If the 10 Commandments Were Written Today

Donald Trump Dies In The Holy Land

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, ‘You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100.’

The American diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want The Donald shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, ‘Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?

The American diplomats replied, ‘Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can’t take the risk.

Bad Little Children’s Books

If you are easily offended just go to the next joke section.

1. Peeping Tommy Goes Cougar Hunting
2. Cousin Milky Is Lactose Intolerant
3. The Blind Child’s Picture Dictionary
4. Even Girls Fart
5. Reverend Eugene’s Poems About Sluts
6. Donald Trump And The Wig Of Evil
7. Green Eggs and Ham On Rye
8. The Adventures of Sally ‘n’ Sammy: A Good Place To Hide Body Parts
9. If You Give A Cyclops A Kitten
10. Dead Whales Can’t Wave Back (And The Japanese Are To Blame)
11. Daddy Hopes He Has Enough Rope In The Trunk
12. The Big Book of Drowning’s
13. Timmy Takes A Road Trip With “Officer” Sandusky
14. Flowers Are Very Pretty, But We’d Make More Money Growing Pot
15. The Five Alarm Fire In Captain Joes Pants
16. My First Little Boob Job
17. When Will You Die Of Cancer
18. Polly Paints A Penis
19. Baby’s First Toupee
20. Billy Is The Monsignor’s Favorite
21. Cool Shit You Can Make Out Of Felt, But You Can’t ‘Cuz You’re In Prison And They Won’t Let You Use Scissors
22. Mommy Needs To Go To Detox
23. The Little Cub Scout Quits
24. Skippy And The Stripper Pole
25. Fido Finds A Dildo
26. We Love Your Sister More
27. Let’s Hurry Or We’ll Miss The Public Lynching
28. Charlie Chokes His Chicken
29. Why Daddy’s Doin’ Time, Counting The Days Until He’s Back On The Streets
30. The Little Engine That Just Gave Up And Died

Tooth Fairy Form Letter

To:
From: Tooth Fairy
Subject: Lost Tooth Redemption

Dear :

Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children’s teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other:

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.

Sincerely,

The Tooth Fairy

Did You Ever Wonder?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”…but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Signs You Might Be Trailer Trash

• Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
• You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
• You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
• You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
• A tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvements.
• Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey y’all watch this.”
• You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.
• You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

Kids Sports

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him bad names. Do you understand all that?

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb as****le’ is it?”

Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”

Husbands

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.”

And they say blondes are dumb…
———————————————————–
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

“I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”

The woman replies, “I’ll miss you…”
———————————————————–
“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”

“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.
———————————————————–
He said – Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said – That’s a good idea… you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
———————————————————–
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
———————————————————–
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
———————————————————–
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.
———————————————————–
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
———————————————————–
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
———————————————————–
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals”
———————————————————–
A man and his wife, now in their 60′s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger…

Whoosh…immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

You Know You’re Middle Aged If…

You’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.

The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car…in the “ten items or less” lane.

You’ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.

You’ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.

You remember your kid’s names, just not always the right one.

You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.

Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.

You buy “age-defying” makeup and “anti-wrinkle” creams and believe they work.

You’ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.

You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.

As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.

You’ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic—“for the last time in a generation”

You’d pay good money to be strip-searched.

Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.

The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.

You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.

You know what Earth Shoes are.

You think if you hear “Stairway to Heaven” one more time your head will explode.

Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.

On Saturday night, when your wife mentions “hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,” you tell her you’ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.

Kids’ Thoughts!

I don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. –Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I’ve found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don’t have a sense of humor. –Age 14

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up. –Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. –Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. –Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with! –Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe “Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return?” or “Isn’t it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?” –Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them, right? –Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. –Age 15

New Scientific Element

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

How To Know Your Addicted To The Internet

I Just Pooped Myself, But Who Cares, I’m Going To Disney Land!

Proof That Brunets Can Be Just As Dumb As Blonds

Is That A Promis?

Don’t Worry We Have The Perfict Place To Hide You

So Mr. Big Boy Are You Ready To Use A Saddle Now?

Well As Long As We Got That Straight

Money Or Drugs That’s All I’m Saying

The Next Time You Say I Have A Great Idea For A Vacation I’m Going To Deck You!

That’s How I Want To Go Out!