Clint Howard Reboots Pippi Longstocking with Milla Jovovich and Fred Willard

The Top Ten Times In History When It Was OK To Use The ‘F’ Word

1. “What the fuck was that?” -Mayor of Hiroshima
2. “Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” -Custer
3. “Any fucking idiot could understand that.” -Einstein
4. “It does SO fucking look like her!” -Picasso
5. “All right who threw that fucking apple?” – Isaac Newton
6. “You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?” -Michaelangelo
7. “I don’t suppose it’s gonna fucking rain.” -Joan of Arc
8. “Scattered fucking showers…my ass!” -Noah
9. “I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!” -JFK
10. “Aw, c’mon Monica, who the fuck is going to find out?” -Bill Clinton

Don’t Mess With Nerds Their Smarter Then You

A while ago in my AP Chemistry class, this one annoying kid and my friend were having a weird argument about who was better.

The annoying kid said, “Well, at least I have a girlfriend!”

To which I responded, “Whatever. Your girlfriend has 67 protons.”

In response, the entire class, including the teacher, turned their heads to look at the periodic table on the wall. The element with 67 protons is holmium, with the chemical symbol “Ho.” My teacher was the first to laugh.

Do Not Mention These When Calling In Sick To Work

01) “Can’t make it in today – there’s a new Marmaduke in the paper!!”

02) “To be honest, I’m just not a big Wednesday guy.”

03) “Did Jesus have to call in to the office when he was taking a sick day?”

04) “Let’s just say that I have contracted a severely infectious sexually-transmitted disease that’s currently wreaking havoc on every inch of my genitals, and leave it at that.”

05) “Ugh, whenever I’m at the office, I get that old feeling like it’s 1941 and I’m Hitler and I’ve accidentally wandered into a Nuremberg sex party wearing my niece’s powder blue negligee again. You smell what I’m steppin’ in, Mr. Blumenfeld?”

06) “Just having a little difficulty sorting out what’s reality and what’s dreamscape, that’s all.”

07) “Maybe I’ll start coming in more often when you tards stop being so anal with your whole ‘no Bang Bus at the office’ bullshit.”

08) “Today I must commence the reeducation of my Pomeranian-Beagle mix, ‘Little Lord Fontleroy.’”

09) “My nu metal band has a gig in Southeast Hidalgo this afternoon.”

10) “I need to make more time for the things that make me happy, and my roommate just bought a handle of McCormick’s Vanilla and a copy of Bumfights 4: Return of the Ruckus.”

11) “Why I gonna be crackulatin’ on y’all hood bitches when shawty’s milkshake right here in mah crib, son?”

12) “My head feels funny. And by my head, I mean my Johnson. And by my Johnson, I mean my abnormally small Johnson. Hey that reminds me, how small would you guess my Johnson is? No, come on, please guess? If you would just take a guess I’ll come in today! Please?!”

13) “Why are you calling me? Didn’t you see my Facebook status? I’m meditating!”

14) “Duh, I’ll be at my dad’s office. Is today not Take Your Child to Work Day, or what the fu(k?”

15) “I know I said this last time too, but this time I really did only mean to send the sexts to the legal department, not the whole office.”

16) “I still don’t see why me cooking the fries from home today is going to pose such a big ‘problem’ for you.”

17) “Don’t you ever have those nights when you can’t fall asleep and you just lie there staring at the clock, so you help yourself to just a little too much cocaine and Percocet, and suddenly you become convinced that you’re the small, venom-spewing dinosaur from Jurassic Park, so you wander out into the park looking for small animals to eat and/or mate with, but in the process of chasing a squirrel up a large oak tree, you fall off the branch, land on your head and slip into unconsciousness, only to wake up the next morning in a strange church with your eyebrows shaved off and your hands smelling of lighter fluid? Anyway, I’ll try to make it in after lunch.”

Simplified Urine Test

Go outside and pee in the garden.

