Stormtrooper Vlog On Hoth But They Didn’t Bring A Jacket

Classified Classics

* A superb and economical restaurant. Fine food, expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
* No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
* Sale! Sale! An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
* We don’t tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
* Great chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
* Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
* Dinner Special – Turkey $2.75; Chicken or Beef $2.50; Children $2.00.
* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

A Cab Ride

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver slowly answered, “Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn’t staring at you like you tink. Dat vould not be proper.”

The woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?”

He paused a moment, then told her, “Vell….. M’am, I am looking, and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?”

Quotes From Bob Hope

You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

I’m so old they’ve cancelled my blood type.

I thought ‘Deep Throat’ was a movie about a giraffe.

I do benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer to my money.

If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor’s Orphanage – he shot both his parents and moved in.

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap.

I must say the Senator’s victory in Wisconsin was a triumph for democracy. It proves that a millionaire has just as good a chance as anyone else.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I’ll do it.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar – I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.

Last Requests

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.

He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”

She says, “That he did, Father.”

The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”

She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun.’”

Reasons It’s Great To Be A Guy:

- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Old friends don’t give a crap whether you’ve lost or gained weight.
- Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.
- When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
- You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
- Your last name stays put.
- You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
- None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
- Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
- Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
- You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking “He must be mad at me”.
- You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.
- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
- You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind your back.
- The remote control is yours and yours alone.
- People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
- If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your other friends you’ve changed.
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

Not That Smart

Husband: “Honey, where did you put the sugar? I want to make some coffee.”

Wife: “In the kitchen… Inside the jar labeled SALT.”

Husband: “Huh? Why would the sugar jar be labeled salt?”

Wife: “So the ants won’t find out.

The husband nodded. “Oh…that’s actually pretty smart.”

The wife smiled and added: “Just like on your phone…. why is Sophia saved as Michael?”

The Life Cycle Of Software

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. See 3.
6. See 4.
7. See 5.
8. See 6.
9. See 7.
10. See 8.
11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
12. Users find 137 new bugs.
13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
19. See step 2

The Conscientious Ransomer

I got attacked by ransomware and was asked for money…

I sent them my pay stub…

Not only did they immediately remove the malware from my system, but they also put some money into my account.

The Top Signs You’re In A Bad Nursing Home

• Its named Heaven’s Waiting Room.
• Cheap TV antenna can’t pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.
• Defibrillator doubles as a remote control.
• Its named Matlock Manor.
• No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.
• Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.
• You can’t ring a nurse but you can page the attorney’s office down the hall.
• Rectal thermometers made of wood.
• Two words: Community Bedpan.

Watch Out For Those Holes

I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls.
Nobody cleans those holes.
There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there.
Taco fingers.
Chicken fingers.
I’m amazed those balls still have holes.
Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins?
You’re wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.

Back When He Was Middle Age

Good Decision!

That’s It Grandma, Teach Him How To Fail Early

I Gota Try That

Of Course Were Not Here For The Money

Really, You Couldn’t Have Just Texted Me That?

Why Do You Need My License And Registration?

I Told You To Go To McDonald’s

Some People Are Just Evil

Well Who Did You Think Was In There. He Was Finally Able To Say The Shit He Always Wanted To So They Had To Beep Out Every Word