income supplement
BC 106 Credit purchasing with your kidney donor card

Crafts
C 100 Bonsai you’re pet
C 102 Self actualization through macramé
C 103 Origami for self defense
C 104 Drawing genitalia in soft pastel shades (Summer Term only)
C 105 Needlecraft for substance abusers

Home Economics
HE 100 Virus cultivation in the household refrigerator
HE 102 Basic kitchen taxidermy
HE 103 1001 alternative uses for the vacuum cleaner
HE 104 Simple mutation techniques using a microwave
HE 105 MFI underwater home birth methods

Fitness & Health
FH 100 The joys of hypochondria
FH 101 High Fiber S ex/Bio Feedback and how to stop it
FH 102 Skate your way to regularity
FH 103 Tap-dance your way to social ridicule
FH 104 Eating with plastic spoons
FH 105 Flatulence control through Yoga

Miscellaneous Quotes

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
-Oscar Wilde

I try. I fail. I try again. I fail better.
-Samuel Beckett

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “What for?”
-Steven Wright

A wise man hears one word and understands two.
-Jewish proverb

Shoot for the Moon because even if you miss, at least you’ll drift aimlessly through space for the rest of your natural life.
-me

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
-H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
-H.L. Mencken

“Love” is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
-Robert A. Heinlein (Jubal Harshaw, from the book “Stranger in a Strange Land”)

Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.
-Wernher von Braun

Sometimes I think we’re alone in the universe, and sometimes I think we’re not. In either case the idea is quite staggering.
-Arthur C. Clarke

The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once.
-Albert Einstein

Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It’s staying up all night looking for one that does him in.
-Casey Stengel

Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.
-Samuel Butler

It’s All A Pack Of Lies!

Party Lies:
I’m not gonna drink to much tonight.
They’ll all be wearing jeans.
There are no bones in this fish.
The neighbors are very tolerant.
Just half a glass, thanks.
He doesn’t normally act like this when he’s been drinking.
It’s no trouble if you stay the night.

Salesman Lies:
You won’t see this anywhere else.
This sort of thing never goes out of fashion.
Bring it back if you don’t like it.
This is a never to be repeated offer!
Unbelievably low prices.
It’s the last one in stock.
You’ll have no trouble with it.

Lies about Love:
Everyone does this, it’s perfectly normal.
It’s dangerous to your health to get excited and then stop.
I’ll stop as soon as you say.
I’ll tell her(him) tonight.
Well, the clinic said I was clear!
Nobody can hear us.
I’ll never put myself through this again

Drivers Stopped by the Law Lies:
I was just going the speed limit.
I only had one.
There wasn’t a stop sign!
The light was green.
He came from nowhere when I changed lanes.
Officer, I can walk without any assistance.

Computer Lies:
If you have any problems, just call us.
What you see on the screen, you get on paper.
Someone must have erased my program.
They don’t make those chips anymore.
If kids use them, so can adults.
Oh yeah, it’s compatible with everything.
You won’t need any special training.
There’s no harm in trying nothing can go wrong.
The manual explains everything.

Men’s Lies:
S ex isn’t everything.
This has nothing to do with my mother.
It’s not your fault.
It’s too late.
I read an article today.
I’m allergic to rubber.
We’ll try again when we wake up.
It has a mind of it’s own.
This has never happened before.

Women’s Lies:
I’ve never done this before.
You’re the first.
Drinking doesn’t affect me.
I’ve never met him I swear.
Of course I love you.
No I wasn’t putting on my makeup while driving, that would be silly.
I would never do something like that to you.
I don’t have a boyfriend

Political Lies:
He’s a real honest man, believe me.
I fought to keep that bill from passing.
I promise I’ll do it right.
I have never had an affair.
Elect me and the country will become better
I have never met the lady in question.
We care about the common person on the streets.
He (underling) has my fullest support.
Giving tax cuts to rich people will make everyone rich!

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation’s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

It Was Only A Matter Of Time

What, You Never Heard Of Carpooling To Work Before?

I Wish My Weekends Were That Much Fun

So That’s What Beer Goggles Means

Yeh So I Can Hit You With It!

That I’ll Show Them!

Oh Please! He’s Not That Rich!

I’m Sure You Do This To But These Guys Are Professionals

We Were Going To Steal The Tires But Someone Beat us To It

Well I Guess He’s Not Gay