W.C. Fields – The Diner Sketch

A Few Laughs From The Famous

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”
– Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
– Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
– George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
– Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
– Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
– Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
– Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
– Rodney Dangerfield

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
– Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires… but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
– Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
– Joe Namath

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
– Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
– W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
– Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation, as you grow older, it will avoid you.
– Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
– Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
– Billy Crystal

Did You Know!?

A new study has revealed that a woman’s preference for male facial features can change with her menstrual cycle. For example, when she is ovulating she tends to be attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, during menstruation or menopause, she might prefer a man with duct tape over his mouth, a spear lodged in his chest, and engulfed in flames.

Further studies on this subject are unlikely.

Dog Rules For Humans

l. Don’t come home smelling of other dogs.
2. You must feed me every goodie you eat.
3. Don’t call me or lead me to a bath.
4. Let me outside even though I just came in, there was an area I forgot to sniff.
5. I can sleep anywhere I choose even if it means you trip over me.
6. Don’t shhhh me from barking while you are on the phone, I heard the wind blowing the leaves.
7. Don’t move me while sleeping sideways in the middle of the bed, you have enough room on the edge.
8. Don’t think you can leave a room without me.
9. If it lands on the floor it’s MINE!
10. You will never pee alone again

Hey, There Your Rules

Once, I was fired effective immediately.

We do the exit interview with HR and she asks me to send over any documents I had in regards to our next event.

Cue malicious compliance.

I said: “As per my NDA, I am not to discuss intimate details or share documents relating to this position with any employer- past or future. Since this firing was effective immediately, you are now a former employer.”

HR hemmed and hawed. They called Legal and Legal pointed out that I was technically correct. They were a former employer and I was bound by my NDA.

Needless to say, the event was a disaster. Over half the speakers pulled out once communication broke down.

Things You Say After 50

1. Where the hell is my phone?
2. How did I get this bruise?
3. That isn’t my password either? WTF!?
4. How do they expect you to read this small print?
5. Where did I put my glasses?
6. I don’t care if it doesn’t look fashionable, it’s comfortable!
7. Who the heck is calling at 9:30pm??
8. Does anyone say please and thank you anymore?
9. Geez, how do you throw your body out of whack just sleeping wrong?? WTF?
10. This scale can’t be right!!
11. WTF is wrong with people nowadays??
12. Why did I come into this room?

I Can Relate…Unfortunately

I watched a dude carry a screaming toddler across the parking lot. he noticed me looking at him and said, “he’s mine, I’m not stealing him” and then before i could reply he added “if I was gonna take one, it definitely wouldn’t be this asshole”

What’s Your Major

At some point during your professional career, you may be called upon to hire someone. When they are straight out of college, it’s difficult to determine how they think. Hopefully this list will give you some insight and help you hire the right mind.

The Philosophy graduate asks: “Why does it work?”

The Engineering graduate asks: “How does it work?”

The Marketing graduate asks: “Who will buy it?”

The Communications graduate asks: “What can I write about it?”

The Accounting graduate asks: “How much will it cost?”

The Industrial Management graduate asks: “How can we make it?”

The Human Resources graduate asks: “Who will make it?”

The Liberal Arts graduate asks: “Do you want fries with that?”

The Urine Sample

One time I got sick and landed in hospital. There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
“And how are we doing this morning?”
Or
“Are we ready for a bath?”
Or
“Are we hungry?”

I had had enough of this particular nurse. One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand. Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said, “My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, “Well, I’ll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!”

The nurse fainted…

I just smiled.

DON’T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE

You Might Be A Schoolteacher If…

• You have no time for a life from August to June.
• You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!”
• When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
• You refer to adults as “boys and girls.”
• You encourage your spouse by telling them they are a “good helper.”
• You’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.
• Meeting a child’s parents instantly answers the question, “Why is this kid like this?”
• You believe “extremely annoying” should have its own box on the report card.
• You know hundred good reasons for being late.
• You don’t want children of your own because there isn’t a name you can hear that wouldn’t elevate your blood pressure.

Well At Least She’s Not Lying To Her Kid

A 10 year old girl asks her mum, “Mummy, how was I born?”

The mother smiled and replied, “Once upon a time, me and your daddy decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put
it in the Earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and
in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.

So, we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we forgot to wear a condom.

Instant Karma

Just So You Know When To Get Your Fat Ass Back To The Gym

DAMN!!! Alright Guys, Put Away The ICBM

These Shipping Fees Are Getting Way Out Of Hand

If You Really Need This Book Your Too Stupid To Be A Parent

Well That Explains That Shirt

Only Sold-Wanted In Iowa

That Explains A Lot

Better Get Used To It Now Kid

Awkward Merit Badges