Bill Maher – Comic Relief VI (1994)

You Know You Need A Different Lawyer When…

You met him in prison.
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
He tells you that he’s never told a lie.
He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.”
A prison guard is shaving your head.

A Gallon Of What?

So, you think a gallon of gasoline is expensive? Well!!!
Here are a few things that Autoweek brought to our attention to compare.

This is what it costs to buy a gallon of…
Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 equals $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 equals $ 9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 equals $ 10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 equals $ 10.00 per gallon
Quart of milk 16 oz for $1.59 equals $ 6.32 per gallon
STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 equals $ 33.60 per gallon
Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 equals $ 178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 equals $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7oz for $1.39 equals $254.17 per gallon
Scope 1.5oz for $0.99 equals $ 84.84 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER……

Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 equals $ 21.19 per gallon… $21.19 FOR WATER!!!
You get the idea?? So next time you’re at the gas pump, be glad your vehicle does NOT run on Whiteout!!!

The Short History Of Medicine

2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. – That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. – That antibiotic doesn’t work any more. Here, eat this root.

Somewhere In Alabama:

Half dressed redneck couple is sitting on the couch watching news on TV with the man’s arm around the woman:

Man: “Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to show dem liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin’”

Woman: “Right, Daddy”

How To Annoy Your Waiter:

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, “Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?”
8. After he describes each special, you shout, “Garbage!”
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, “Minimum wage”.
6. Every few seconds, yell, “More waffles, Cuomo!”
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, “You wouldn’t charge Superman for dinner, would you?”
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, “He’s gonna spit in the chowder!”
1. Three words: eat the check.

Food For Thought

Number 10: Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9: Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8: Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7: Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6: Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 5: All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 4: Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 3: In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 2: Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers–what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

And The Number 1 Thought: “Don’t worry about old age – it doesn’t last that long.”

Q & A On Birth

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q. What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

Yet More Ways To Annoy People

1. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
2. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
3. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
4. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
5. Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s road maps.
6. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
7. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
8. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
9. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
10. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
11. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”
12. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
13. When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.
14. Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”
15. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
16. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
17. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
18. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
19. Drive half a block.
20. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
21. Ask people what gender they are.
22. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
23. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
24. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes”.
25. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
26. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. Like a parakeet.

True Meaning Of Male Statements

Statement: “I’m a Romantic.”
True Meaning: “I’m poor.”

Statement: “You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.”
True Meaning: “You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”

Statement: “I really want to get to know you better.”
True Meaning: “So I can tell my friends about it.”

Statement: “She’s kinda cute.”
True Meaning: “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.”

Statement: “I don’t know if I like her.”
True Meaning: “She won’t sleep with me.”

Statement: “Was it good for you?”
True Meaning: “I’m insecure about my manhood.”

Statement: “I had a wonderful time last night.”
True Meaning: “Who are you?”

Statement: “Do you love me?”
True Meaning: “I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”

Statement: “Do you ‘really’ love me?”
True Meaning: “I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.”

Statement: “How much do you love me?”
True Meaning: “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you by now.”

Statement: “I have something to tell you.”
True Meaning: “Get tested.”

Statement: “I’ve been thinking a lot.”
True Meaning: “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”

Statement: “I think we should just be friends.”
True Meaning: “You’re ugly.”

Statement: “I’ve learned a lot from you.”
True Meaning: “Next!!!!”

Statement: “I’m on a long distance call, can you call me later?”
True Meaning: “I gotta turn on my answering machine.”

Because Doing It For Real Is A Hell Of A Lot Harder

He Wanted To Pave Over Him But The Truck Wouldn’t Go Up That High

Theirs Been Budget Cuts In The Empire

New Senior Citizen Eye Chart

So Make The Most Of It, Leave The Light On, Eat In bed, And Watch Cable All Night Long

Maybe It’s Time To Rethink The Happy Meals

Good Tip Captain Obvious!

Congratulations You Succeeded

I Don’t Think That’s What They Had In Mind When They Invented It

Give Me COOKIES!!!