World Class Apologists

Things Overheard During Back-to-School Week

“No, you have it backwards. It’s the librarian for weed and the janitor for meth.”

“Mom packed me a healthy lunch again. Does anybody want to trade a vape for some quinoa?”

“Why are the geeks getting all the girls nowadays?”

“When the seniors shove me into my new locker this year, it’s a little bigger and it smells better.”

“True, the other moms are taking ‘first day of school’ photos, but you’re a Ph.D. student, for Christ’s sake.”

“The principal just sued the school newspaper, tariffed the exchange students, and named the gym after himself. Finally, some leadership!”

“I know it’s expensive, Mom, but all the kids are wearing the Prada bullet-proof vest this year.”

“If you can write your paper with an AI, I can grade it with an F.”

“It was amazing. My mom talked to Mr. Manning in private for twenty minutes and I didn’t get in trouble.”

“Make sure you have your house key, sweetie. Mommy’s hitting the liquor store on the way home and won’t hear you knock.”

Rat Vs Food

It was a practical session in the psychology class. The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it:

The rat was in the middle of the cage.

Then, the professor put a piece of cake on one side and put a female rat on the other side.

The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.

Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread. The male rat again ran towards the bread.

This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time and, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.

Professor asked the students. “This experiment shows that food is the greatest attraction, do you agree?”

Then, one of the students from the back rows said. “Sir, why don’t you change the female rat? This one might be his wife!”

The professor stood straight up, his finger pointing towards the student and said, “You just got an A.”

Games For The Elderly

1. Sag, You’re it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners.

Sinned

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional booth.

After a few minutes a woman comes in and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

The priest asks “What did you do?”.

The woman says “I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times?”

Woman: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.

He says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What did you do?”

Man: “I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times?”

Man: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Rabbi: “What did you do?”

Woman: “I committed adultery.”

Rabbi: “How many times?”

Woman: “Once.”

Rabbi: “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”

How To Be Annoying

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”

Drum on every available surface.

Sing the Batman theme constantly.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 1-800 operators for their home phone number. If they don’t give it to you ask why they are calling YOU at home.

Sew department store anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.

Check out a mystery novel from the library and write the surprise ending on its first page.

Set the demonstration model alarms clocks in the department store for random times.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

At the laundry mat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

What Do You Have?

Kevin walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Kevin said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, ‘Shingles’ So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’

The doctor asked, ‘Where?’

Kevin said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ‘em?

Polite Insults

“You look so much smarter than you are!”
“I love how you don’t let facts influence your opinion”
“You have such a unique way of misunderstanding things”
“Wisdom is chasing you but God blessed you with speed”
“You light up every room you leave”
“It’s very hard to underestimate you”
“I’m so glad your pretty”
“I love your simplicity when it comes to critical thinking”
“You carry yourself with the confidence of a much taller man”
“Your mom must be so proud of your siblings”
“What sport do you think you’d play if you were athletic?”
“You look like you were painted by Picasso”
“Have the day you deserve”
“You’re a walking reminder that thinking is optional”
“I love that you know so much and so little at the same time”
“You have so many talents that no one would think of wanting”
“I want to be like you; no one has expectations of you.”

What To Wear

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper.”

Then he asked his lawyer the same question but got the opposite advice: “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution to the dilemma.

“Let me tell you a story,” replied the rabbi. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: ‘Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.’”

The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?”

“No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed,” replied the rabbi.

Reasons To Drink

Like you need them!

1. If you don’t drink that booze, by God, someone else will.
2. The brewing industry alone employs 1.7 million people and that’s a lot of mouths to feed.
3. Bad ass nicknames like “Chuggybear,” “The Alabama Hamma,” “Pukey McPukerson” are not awarded to people who stay home to do laundry.
4. Your favorite bar stool needs just one more sitting to break it in.
5. This is the one and only night your soul mate will wander into the bar. Seriously.
6. Word on the street is the booze has been trash talking you all day.
7. Without your brilliant wit and charm all those poor bartenders will be so dreadfully bored.
8. Dude, after what you did last time, you gotta go back out there and explain yourself.
9. It’s far better to have a good time you won’t remember than a dull one you will.
10. You can bet something really important and worthy of celebration happened on this day at sometime or another.
11. How the hell can you walk around sober when you’re an insignificant speck in an infinite and uncaring universe?
12. If you don’t you’ll wake up in the morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed, and who the hell wants to go through life acting like a damn squirrel?
13. Your friends can’t have a good time without you.
14. Your friends might have a good time without you.
15. Your lawn is so much more comfortable when you’re loaded.
16. You’re much less likely to remember doing all that embarrassing stuff.

Which Is Worse

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so, I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally, I thought about an age-old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

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