Elmo and Ricky Gervais Blooper Reel

The Higgs Boson Explained

Yes they found it this week!

1. He does not have a BEER GUT – He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER – He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME – he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING – He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER – He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK – He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG – He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not AFRAID OF COMMITMENT – He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

Did You Ever Wonder?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”…but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Gentlemen Quiz

Want to know if you’re, or someone you know is a gentleman?

1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexu@l relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your org@sm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don’t miss Sports Center

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem – she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) “I hope we can still be friends.”
b) “I’m not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone….”
c) “Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.”

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you m@sturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered ‘A’ more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered ‘B’ more than 7 times, check into therapy, you’re still a little confused.
If you answered ‘C’ more than 7 times, call me up. Let’s go drinking.

Money

Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. – J. Paul Getty

A man explained inflation to his wife thus: ‘When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you’re 42-42-42. There’s more of you, but you are not worth as much.’ – Lord Barnett

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be. – Rita Rudner

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. – Dorothy Parker

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. – Errol Flynn

Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Buy Someone’s Used Sofa

The owner says:

1. “That stain was the best fifty bucks I ever made.”
2. “Have you had your shots?”
3. “If you find any fingers in there, pack ‘em in ice and give us a call.”
4. “It’s almost dry, but you may need to wring the cushions out.”
5. “It was a present to my Great Aunt Erma after her bladder surgery.”
6. “It fell off a truck. At least, I figure it did, since we found it by the highway.”
7. “You can have those Fritos.”
8. “I once spent ten days tied to this couch.”
9. “It’s non-flammable, unless you really try.”
10. “It should be clean, we hosed it off.”
11. “Watch that spring, it gave me some nasty scars.”
12. “It can even float for nearly an hour.”
13. “You like the smell of beer, don’t you?”
14. “It’s not supposed to fold out, but it will if you push hard enough.”
15. “I guess olive and orange were popular colors back then.”
16. “It used to be a lot longer.”
17. “You’ll need the brick to keep it level, unless you’ve got a saw.”
18. “Good Will wouldn’t take it.”
19. “Don’t smoke near it.”
20. “You can hardly tell where they hurled.”
21. “The fire hardly touched this side.”
22. “It only smells this way when it’s humid.”

The Perfect Day…

According to HIM
10:00am Wake up
10:02am Oral sex
10:15am Big breakfast
11:30am Drive up the coast in Ferrari with gorgeous blonde with big jugs
2:15pm Enormous lunch
3:00pm Oral sex
3:15pm Play sports with the guys
4:00pm Drink beer with guys
6:00pm Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:10pm Oral sex
6:25pm Huge dinner, more beer
11:00pm Full on, get down, gorilla sex

According to HER
8:45am Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00am 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30am Light breakfast
11:00am Sunbathe
12:00pm Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:30pm Shopping
2:30pm Run into boyfriends ex, notice she’s gained 30 pounds
3:00pm Facial massage and nap
7:30pm Candle light dinner for two and dancing
10:00pm Make love
11:00pm Pillow talk in his big strong arms

Shortest Books Ever Written

1. A Guide to Arab Democracies
2. A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3. Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4. Career Opportunities for History Majors
5. Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6. Detroit – A Travel Guide
7. Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
8. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
9. Easy UNIX
10. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
11. Everything Men Know About Women
12. French Hospitality
13. Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15. Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
16. Mormon Divorce Lawyers
17. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
18. Popular Lawyers
19. Steeple Your Way to Success
20. Tasty Bile Recipes
21. The Amish Phone Book
22. Successful Methods of Training Cats
23. The Wit and Wisdom of J. Danforth Quayle
24. Famous Republican Philanthropists
25. Evidence of America’s Christian Heritage
26. My Life in Baseball – by Michael Jordan
27. Ethics in Politics by Richard M. Nixon
28. The Cultural Guide to Des Moines
29. The Complete Cookbook of Toast
30. Famous Eskimo Surfers

Pregnancy Questions

1. Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

2. Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

3. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

4. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

5. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

6. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: Cause you’re fatter than they are.

7. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline
irrational
A: So what’s your question?

8. Q: What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him).

9. Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

10. Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure.
Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

11. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

12. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

13. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy

14. Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

15. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

16. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

What Advertising Terms Really Mean

NEW – Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW – Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE – Imported product.

UNMATCHED – Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION – No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN – The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.

IT’S HERE AT LAST – Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED – Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY – Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC – No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED – Previous flaws fixed – we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY – Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT – We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH – We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE – Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS – Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE – Heavy as hell.

LESS FATTENING – Now doesn’t have the same fat content as pig stomach lining.

HIGH RELIABILITY – We made it work long enough to ship it.

NON-REFUNDABLE – We couldn’t make it work long enough to ship it.

FAT FREE – You pay for the food, but the fat is free.

Must Eat Brains!

I Take It She Didn’t Like Him Very Much

Well, Thank Goodness!!! Up Until Now, Only 36% Of Women Have Been Able To Find This!

Why Passwords Aren’t Just For Work Anymore

Against What? An Invasion From Outer Space?

Give Her A Break She’s Learning

Mouse Pad Warmer…And Get Your Hands Out Of My Pants!!!

I Guess They Don’t Have O.S.H.A. In China

Now I Remember Why Clowns Always Scared Me