Ron Howard On The Tonight Show (1989)

The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly!

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You’re in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son’s finally maturing
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife’s not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She’s a lawyer

Good: The postman’s early
Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: You’re son is dating someone new
Bad: It’s another man
Ugly: He’s you’re best friend

Good: You’re wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Quotes About The Universe

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.
~ Douglas Adams ~

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
~ Bill Watterson ~

And on the eighth day God said, “Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!”
~ Funny Short Saying ~

There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened.
~ Douglas Adams ~

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
~ Oprah Winfrey ~

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of the players, (ie everybody), to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won’t tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
~ Terry Pratchett ~

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.
~ Douglas Adams ~

In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.
~ Edward P. Tryon ~

There is only one immutable law in life – in a gentleman’s toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.
~ Hugh Leonard ~

Automatic E-Mail Reply Messages

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the
position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you.

3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.
If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I
return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the
order it was received.

6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten
words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

8. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

9. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are
currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

10. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.

11. Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

12. Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any
messages.

13. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

14. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as “Loretta” instead of “Steve.”

This Is Want Happens When You Think Outside The Box

• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
• Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
• I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Automatic E-Mail Reply Messages

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the
position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you.

3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.
If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I
return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the
order it was received.

6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten
words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

8. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

9. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are
currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

10. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.

11. Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

12. Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any
messages.

13. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

14. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as “Loretta” instead of “Steve.”

Pregnancy Advice

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q. Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you’re doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you’re fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question, dork?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Bart Simpson Chalkboard Sayings

1. I will not waste chalk
2. I will not skateboard in the halls
3. I will not burp in class
4. I will not instigate revolution
5. I will not draw naked ladies in class
6. I did not see Elvis
7. I will not call my teacher ‘Hot Cakes’
8. Garlic gum is not funny
9. They are laughing at me, not with me
10. I will not yell “fire” in a crowded classroom
11. I will not encourage others to fly
12. I will not fake my way through life
13. Tar is not a plaything
14. I will not Xerox my butt
15. I will not trade pants with others
16. I will not do that thing with my tongue
17. I will not drive the principal’s car
18. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
19. I will not sell school property
20. I will not cut corners
21. I will not get very far with this attitude
22. I will not make flatulent noises in class
23. I will not belch the National Anthem
24. I will not sell land in Florida
25. I will not grease the monkey bars
26. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
27. I will not do anything bad ever again

Exercise Or Not To Exercise

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your
life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home
at $5,000 per month.
2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we
don’t know where the hell she is.
3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing
again.
4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.
6. I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them
further up our body.
7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.
11. I don’t jog – it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Children Books Not Recommended By The National Library Association

1. Bob the Germ’s Wonderous Journey Into and Back Out of Your Digestive System.
2. The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civillians.
3. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’s Games of Revenge.
4. Peter Rabbit’s Frisky Adventures.
5. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The ‘Hood’.
6. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidently Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.
7. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.
8. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.
9. The Tickling Babysitter
10. A Pictoral History of Circus Geek Suicides.
11. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.
12. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.
13. Babar Meets the Taxedermist and Becomes a Piano.
14. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.
15. David Duke’s World of Imagination.
16. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.
17. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.
18. Legends of Scab Football.
19. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina.
20. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer.
21. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can’t Remember the Endings to All of them.
22. Ed Beckley’s Start a Real-Estate Empire with the change from your Mom’s Purse.
23. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.
24. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will.
25. Let’s Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on.
26. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.
27. Dad’s New Wife Timothy
28. Pop! Goes The Hamster …And Other Great Microwave Games
29. Maybe Dick
30. The Boy Who Ate Spinach …And Lived To Tell About It
31. How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
32. Safe Sex And The Zip-Lock bag
33. Testing Home Made Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets
34. Egghead – And Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty
35. The Complete Set Of “Mother Got Goosed” Nursery Rhymes
36. Those Great Childhood Fragrances… Apple Pie, Cotton Candy And Bicycle Seats

Thoughts From Women

Thoughts From Women About Being A Woman

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow.
Janette Barber

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
Lily Tomlin

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
Carrie Snow

Old age ain’t no place for sissies.
Bette Davis

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.
Catherine Aird

A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t.
Rhonda Hansome

The phrase “working mother” is redundant.
Jane Sellman

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
Caryn Leschen

Whoever thought up the word “Mammogram”? Every time I hear it, I think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
Jan King

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
Jennifer Unlimited

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
Kathy Buckley

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
Gloria Steinem

They Finally Arrested Him For Selling Those Heart Attack Burgers

Redefining the Term Occupational Hazard

The Next Day There Was Piles Of The Stuff In Front Of His Front Door

Autobots Transform!

Stop Screaming Or I’ll Suffocate You Again

I Don’t Care If You Think It’s Cute! Get This Thing Off Me!!!

Looks Are Deceiving Aren’t The?

Well You Did Say…

I Always Thought Darth Vader Had More Morals Then That

Hey Anybody Could Have Made That Mistake