Stop The Environment

As I Age, I Realize That…

• Old age is coming at a really bad time.
• I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
• My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
• The biggest lie I tell myself is, “I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.”
• I talk to myself because sometimes I need expert advice.
• Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
• When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it’s like a mini vacation.
• The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
• I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights.” And I’m very wise.
• I like my middle finger best, because it always sticks up for me.
• I’ve lost my mind, and I’m pretty sure my kids took it.
• Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
• Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
• Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
• When my kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please, I text back “no” which is shorter than yes.
• At my age, getting “lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
• Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree which makes it a plant which means it’s a salad . . . almost!

How Cross Are You?

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

“Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?

Steven Wright’s Wit

• Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country
• Everywhere is walking distance, if you have the time.
• I can levitate birds. No one cares.
• I had to stop driving my car for a while…the tires got dizzy.
• I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
• Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
• I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
• I try to daydream, but my mind keeps wandering.
• I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
• It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
• There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
• What exactly do batteries run on?
• When George Washington was asked for ID, did he whip out a dollar bill?
• If you filled a humidifier with wax, would it shine the room?
• I have a microwave fireplace. I laid in front of it for the evening in 7 minutes.
• I busted a mirror & got 7 years bad luck; my lawyer says he can get me five.
• I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn’t the kind that folds.
• If my foot falls asleep during the day; that means it’s gonna be up all night.
• I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Men & Woman Explained

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re great. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Now Men…. Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

50 Shades Of Grey For Seniors!

Back and forth…
Back and forth…
In and out…
In and out…
A little to the right…
A little to the left…
She could feel the sweat on her forehead…
Between her breasts…
And, trickling down the small of her back…
She was getting near to the end…
He was in ecstasy…
with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved…
Forwards then backwards…
Forward then backward…
Again…
and again…
Her heart was pounding now…
Her face was flushed…
She moaned…
softly at first, then began to groan louder…
Finally…
totally exhausted…
she let out a piercing scream…
“OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can’t parallel park. You do it!”

Free Throwing

Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided to drop stuff on the town they were flying over. One dropped a book, one dropped a brick, and one dropped a bomb, just for fun.

They then landed, to survey the damage they caused. The first thing they saw was a small child, crying and holding a book. Then they saw another small child, crying and holding a brick. Then they saw a small child laughing his head off. “What’s so funny?” they asked him.

“It was great,” he said. “I farted and my neighbor’s house blew up.”

Men: Too Much To Drink?

If one or more of the following apply to you, at social events, it’s time to slow the flow, Bro.

• You notice your tie sticking out of your fly
• You start kissing portraits on the wall
• You refill your glass from the fish bowl
• You pick up a roll, then butter your watch
• You suggest everyone stand and sing the National Budget
• You say, “Allow me to introduce my selves” to a blonde
• You suddenly decide you want to kick someone’s butt
• You drop chips in a woman’s lap, pick ‘em up & resume eating them
• You’ve forgotten where you live
• You have to be at work in less than 3 hours
• You think you’re in bed, but your pillow feels oddly like a pizza
• Dimly, you hear someone yell “Call a priest!”
• Your hugs look more like wrestling take-down moves
• You wonder why everyone’s so mean and aggressive
• You try to convince the hostess urine is good for plants
• You start to wonder where all the cute chicks came from
• You feel the house is rockin’…literally!
• You forgotten whom you brought to the party
• You prefix everything with: “Don’t take this the wrong way, but…”
• You try to pick-up your ex-wife
• You’re looking at women’s legs…from the floor
• You decide if you had your life to live over not to do it

Fighting The Taliban

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune….

“One US soldier is better than ten Taliban”

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes then silence. The voice then calls out…..

“One US soldier is better than one hundred Taliban”

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune, and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again….

“One US soldier is better than one thousand Taliban”.

The enraged Taliban commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander….. “Don’t send any more men… it’s a trap… there’s two of them!”…

You Might Work In An ER If…

• you have a shrine at home to the maker of Haldol patient tranquilizers
• you’d like to see a class in how to do a suicide right… the first time
• you don’t burst into laughter after hearing “But I can’t be pregnant!”
• you always finish your meal in less than 15 minutes
• you have the bladder capacity of 5 people
• you believe the waiting room should have a Valium dispenser
• you have your weekends off planned for a year ahead
• your idea of comforting a child includes valium
• you’ve ever said to anyone “So, did you find the fingers?”
• you believe Ask A Nurse is a satanic creation
• you assume a patient with lower back pain is a drug seeker
• you’d like to do a serum porcelain level on patients if they’re pale
• you want to examine chest clutchers first, bleeders next, then the rest
• you believe 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm
• you’ve ever had an adult look you in the face and say “I can’t swallow pills”
• you believe in aerial spraying of Prozac
• you disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see
• when out in public you compliment a stranger on their good veins
• you don’t think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate
• you refer to someone in respiratory distress as a “Smurf”
• you think unspeakable evil will occur if “Wow, it’s really quiet” is uttered
• your diet consists exclusively of processed food
• you urge obnoxious patients to sign out “AMA” (Against Medical Advice)
• you can easily identify a positive teeth to tattoo ratio
• you have ever referred to the E.R. Doc or triage nurse as a “shit magnet”
• your family members have to be bleeding uncontrollable to get your attention
• you know repeat infant visits the same night is “NPS” (new parent syndrome)
• you refer to half of your patients as “Frequent Flyers”
• you see kids who are brought in “to be checked”
• you’re a “fast track” check-out (faster than a supermarket express lane)
• you stare in utter disbelief if someone covers their mouth while coughing
• you talked to the ambulance crew by radio & put the morgue bag on the cart
• you think any who say they’re allergic to Toradol want real barbiturates
• you think “too stupid to live” is a valid diagnosis

Beer Lake

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You idiot! Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.”

Dude! It’s Mister Ed!

Guess You Shoulda Worn That Helmet Huh?

Hal 9000 Windows XP Edition

If She Lived With Him First She Would Have Expected This

Redneck Heaven

You Mean It Might Not Work?

What Comes After Straight To DVD?

His Name’s Mario Jr. Of Course

Oh Is That What That Smell Was I Was Wondering

If Someone Comes Up With “If Browsers Were Men” I’ll Put It On I Promise