Martin & Lewis – Old Calliope (1952)

How Dad Are You?

“Guess it’s free then.” (When a cashier has trouble scanning an item)
“Glad we’re not going that way” (When seeing traffic on the other side of the road)
“Found” (After pointing a stud finder at your chest)
“Can’t get very without these” (After forgetting your keys)
“Looks like we’ll have amputate” (When a kid has a minor injury)
“Look, horses” (When driving past horses)
“Let’s rock and roll! ” (When it’s time to leave)
“I’m not paying to heat the whole neighborhood” (When the door is open)
“Did you fall in?” (When a kid takes too long in the bathroom)
“It’s not heavy, just awkward” (when carrying something heavy)
“No, your Other right” (When someone mistakes left for right)
“People don’t know how to drive in this town” (In every town you’re in)
“What’s the damage? ” (Before looking at a bill)
“We needed this rain” (Every time it rains)
“Can you do mine next” (When seeing a neighbor washing their car)
“That’s how they get you” (After declining warranty protection)
“I was just resting my eyes” (After falling asleep on the couch)
“Back already? How was it? ” (When someone comes back inside because they forgot something)
“Guess they’ll let anyone in here” (When seeing a friend in public)
“That’s not going anywhere” (After tying something down)

I’ve Sure Gotten Old

I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

I have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore,

Can’t remember if I’m 82 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But, thank god, I still have my drivers license.

Nice? Things To Whisper When Hugging Someone

-You smell different when you’re awake
-Please help me (then smile as if nothing happened)
-Soon
-You have lovely skin, I can’t wait to wear it
-Your hair tastes like strawberries
-Tonight. …you.
-He knows, don’t go home.
-I always knew you would die in my arms
-Every time I poop I think of you
-No one will ever believe you
-Yessssssssssssss
-I killed Mufasa
-I bet you didn’t feel me lick your ear
-Mother told me it would be like this

A Typical Atheist’s Day

08:80am : Wake up
08:31am : Cry about Creationism in Schools
08:45am : Shower in blood
09:00am : Eat a baby
09:15am : Skype with Satan, discuss world domination
09:30am : Drive to work and sing along with Ozzy
10:05am : Scowl and hiss while walking to the desk
12:30pm : Get a latte and gluten free pastry for lunch
05:30pm : Drive home and listen to Rammstein
06:00pm : Eat another baby
10:00pm : Watch a ridiculous documentary on Atheism
03:15am : Light black candles and pray to the Dark Lord

Sexy Zodiac Personality Traits

CANCER: VERY high sex appeal, outstanding kisser, overflowing sexual energy, wanted by many but not caught by many, awesome bed partner
PISCES: Caring, smart, center of attention, very sexy, always has to have the last word. Extremely weird but in a good way, kinky in bed
LIBRA: Extremely soft and gentile, loving in a unique way, fun, silly, most caring person you’ll ever meet and AMAZING in bed, caring and sweet lover.
CAPRICORN: Sexy, intelligent, sassy, intuitive, irresistible talker, messy kisser, ALWAYS gets what they want in and out of bed, THE BEST lover ever.
AQUARIUS: Trustworthy, sexy, rare to find, loves to in long term relationships and seeks them out, energetic and tireless lovers (can we do that AGAIN?).
ARIES: Not one to mess with, spontaneous, smoking hot temper, ultra erotic unique sexy presence, will take you the pleasure palace in bed.
TAURUS: Aggressive, TOTAL freak in bed, will not give up the fight if its something they truly want, extremely outgoing, the most sensual kisser of them all and sexy as hell
LEO: Physically attractive (and they know it), always the life of the party, sexy and extremely horny, knows how to give you a good time, just plain fun in bed
VIRGO: Domineering, always gets in the last word, smart, smart ass, totally addictive. THE most passionate of all zodiac signs, high sexual energy, can be loud in bed
SCORPIO: Sexy, talkative, energetic, super intuitive, a monster in bed and cannot ever get enough, absolutely the most erotic, can talk you into anything, hot kisser
SAGITTARIUS: Spontaneous, hot, high sex appeal, truthful and honest, extremely generous and highly adventurous in bed, will kiss you like you’ve never been kissed
GEMINI: Great listener, love like no other, lover not a fighter unless you do someone they love wrong, then they will punch your lights out, protective, considerate, and generous lover

But Is It A Comedy, Drama, Or Horror?

Between 1913 and 1914, Sigmund Freud, Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Emperor Franz Joseph, Archduke Franz Ferdinand and Leon Trotsky lived in Vienna within 4km of each other.

Talk about sitcom idea!

Things I Am No Longer Interested In

I can’t wait to be this old

1. Driving at night
2. Driving in the winter
3. Getting on a scale
4. Arguing with idiots
5. Being “fashionable”
6. Going to the gym
7. Kale
8. Wearing clothes that don’t stretch.
9. Counting carbs
10. Caring about what other people think about me.

I’m So Glad They Weren’t Training To Be MD’s

The Professor started the class by telling them, “In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal’s body.” For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. “Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it…….followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting, etc.

When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, ‘ ‘The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.”

Things To Ponder

-What if my dog only brings the ball back because he thinks I like throwing it?
-If the poison expiration date is past does that mean it’s less or more poisonous?
-Which letter in “Scent” is silent…is the S or the C?
-Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
-Why is W pronounced “double U” instead of “double V”?
-What if oxygen is killing you & it just takes 75 to 100 years to work?
-Every time you clean, you make something else dirty.
-100 years ago, everyone had a horse, only the rich had a car. Today everyone has cars & only the rich have horses.
-If you replace the “W” with a ‘T’ in “What, Where & When”, you would have the answer to each one.
-If you rip a hole in a net, you have less holes than you started with.

You Need To Pay More Attention To Those Studies

A recent study found people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits.

And people who order a quad shot, non fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims.

I’m Gonna Guess That Your Both Lying

Can I Get The Gringo Salsa?

Who Sees Violet? That’s Purple

I Feel Sorry For Anyone Who Can Finnish This

This Ain’t Poison It’s Mosquito Cocaine!

What? She Said To Play Outside

I Wanna Be A Cat

Don’t Blame Me If You Have A Dirty Mind

YOU HAD SAND? HELL, WE HAD CONCRETE!!!

They Will All Live On In Our Memories