Garden Of Eden

British Insults

• You look ill. Should I call a vet for you?
• Wow, you’ve got a great face, for radio!
• Are you talking to me or chewing a brick?
• Nice hair. Does it grow all over your back?
• You’re wearing that shirt for a bet, surely?
• Do you have anything edible on the menu?
• Is it normal to foam at the mouth like that?
• You’ve got a face like a bag of smashed crabs.
• Boy, you’ve been whacked with the ugly stick!
• Is that rotting flesh or your armpits I can smell?
• You’ve got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.
• You add less value than the excrement on my shoe.
• Do that again and I’ll have your guts for garters.
• You don’t have to be a complete tosser all your life.
• You’re so obnoxious, how do you live with yourself?
• Where I come from we walk the family pet not eat it.
• I’m guessing they don’t sell deodorant where you live.
• Why don’t you go sit on the rough end of a pineapple?
• I’d call you a whore but that would be unfair to whores.
• I don’t hate you but may your death be slow and painful.

Dwarfs At The Vatican

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
‘Grumpy, my son,’ says the Pope, ‘What can I do for you?’
Grumpy asks, ‘Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?’
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, ‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.’
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, ‘Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?’
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, ‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.
‘This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, ‘Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?’
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, ‘I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.’
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting……
‘Grumpy shagged a penguin!’
‘Grumpy shagged a penguin!’

Hey, You Wanted Convenience

UPS: “Your package is in your city, on a truck driven by Mike. It will arrive on your doorstep at 6:27 pm today.”

FedEx: “Your package is coming. You’ll get it when we get there.”

USPS: “What package?”

Amazon: “We are already inside your residence. Check the bathroom.”

Facebook: “We know you were thinking about getting a toaster oven yesterday. Here are 20 ads for toaster ovens.”

How Do You Deal With The Symptoms Of Old Age?

On her 110th birthday a news crew came to the old lady’s house to interview her.

“What do you attribute your long life to?”

“I drink my medicine and it helps all the symptoms of old age.”

“What medicine is that?”

“For better digestion — I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine. In the case of low blood pressure, I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure, I drink scotch. And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps.”

“When do you drink water?”

“I’ve never been that sick.

Murphy’s Laws of Computing.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point when you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information, is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.r>
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human….to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A computer system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

How To Get Back At Your Cheating Girlfriend

When your girlfriend is cheating on you, change her dad’s name in her phone to the guy she’s cheating on you with, so she sends him nudes.

The Potter Series According To Voldemort

- Voldemort and the Face-full of Cloth
- Voldemort and the Time They Killed My Pet
- Voldemort and the Year I Just Chilled
- Voldemort and the Sparkly Vampire Kid
- Voldemort and the Idiots Who Think They Can Stop Me
- Voldemort and the Year My Secrets Are Found
- Voldemort and the Year I Take A Wand From An Old Dude only For It To Kill Me

People Are Just Plain Stupid

Do y’all remember, before the internet, that people thought the cause of stupidity was the lack of access to information?

Yeah. It wasn’t that.

Weird Job Interviews

Today was the first time I had to show my TikTok page at a job interview.

One girl told me she had 2 degrees.
I asked her what they were, and she said, “High school and college.”

Today during the interview, I poured water into a glass, and it overflowed a little, “Nervous?” the interviewer asked.
“No, I just always give 110%.”

Once I was conducting an interview, a person came, answered my three usual questions, such as where he studied, past place of work, what can you do, and suddenly he stood up loudly and said, “l DON’T LIKE YOU” and left.

I had to do an IQ test at a job interview.
I scored 130. The interviewer said, “I’ll mark this as 110 because the boss has 115 and he hates know-it-alls.”

Me: what about salary? I am interested in the amount, raise structure, and the system of bonuses.
Employer: You ask so much about the salary that it seems like you came to work for the money.
Me: Right impression.

I went to a job interview, the office manager came out to meet me at the entrance, but forgot his ID, and the security guy wouldn’t let him back in.
The manager got nervous, and I told him it was okay. Then his boss came out, but forgot his ID, and the security guy wouldn’t let any of us in.
So, we ended up having the interview at a nearby cafe.

If I had to conduct a job interview, I would only ask one question: “Do you think it’s okay to heat up fish meatballs in an office microwave oven?”

This Actually Explains A Lot

“Captain, why is an entire planet being used to hold only two life forms”?

“The species confined there is the most savage and destructive of any world. We’ve waited this long to check on them to make sure they died. We’re lucky they’re the last ones”.

“Checking status of prisoners Adam and Eve”.

The Captain looked at the reading. Then reached into their coat pocket and produced a flask, taking a long drink.

“Captain?”

“Seven. Billion.”

“What?”

“There are. SEVEN. BILLION. of them. Down there. They’ve spread to every inhabitable continent.”

“But…how? WHY? WHAT?”

“Um sir, look outside the window, you want to see this.”

Floating outside the window was a human in a primitive space suit, tapping on the glass and waving politely.

The Captain took another drink. “Alright, we back away slowly, we fly back home. We never look back. We never mention this to anyone. Ever.”

As the space ship sped off, the Astronaut sighed dejectedly. “Mission control, we scared off another one. I’m heading back to the station. Over.”

“Roger that. Don’t be discouraged, I’m sure one of them will want to talk. Over.”

“I don’t know, I’m starting to get the feeling they know something we don’t. Over and out.”

How Much Did You Pay For This?

I Think It’s Time We Stop Feeding You From The Table

Read The Fine Print On This Coyote Warning Sign

The Older We Get, The More We Understand This Guy

How To Make Sure You Never Have To Lead Grace Again?

Who Did You Think Owned Them?

I Would Seriously Scream If My Kid Woke Me Up Looking Like This

Sure Just Rub It In Why Don’t You

Then Dig A Bigger Hole You Lazy Kids

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