If Pregnancy Test Commercials Were Honest

You Know You’re Gonna Have a Bad Day if…

• Your twin sibling forgets your birthday
• You wake up face down in the gutter
• You come to and find yourself handcuffed in a patrol car
• You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold
• You see a “60 Minutes” film crew pulling into your driveway
• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
• Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
• You go to hang up the clothes you wore to the party but there aren’t any
• You turn on the TV and there’s a map of emergency evacuation routes
• The woman you’ve been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife
• You wake up to discover your motorcycle alongside the bed
• Your horn gets stuck following a group of Hell’s Angels
• You get rejection notices from humor lists saying you’re no longer funny
• Your doctor tells you, “Well, I have bad news and some worse news…”
• The morning paper has your picture with a caption “WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE”
• Your ex-lover tells you she has 6 days to live and that you’d better get tested
• You wake up at work naked in front of your co-workers
• Someone accuses you of faking everything
• Your lover’s given your name as a witness to her whereabouts last night
• You have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up
• You need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned chocolate
• Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat
• You wake up and your braces are locked together
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife
• Your income tax return check bounces
• You put both contact lenses in the same eye
• Your pet rock snaps at you
• Your wife says, “Good morning, Jimmy” and your name is George

Husband’s Text Message To Wife:

Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays. Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches. I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of the right foot is a possibility.

Love you…

Wife’s Response:

Who the fuck is Paula?

Real Life ‘Dilbert-Type’ Managers

“My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.” (CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.”
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

“What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.”
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

“E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.”
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

“This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.”
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.”
(Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

“No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.”
R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Lucky Blonde

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet 20 thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Mama needs new clothes!” Then she hollered, “Yes! Yes! I won! I won!” She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The other answered, “I don’t know, I thought you were watching!”

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

The Cynic’s Dictionary

IDEOLOGUE: Generally an obscure humorless zealot who finds fulfillment by spouting the ideas of famous humorless zealots.

JEANS: Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being the zits.

JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.

KLEPTOMANIAC: A thief with breeding.

LABORATORY ANIMALS: Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of science. Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo.

LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.

LECHER: A stud with liver spots.

LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.

LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.

MARTIAL ARTS: A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one’s opponent is armed with a semi-automatic.

MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.

MIRROR: A truthful reflector shunned by vampires, hypocrites and aging fashion models.

MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.

NECKTIE: A decorative noose worn by businessmen.

NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.

NEIGHBORS: The strangers who live next door.

NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it.

OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for our neighbor’s parakeet.

PARASITE: A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, like a tapeworm or a biographer.

POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.

PROFESSIONAL MODEL: Cheekbones that sell cosmetics; hipbones that sell anorexia.

Papa Fell

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual
that happened during the past week.

Little Irving got up to read his. “Papa fell in the well last week…” he began.

“Good heavens,” shrieked Mrs. Smith, the teacher. “Is he all right now?”

“He must be,” said little Irving. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.

Think You’re Too Fat?

Over half of US citizens are overweight.
I thought maybe some guidelines would help you to decide if you’re too fat would help.

Well, if it takes you three trips to go thru a turnstile — maybe ya oughta diet.

Remember… your bath tub is not supposed to be form fitting.

You’re way too FAT if:

• When your beeper goes off, people think you are backing up
• When you go to a restaurant, you glance at the menu and say “OK!”
• When you bungee jump, the bridge comes down too
• You iron your pants/slacks in the driveway
• If people have to take a train to get on your good side
• In the morning, you wake up in sections
• All the airlines make you buy two tickets
• The Post Office is considering giving you your own Zip Code
• All pictures of you now have to be an aerial view
• The bath tub has to be greased so you can get out
• You get runs and stress fractures in your blue-jeans
• You’re able to influence the tides when you go swimming
• You set off car alarms just by walking by
• When you go to an amusement park, people try to ride you
• At the beach, Greenpeace tries to tow you back into the ocean
• You’re on both sides of the family
• The animals at the zoo try to feed you
• When you go to an all-you-can-eat buffet, they install speed bumps
• You favorite snack is Wheat Thicks
• When you jump up in the air, you get stuck
• Your waist size is larger than your IQ
• You were once mistakenly zoned for commercial development
• People jog around you for exercise
• When you go to the movies, you sit next to everyone
• You qualify for group rate insurance
• You were born on the 4th, 5th and 6th of the month
• You’re good natured since it takes too long to get totally mad
• You’re the only investment your mate ever made that tripled
• You have to wear prescription underwear
• Generally speaking, you’re living beyond your seams

Making A Fortune

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.”

“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

You Know You Work In Corporate America If…

• You get really excited about a 3% pay raise.
• Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
• You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
• You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
• It’s dark when you drive to and from work.
• Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
• “Communication” is something your group is having problems with.
• You’re already late on the assignment you just got.
• Free food left over from meetings is on your mind to bring home at the end of your shift.
• Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital.
• Art involves a white board.
• You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say “Oh wow, thanks!”
• Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers”.
• Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
• Your boss’ favorite lines are “when you get a few minutes”, “in your spare time”, “when you’re freed up”, and “I have an opportunity for you.”
• You’ve sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
• When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone with your company’s name

Universal Truths

A universal truth is something that’s true at all times for all people.
Here are a few:

• Beware of any project that starts with the words, “Remove old finish”
• True happiness is finding someone who will put up with you
• The first step in finding that person is admitting you need putting up with
• To find why something’s the way it is, see who’s making money from it
• If it ain’t chocolate, it ain’t dessert
• When someone is acting “for your own good”, you won’t like it
• Furthermore, they will probably expect you to pay for it
• And, if they’re “protecting your morals”, you’ll have to pay double
• Not all lawyers should be shot — some should be hanged
• Nothing is so perfect that someone, somewhere, won’t hate it
• Real knowledge is knowing where to find the answers
• The world is run by the people that show up for work
• Information is not knowledge anymore than ingredients are a cake
• Intellectualism must not be confused with wisdom
• If you do something right the first time, no one knows how difficult it was
• The difference between adventure and disaster is preparation
• Few things in life succeed as well as an on/off switch
• The most popular human pastime is denial
• Forgiveness is easier to obtain than permission
• A solution proposed by a politician will cause more problems than it solves
• Don’t worry, you’re not the first
• You can probably have it if you’re willing to pay for it
• Man’s most precious possessions are his day dreams
• If someone from the Government says they’re here to help you — Run!!!
• “No comment” is a comment
• Time is an illusion but never so much as when you’re using a modem
• People who are all wrapped up in themselves are overdressed
• Try to keep your words soft and sweet in case you have to eat them
• Despite the cost of living it remains fairly popular

Don’t Even Think Of Honking At Me Buddy!

Good Warning Sign

It’s A Good Thing They’re Made So Cute

No There Aren’t

Forget The Owner With The Gun, Beware The Dog!

Try Our New $10,000 Caviar Burger

Only Steroids Will Get You There

Part Of Me Wants To Know What Their Up To And Part Of Me Doesn’t

And You Thought They’d Always Be Cool

Please Stop Working And Play With Me