Best Lines Of Gracie Allen

On The Subject Of Children

• Trying to dress an active little one is like trying to thread a sewing machine while it’s running.
• There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and their mother’s age.
• Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
• Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.
• An alarm clock is a device for waking people up who don’t have small kids.
• Shouting to make your kids obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results!
• Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

Don’t Try To Be Funny

A little girl complained to her father, “Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!”

Trying to be funny, her father joked, “But honey, you already have a sister!”

Confused, the toddler asked, “l do?”

“Sure,” her dad said, pulling the kid’s chain.

“You don’t see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!”

The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, “You mean just like my other daddy?”

Signs You’re Getting OLD…

• You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
• You can live without sex but not without glasses.
• You are proud of your lawn mower.
• You sing along with the elevator music.
• You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
• You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
• You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
• People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you ?”
• You have a dream about prunes.
• You send money to PBS.
• The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.
• You take a metal detector to the beach.
• You wear black socks with sandals.
• You know what the word “equity” means.
• You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
• Your ears are hairier than your head.
• You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.
• You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
• You got cable for the weather channel. (“Old Folks MTV”)
• You can go bowling without drinking.
• You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

Just Letting You Know

If you can make a woman laugh, you’re almost there.

If you’re almost there and then she laughs, that’s a different story.

The Zodiacs When Drunk

CAPRICORN Trying to keep it together until they vomit and get kicked out
AQUARIUS No one knows what they’re laughing at
PISCES Most likely to black out
ARIES Wakes up with bruises
TAURUS Left the bar early to go get food
GEMINI Has heart to heart with someone they just met
CANCER Initiating shots…crying somewhere 2 hrs later
LEO Flirting with everyone and posting way too many Instagram stories
VIRGO Never drunk enough, would rather be at home
LIBRA Disappears to go hook up with someone
SCORPIO Either plastered drunk or completely sober. Makes it their mission to get laid
SAGITTARIUS Never wants the night to end. “After party?!”

That Kids Going Places

Two weeks ago, I told kids at school to write an essay titled ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’

Everyone was writing, except a girl who leaned back with arms folded.

“What’s the matter,” I asked. “Why aren’t you writing?”

“I’m waiting for my secretary,” she replied.

Scored her 10/10.

Ways To Annoy Your Bathroom Stall-Mate

1. Stick your open palm under the stall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
2. Say, “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh shit! My glass eye!”
6. Say, “Damn, this water is cold.”
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place, then and sigh loudly.
8. Say, “Now how did that get there?”
9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!”
11. Say, “Interesting, more sinkers than floaters.”
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall. Then say, “Whoops. Could you kick that back over here, please?”
13. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!”
14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.”
15. Say, “Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
16. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor, making it visible to the occupant of the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free.”

The Job Applicant

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

“I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job.”

“Yes,” says the man.

“Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.”

“Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application. “At least I’m not a quitter.”

You’ve Been In Corporate America Too Long When….

1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant’s core competencies are.
2. You decide to re-org your family into a “team-based organization.”
3. You refer to dating as test marketing.
4. You can spell “paradigm.”
5. You actually know what a paradigm is.
6. You understand your airline’s fare structure.
7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
8. Your Valentine’s Day cards have bullet points.
9. You think that it’s actually efficient to write a ten page presentation with six other people you don’t know.
10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.
11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just “issues” and “improvement opportunities”.
12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
13. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as “highly leveraged” as opposed to “in debt”.
14. You end every argument by saying “let’s talk about this off-line”.
15. You can explain to somebody the difference between “re-engineering”, “down-sizing”, “right-sizing”, and “firing people’s asses”.
16. You actually believe your explanation in number 15.
17. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
18. You refer to your previous life as “my sunk cost.”
19. You refer to your significant other as “my co-CEO.”
20. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
21. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert’s boss.
22. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
23. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.
24. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.
25. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.
26. Your “deliverable” for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.
27. You use the term “value-added” without falling down laughing.
28. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection.
29. You give constructive feedback to your dog.

What NOT To Say…

A guy wakes up in hospital with severe head injuries and the nurse asks, what happened to you?

Well, he says, I was playing golf yesterday with my wife and we teed off at the 2nd hole. I hit a beautiful drive 280 yards down the middle of the fairway.

My wife teed off and she sliced the ball into a field full of cows. We searched for several minutes and then I lifted up the tail of one of the cows and spotted the ball lodged up its ass.

All I said was “this looks like yours dear” and that’s the last thing I remember.

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