If ants gather:- Diabetes.
If you pee on your feet:- Prostate.
If it smells like a barbecue:- Cholesterol.
If when you shake it, your wrist hurts:- Osteoarthritis.
If you return to your room with your penis outside your pants:- Alzheimer

Fun Stuff To Do For Your Roommate

Build an ant farm. Let your ants have “jailbreaks”. Then ask your roommate to help you hunt down all the renegade ants.

Wear nothing but tightie-whities whenever your roommate has guests.

Start a new-wave cult. Hold nightly candle-lit rituals in your room with your followers.

Get a friend to leave a message on the phone with your roommate for you saying the test results came back positive. When your roommate tells you, cough, faint, and then refuse to discuss it.

Make a voodoo doll of your roommate. Kill it.

Learn to play an accordion.

Tell your roommate on a daily basis that s/he is projecting negative karma.

Learn a lot of quotations. Whenever you talk to your roommate, say nothing but quotes for three weeks.

Sign up your roommate for all the radical organizations on campus. If they call, tell them s/he is very interested in and in favor of their cause.

Create an animal cemetery in your floor. Hold memorial services. If your roommate complains, tell him/her that s/he has no respect for the dead.

Trash the room when your roommate’s not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When s/he does, walk in and act surprised. Say, “Uh-oh, it looks like THEY were here again.”

Eat lots of “Lucky Charms.” Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can’t say anything more, or you’ll have to face the consequences.

Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, “I can’t live in the same room with you,” storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.

Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.

Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you’re doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, “Soon, soon….”

Bring in potential “new” roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, “Oh, him/her? S/he won’t be here much longer.”

Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, “Oh, she’s around here somewhere.”

Explain to your roommate that you’re going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that s/he hurt its feelings. Watch TV with the pig, eating lots of bacon.

Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if s/he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, “That was your mom. She said she’d call back.”

Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When s/he leaves, get up and loudly yell, “Okay, guys, you can come out now.”

Talk back to your “Rice Krispies.” All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, “No, I want to watch them suffer.”

Challenge your roommate to a duel. If s/he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that s/he remove all of his/her possessions immediately.

Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).

Sounds Like A Good Wish

I never wish death upon anyone who wrongs me.

I wish sudden explosive diarrhea while stuck in traffic with frequent sneezes.

I DON’T Turn On My Headlights Because:

1. I am not a sheep
2. I refuse to live in fear
3. I can see just fine
4. I respect your choice to use your lights, so respect my choice not to
5. If other drivers can not see me, that is their problem.
6. It may be a law, but it is unjust and infringes on my constitutional rights
7. I have a medical exemption and you are not allowed to ask me about that
8. I am a member of the freedom to drive in the dark committee

There’s Always A Way Around It

This old lady came to the bank I work at to withdraw $10.

I told her that for withdraws less than $100 she had to use the ATM. So, she asked to withdraw $1,000 in $10 bills.

It sucked but I counted it out and handed her the money.

She took $10, gave me $990 and said, “deposit this”.

Funny News

From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
“Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labeled ‘For The Sick,’ is for monetary donations only.”

From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
‘Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner’s Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.”

From The Times:
A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented: ‘This sort of thing is all too common these days.’

From The Gloucester Citizen:
A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled ‘Hear Me Moan’ the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, ‘He got what he deserved.’

From The Derby Abbey Community News:
We apologies for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that ‘Mr. Fred Nicolme is a defective in the police force.’ This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr. Nicolme is a detective in the police farce.

An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo and the animal’s gag reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd applauded wildly before other circus people realized what had happened.

An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of senile dementia passed round a box of mothballs thinking that they were mints. Eleven people were taken to hospital for treatment.

What Did They Have In Common?

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: “l am on the toilet. Please advise.”

I Believe It

And To Answer Your Next Question…

It’s So Funny To See My Neighbor Blame The Dogs For Shitting On His Porch

Old Age Sucks For Everyone

You Can’t Get Killed As Easily Anymore But That Was Way More Fun

Of Course I Let Her Do It. It’s Funny!

It May Have Been Cheaper But Is The Food Really That Much Better Now?

Best Septic Truck Ever!

Why Do You Think Vegans Eat Those Plants?

A Man Wouldn’t Last Five Minutes In Those Heals