Sunrise Semester With Moe Green – SCTV

Form Completion

I love to fill out stupid questions on forms with equally stupid answers.
Thought I’d share a few with you:

Form: Length of Residence:
My Answer: 62 Feet

Form: Are you a leader or a follower?
My Answer: A leader, but w/o many followers

Form: Reason for requesting employment
My Answer: To earn Money

Form: Pet Aversions
My Answer: None, I love animals

Form: Beneficiary
My Answer: Wife

Form: Relationship
My Answer: Strained

Form: Purpose of withdrawal
My Answer: Get money to spend

Form: Person to notify in Case of Accident
My Answer: Anyone in sight

Form: Number of passengers in vehicle during accident
My Answer: Three

Form: Disposition of passengers
My Answer: Mad as Hell!

Form: Number of employees in your office, broken down by sex
My Answer: None that I know of; Liquor a much larger problem

2 Arabs And A Rabbi

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London.

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I need to get up and get a coke.”

“Don’t get up, said the rabbi, I’m in the aisle seat, I’ll get it for you.”

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi`s shoe and spat in it. When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I’d really like one, too.”

Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it.

When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors:

“Why does it have to be this way?”

“How long must this go on?”

“This fighting between our nations?”

“This hatred?”

“This animosity?”

“This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”

Deep Thoughts

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in mouth.

Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. Its rolled back, and it went limp.

I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake with more frogs.

Life is good.

He Said, She Said

He said “Shall we try swapping positions tonight?”
She said “That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!”

He said “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?”
She said “Turn sideways and look in the mirror!”

He said “How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?”
She said “We don’t know, it has never happened.”

He said “Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
She said “They already have boyfriends.”

He said “What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?”
She said “A widow.”

He said “Why are married women heavier than single women?”
She said “Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.”

Loving Parents

Ever since you were born, it’s almost like you’ve been a son to us. It seems like yesterday we brought you home from the hospital. At least now you’re housebroken and can eat solid foods. As you’ve grown older your fascination with puns has grown, and our love for you has dwindled. Although you may not be number one, you are at least in our top four children. By the time you read this, your stuff will be packed in bags out front so time to load’ up and become someone else’s problem.

Love Mom and Dad
P.S. We’re moving so don’t try to find us.

How To Speak Southern

How To Speak Southern
Hah Tu Spek Suthun)
——————————-

BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.”

MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts.”

IGNERT – adjective. Not smart. See “Auburn Alumni.”
Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH – noun. A tool.
Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh doesn’t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”

BAHS – noun. A supervisor.
Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!”

TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn’t
git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE – noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willing and the creeks don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

HOT – noun. A blood-pumping organ.
Usage: “I think I’m having a hot attack!”

HOD – adverb. Not easy.
Usage: “A broken hot is hod to fix.”

RETARD – Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My granpaw retard at age 65.”

TARRED – adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: “I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.”

RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.”

LOT – adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: “I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair.”

FARN – adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”

DID – adjective. Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: “He can’t breathe … give ‘em some ear!”

BOB WAR – noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JU-HERE – a question.
Usage: “Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys’ coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?”

HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert.”

SEED – verb, past tense.
Usage: “Ya’ll seed Jimmy Johnson?”

VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”

HEAVY DEW – phrase. A request for action.
Usage: “Kin I heavy dew me a favor?”

GUMMIT – Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdown!”

Never Take Your Mother-In-Law Hunting

A hunter planned a relaxing safari vacation with his wife. To his disappointment, his mother-in-law came along, complaining every step of the way.

One night, deep in the jungle, the husband and wife woke up to find the mother-in-law missing from her tent. Panicked, they rushed outside into the moonlight to search for her.

Before long, they stumbled upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was standing in a small clearing, backed up against a tree, facing down a huge, wild lion that was growling fiercely.

The wife grabbed her husband’s arm, terrified, and screamed, “Oh no! What are we going to do? That lion is going to attack her!”

The husband calmly put his hand on her shoulder, shook his head, and said:

“Listen, honey… that lion got himself into this mess, he can figure his own way out!”

Top Signs You Have A Drinking Problem

1. Beer: it’s not just for breakfast anymore.
2. The glass keeps missing your mouth.
3. When you feel that beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
4. When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
5. Vampires get woozy after biting you.
6. The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
7. At AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
8. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
9. When vomiting becomes a relief.
10. Having a hard time staying on the side walk – left, right, stumble, fall
11. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
12. Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
13. You think, Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
14. Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more attractive.
15. Hi ocifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.
16. Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
17. No ocifer, I’m not drunk… you’re just sober…
18. Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down….No Problem
19. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
20. Take me drunk, I’m home!

Where Are They From

A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Englishman looks and says: “They look so calm and serene… they must be British!”

The Frenchman replies: “No, no! They’re naked, and so, so beautiful… they must be French!”

The Russian says: “They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise? … They’re clearly Russian!”

If You Think This Is Cool You Won’t Need It

The Perfect Time To Throw A Party!

What Ever Time You Want To Come In I’m Probably Not Here Anyway

Because Theirs Nothing A Three Year Old Likes Playing With More Then Poo

At Some Point You Have To Admit That It’s Time To Retire

Don’t You Hate It When Humans Do That?

Yep, There Everywhere Now

Somehow I Just Don’t Think She’s Going To Fall For It

That’s Just Mean . . . Funny, But Mean

At Least They Did It Classy Way Back Then