The Comedy About Spies – Royal Variety Performance

A Lot Of This Goes For Me Too

“You seem stressed. Have a French fry. You’ll feel better.” – Alex, 3 years old
“I appreciate my teachers for teaching me words that help me argue with my parents.” – anonymous, 7 years old
“Eat your veggies, they’ll make you strong!” “I’m ok with just being pretty.” – Nora, 3 years old
“I don’t want to do work. I’m tired and you’re not respecting my tired.” – anonymous, 5 years old
“I know how babies are made; what I don’t know Is why.” – Henry, 6 years old
“Cheese makes me feel better when I’m having a big emotions day.” – Magnus, 4 years old
“AIII want for breakfast is some extra time to sleep.” – Luke, 7 years old
“I feel bad because I hurt your feelings by accident and now my feelings are hurt and I don’t know how to fix my feelings.”
– Megan, 8 years old
“I don’t want to go to school today. I already know 12 letters and I’ll leave some for the other children.” – Fiona, 4 years
old
“I’m not really a football guy. I’m more of a snack guy.” – John, 5 years old
“You know what would make me feel better? Maybe a taco, a cheese stick, and some snuggles.” – anonymous, 4 years old
On FaceTime: “Auntie, don’t call unless I can see your dog.” – Clara, 3 years old
“It’s not my birthday, but I need cake.” – Westen, 3 years old
“I know daddy said no snacks for me tonight, but this is ice cream. It’s not my snack. It’s just my 2nd dinner.” – Josephine, 4 years old
“I’m sad today. I miss all the dogs I’ve ever met…and the ones I haven’t.” – Emily, 4 years old
“I don’t like anything… Except food. And people who like food.” – Gus, 6 years old
“I wish I could just go to a hotel for 15 days and not talk to anyone.” – Harris, 6 years old
“I don’t like to be the leader, because that’s hard work… but I also don’t like it when people tell me what to do.” – Elliott, 6 years old
“Even though a lot of good things happened, this was still a bad day.” Why “Because of all my FEEIINGS.” – Thea, 7 years old
“A burp is a memory of what I ate.” – Anonymous, 7 years old
“I love you so much, but I have a headache from you so give me a hug then please go away.” – Carson, 4 years old
“I just have SO much talking in me.” – Charlotte, 4 years old
“I am hungry forever, so I’m probably gonna want a bite of that.” – Nolan, 4 years old
“I’m just a head today. No brain.” – anonymous, 6 years old
“I love you just the way you are. I just wish you were a sea otter.” – Darius, 3 years old

Good Question

Guns don’t kill people
Dads with pretty daughters do

So, what do dads of ugly daughters do?

Ask your Dad.

Do You Ever Look At All Your Kids And Think…

That one will be dropping me curbside at the nursing home.
That one will be paying for it.
That one will visit me the most.
And that one? He’ll be sneaking in the good tequila and Twinkies.

He Couldn’t Have Been The First Asshole In Hell To Think Of That

Satan is pleased: “Welcome to Hell, you’ve wasted your pitiful life”.

Me: “Yeah, well, at least I’m not an adult living in my Father’s basement”.

Satan fighting back tears: “Fuck you, prick”.

How We See Sex

Women see sex like buying a car:
Can I see myself with this long term?
Is it safe?
Is it reliable?
Can it kill me?

Men see sex like parking a car:
There’s a spot
There’s another spot
Oh I have to pay? Never mind
Handicapped? I hope no one sees this

I’m Just Going To Go Back To Reading Books

Sorry, but your password must contain:
At least 8 characters
Upper and lower case letters
A symbol or number
A hieroglyph
A haiku
A musical note
A urine sample
The feather of a hawk
And a drop of unicorn blood

I Am Old And I Just Realized I Still Have So Many Unanswered Questions!!!!

I never found out who let the Dogs Out…
Where’s the beef…
How to get to Sesame Street…
Why Dora doesn’t just use Google Maps…
Why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that’s tough as nails…
Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed…
Why “abbreviated” is such a long word…
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons…
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections…
And, why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts” where’s that extra penny going to…
Why do “The Alphabet Song” and “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” have the same tune…
Why did you just try to sing those two previous songs…
And just what is Victoria’s secret?

Some People Have No Sense Of Humor

[my first day in a drug cartel]

kingpin: where’s the coke

me: is Pepsi ok? hehe

[later]

police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

Best WiFi Names Ever

‘Wedonthavewifi.’ Password was ‘idontknow.’
‘Mom, click here for internet’
‘disconnected’
‘It burns when IP’
‘Pretty Fly for a Wi-Fi’
‘IsThisTheKrustyKrab’ Password was ‘nothisispatrick’
‘loading…’
‘Tell My WiFi Love Her’
‘Bill Wi the Science Fi’
‘Silence of the LAN’
‘New England Clam Router’
‘YoukidsgetoffmyLAN’
‘Router dont even know her’
‘FBI Surveillance Van #2′
‘TV Detector Van’
‘Malware’
‘It’s My Wifi’ Password ‘CryIfIWantTo’
‘I SIT 2P’
‘WuTangLAN’
‘TingTang WallaWalla Bing Bang’
‘Some Ting Wong’
‘legitimate_businessmans_social_ club’
‘TellMyWIFIloveher’
‘NSASurveillanceNode7′
‘Weak Signal’
‘WasTakeMyWiFiPlease’
‘Skynet’
‘Attention! Virus Detected’
‘I can hear you having sex’
‘Yes-Dungeon-Master’
‘Top Secret 5G’
‘Two girls, one router’
‘ShawshankPrisonLibrary’
‘TROJAN VIRUS EXE’

Weekly Overload Recreational Killer

A highly dangerous virus called “Weekly Overload Recreational Killer” (WORK) is currently going around. If you come in contact with this WORK virus, you should immediately go to the nearest “Biological Anxiety Relief” (BAR) center to take antidotes known as “Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract” (WINE), “Radioactive UnWORK Medicine” (RUM), Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter”(BEER) or “Vaccine Official Depression Killing Antigen”(VODKA).

Please help us raise awareness!!!

Were So Proud

But C’mon, The Kids Love It

It’s Nice To Have A Family That Supports You

Sometimes I Miss The Old Days

Well How Else Is She Supposed To Pay For It?

This Kids Going Places…Not The Gym, But Other Places

It’s Two Things In One!

Don’t Mess With Brenda

Can You Just Tell Us What You Want?

COVID Hell! You Wouldn’t Believe The Smells On The Subway!