‘Jersey Shore’ The Movie

Bumper Stickers

1. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
2. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
3. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. You! Off my planet!
8. I like cats, too. Let’s exchange recipes.
9. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
10. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
11. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed it.
12. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
13. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
14. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
16. Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!
17. Adults are just kids who owe money.
18. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
21. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.
22. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
23. Earth is full. Go home.
24. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
25. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
26. I majored in liberal arts. Do you want fries with that?
27. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
28. I’ve seen better looking butts in an ash tray.

Age advice

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 68.
I’m so happy, because I live at number 72.
So it’s not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it’s on the same side of the street…
I don’t even have to cross the road!

Answering machine message,
“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re too old to go anywhere.

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

New Barbie Dolls

1. BOBBIT BARBIE (with knife, Ken had better watch out)
2. BARBIE BROWN SIMPSON (slashed neck and bloody body, carton of Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough included)
3. DIVORCED BARBIE (comes with all of Ken’s accessories)
4. TEENAGE SINGLE PARENT BARBIE (“welfare check” from Mattel mailed each month)
5. CRACK ADDICT BARBIE (pipe included, sugar may be used to simulate crack cocaine)
6. BOULEVARD BARBIE (with cheap makeup, short skirt, and high heels)
7. LESBIAN BARBIE (Barbie with a butch)
8. LIPSTICK LESBIAN BARBIE (actually no different in appearance from regular Barbie)
9. ANOREXIA BARBIE (no different in appearance from regular Barbie)
10. BRUNETTE BARBIE (the only Barbie with a brain)
11. QUANTUM PHYSICIST BARBIE (yeah, right)
12. BOW-WOW BARBIE (the ugliest Barbie you’ve ever seen)
13. PUNK BARBIE (has rings in all sorts of strange places)
14. NAVY PILOT BARBIE (comes with a body bag, wrecked fighter jet sold separately)
15. BREAST IMPLANT BARBIE (now Barbi’s a DDDD-cup)
16. CANCER PATIENT BARBIE (remove the wig and Barbi’s bald)
17. BLACK BARBIE (once your Ken doll goes black, he’ll never go back)
18. FEMINIST BARBIE (has unshaven legs and armpits)
19. BATTERED WIFE BARBIE (comes with a restraining order to serve to Ken)

Ground Crew Humor

After every flight, commercial pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget

The Top 16 Ways To Annoy A Supermodel

16. Repeatedly ask, “What was your last name again?”

15. Ask her if she’s going to finish that lettuce leaf.

14. Every week, adjust her scale to add an additional pound or two (Wait — that’s the way to “kill” a supermodel).

13. Consistently baffle her with multisyllabic words and compound sentences.

12. Force her to share a runway with a 747.

11. Whoopie Cushion Shoulder Pads.

10. Taunt her with the Pythagorean Theorem and a slice of pizza.

9. Follow her everywhere, mumbling, “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.”

8. Make her wear that loose-fitting size 2 outfit.

7. Secretly replace her methamphetamines with new “Folgers Crystals Methamphetamines.”

6. Move fashion meccas from New York, Paris, and Milan to Newark, Vladivostok, and Anchorage.

5. Constantly demand a display of her superhuman powers.

4. Tell her that global-warming will eventually lead to the erosion of collagen.

3. Before fixing dinner, ask her if she’d rather throw-up meatloaf or throw-up spaghetti.

2. Keep asking, “Are you the one who’s married to Billy Joel?”

1. Two words: CK wedgies.

Squirrels

The Presbyterian Church
The Baptist Church
The Methodist Church
The Catholic Church
The Jewish Synagogue
Each building was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution.
They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven’t seen a squirrel on the property since.

New Words

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent
for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

Yet More Things Not To Say During Sex

1. What tampon?
2. Have you ever considered liposuction?
3. And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!
4. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
5. I have a confession…
6. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home.
7. Are those real or are they supposed to feel all hard and lumpy like that?
8. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
9. Is that a hanging sculpture?
10. You’ll still vote for me, won’t you?
11. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
12. I really hate women who actually think sex means nothing!
13. Did you come yet, dear?
14. I’ll tell you who I’m fantasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about…
15. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time.
16. Does this count as a date?
17. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you.
18. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
19. I think biting is romantic – don’t you?
20. Q: you can cook, too right?
21. When would you like to meet my parents?
22. A: (whaddaya think I’m doin’?)
23. Man: maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like…
Woman: yourself?
24. Have you seen “fatal attraction”?
25. Sorry about the name tags, I’m not to good with names.
26. Don’t mind me. I always file my nails in bed.
27. Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? (in a phone booth)
28. I hope I didn’t forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
29. Don’t worry, my dog’s really friendly for a Doberman.
30. Sorry but I don’t do toes.
31. Hey, when is it going to be my friends turn?
32. Long kisses clog my sinuses.
33. Pleases understand that I’m only doing this for a raise.
34. How long do plan to be “almost there”?
35. You mean you’re not my blind date?

Ten Classic Resume Bloopers

Know them, so You Won’t Make Them

1. “Revolved customer problems and inquiries.”
Just what every employer is looking for — an expert in passing the buck.

2. “Consistently tanked as top sales producer for new accounts.”
Sales managers aren’t likely to be impressed with this self-proclaimed underachiever.

3. “Dramatically increased exiting account base, achieving new company record.”
If customer accounts were leaving in droves as this statement implies, it’s probably fair to assume that this candidate also tanked as a top sales producer.

4. “Planned new corporate facility at $3 million over budget.”
Every hiring manager is searching for employees who exceed budgets by millions of dollars.

5. “Directed $25 million anal shipping and receiving operations.”
Either this person is showcasing compulsively stubborn management qualities, or he has a challenging product packaging/storage problem.

6. “Participated in the foamation of a new telecommunications company.”
This job seeker was also in charge of bubble control.

7. “Promoted to district manger to oversee 37 retail storefronts.”
This is a common resume typo. There must be literally thousands of mangers looking for jobs in today’s modern world. Here’s a tip: Use your word-processing program’s find/replace feature to quickly correct this common mistake. You can also modify your application’s spelling dictionary so it won’t recognize the word “manger.”

8. “Experienced supervisor, defective with both rookies and seasoned professionals.”
Many of us have had a boss like this at some point in our careers, but you usually don’t find them being so up-front about their leadership inadequacies.

9. “I am seeking a salary commiserate with my training and experience.”
There are a couple problems with this statement. To begin with, salary requirements don’t belong on a resume. Secondly, a salary should be “commensurate” with experience (meaning proportionate to), not “commiserate” with (meaning to express sympathy for).

10. “Seeking a party-time position with potential for advancement.”
Sounds like a fun job.

Top Ten Signs Your Family Is Stressed

10. Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk”.
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. “Family meetings” are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid’s day-planer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Building Codes Just Hamper Creativity

The Breakfast Of Champions!

Why Don’t You Take Your Kids To The Most Boring Place On Earth?

Nine Out Of Ten Men Would Be Ok With That

Who Do You Think We Are, Spartans?

How To Tell The World Your A Red Neck

Don’t You Just Hate Upety Computers?

Use A Baby To Kill A Mother…These Guys Think Of Everything

Come To America And You Too Can Be A Big Fat Slob Too!

And You Thought George Clooney Was So Hot