Misery, My Sweet Babboo – Robot Chicken

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever – so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. My mind is like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

As Long As She Walking

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
“Yes?” replied the teacher.

“Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

Odd Signs…

These signs have allegedly been spotted in public use.

• Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.
• In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
• In an office: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
• English sign in a German cafe: Mothers, please wash your Hans before eating.
• Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything–bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
• Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.
• Outside a photographer’s studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.
• Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing, no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
• Outside a disco: Smart is the most exclusive disco in town, everyone welcome.
• Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand, any person passing this point will be drowned, by order of the district council.
• Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with the letter louts and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.
• Notice in a dry cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
• Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.
• Spotted in a safari park: Elephants, please stay in your car.
• Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
• Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
• Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
• Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn’t work.)
• Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order please use floor below.

Baseball In Heaven

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day.

Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal: if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol…”

Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”

“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.

Abe says, “Well… there is baseball in heaven.”

Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?”

Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”

Office Dares

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES

1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2. Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other non-player must be in the bathroom at the time).

3. Ignore the first five people who say “good morning” to you.

4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye”.

5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, “Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!”

7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way.”

8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

9. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINT OFFICE DARES

1. Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask “Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it.”

3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

4.Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a “non-player” within sight).

5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT OFFICE DARES

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2. Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Bob.”

4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two.”

5. After every sentence, say “mon” in a really bad Jamaican accent, i.e., “the report’s on your desk, mon.” Keep this up for one hour.

6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”

8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce “As god is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”

9. In a colleague’s diary, write in 10am: “See how I look in tights?”

10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask “You wanna trade?”

11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”

12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it.”

13. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

14. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

Bottle Of Wine

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, ‘Good trade.’

Savage Insults

• “Imagine the conversations we would have if you replied as fast as you finished.”
• “It’s ok. I’m too complex to be understood by narrow minded simplicity”
• “I see you’ve set boundaries between yourself and common sense”
• “Your learning curve must be a circle”
• “That’s an interesting conclusion you have come to considering the resources available to you.”
• “Intelligence is chasing you but you are faster”
• “You aren’t even worth the fu(k it took to make you let alone my time”
• “Working with you is like working alone but harder”
• “You look like I earn Monopoly money”
• “That’s why you look like a busted up radiator you bell pepper built bitch”
• “You possess a mind that is completely unburdened by the complications Of thought”
• “That was definitely a choice, but not one I would make”
• “My baby daddy was in jail and I told him I wasn’t about to argue with someone who has a bedtime”
• “Whatever makes you feel taller”
• “I love how committed you are to your limitations”
• “I truly admire your notable courage to speak in the vast absence of knowledge.”
• “Were you dropped on your head as a baby or did you just slide out a fu(king dumbass?”
• “If brains were measured in cotton, you wouldn’t have enough to make a tampon for a flea.”
• “You need to start taking your fiber intake more seriously since you’re always so full of shit”
• “A douche Of your magnitude could cleanse a whales vagina.”

Orange

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”

The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”

The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”

The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…’”

Five Stages Of Drunkenness

Stage 1 – SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.

The Vet

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,
“Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy — Either way, you get your dog back!”

Well At Least I Know I’m Normal

Don’t You Hate It When That Happens

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It’s Never Too Early To Start

Who Says Red Necks Can’t Be Poets

And Head Off To That Even Worse Job, But It Just Pays Better

But What If Their Really Slow?

Ouch! On So Many Levels

No, That’s Not What He Means

It’s Hard Being A Computer These Days