Fast Fringe – Flo & Joan

Rules My Grandma’s Psychiatrist Gave Her In 56′

1. Get some cheap dishes and break them when you get upset.
2. Learn how to say “NO” and don’t feel guilty about it.
3. Buy something frivolous for yourself once in a while, like a new hat.
4. Never again do anything you don’t want to do.

That’s damn good advice

Hunting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies,” he replied.

“Oh, killed any?” she said.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 females,” came the answer.

Intrigued, the wife asked, “How can you tell them apart?”

Husband: “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”

Spoiled Dog Test

1 point for every statement that applies to you

• Your dog is allowed to sleep in your bed
• Your dog gets Christmas presents
• You’ve refused to move if your dog is asleep on you
• You’ve cancelled plans because of your dog
• Your dog gets a birthday present
• Your dog is allowed to sit on the couch
• You sign birthday/Christmas cards from your dog
• You give your dog a pat before saying hello to your partner

Sorry, But I Need To Vent!!!!

I experienced the WORST customer service today at a local store. I don’t want to mention the name of the store because I’m not sure how I’m going to handle this. Last night I bought something from this store and I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn’t work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the same store and asked if I could get a refund. The cashier told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead, again she told me “NO.” I asked to talk to a manager as we Karen’s do.

Now as I’m really not happy and I explained to the manager that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn’t work. The manager just smiled and told me to straight to my face that I was “OUT OF LUCK.”

No refund.

No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr.

I’ll tell you what…l am NEVER buying another Lottery Ticket from there again.

Texas Jokes

• If someone in a Lowe’s store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Texas
• If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas
• If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas
• If ‘vacation’ means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas
• If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas
• If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas
• If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas
• If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas
• If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph & you’re going 80, and everybody’s passing you, you may live in Houston, Texas
• If you find 60 degrees ‘a little chilly,’ you may live in Texas
• If you actually understand these jokes, and cannot wait to tell all your Texas friends, you definitely have lived in Texas.

The Church Organist

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of
him and he could no longer resist.

“Miss Beatrice”, he said, “l wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes’,’ she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter?”

The 12 Fucking Steps

Step 1: I’m fucked
Step 2: There might be away out of this fucking mess
Step 3: Decide to level the fuck up
Step 4: Take a good hard look at how fucked up I am
Step 5: Tell someone else about all the fucked up stuff I’ve been through
Step 6: Prepare to stop being such a fuck up
Step 7: Try to stop acting so fucked up
Step 8: Make a list of everyone I fucked over
Step 9: Swallow my fucking pride and tell them I really fucked up, except when doing so would fuck them harder.
Step 10: Keep an eye on my fucked up thinking and behavior
Step 11: Chill the fuck out sometimes
Step 12: Help the next poor fucker that walks through the door

Well That’s One Way To Get A Table

I went to a packed restaurant, there were no seats open and a 30-minute wait.

So I pulled out my phone, held it to my ear, and said loudly: “Hey, get over here! She’s here with someone else!”

Six couples got up and left.

Understanding Engineers

Percussive maintenance: I hit it and it started working
Cycle power to the panel: turn it off and on again
High impedance air-gap: I forgot to plug it in
Organic grounding: I got electrocuted
Thermally reconfigured: It melted
Kinetic disassembly: It blew up
Thermal shock: It burned

Who Knew Those Things Worked So Well

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ To ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan And didn’t I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?’

She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’

The Father asked, ‘And be there Any wee little ones yet?’

She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’

The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week And I’ll light a fertility candle for ye And yer husband.’ She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’ They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’

She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’

The Father asked, ‘And tell me, Have ye any wee ones yet?’

She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father!

Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!’

The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful!

And how is yer loving hoosband doing?’

She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle!!!

I Don’t Care If Your Working From Home You Still Have To Shave

Why We No Longer Except Cash

Technically Their Both Right

So That’s Why He’s So Grouchie

Good To Know

Is The Cannibal Menu Included?

At Least They Know How To Get Your Attention

What Were You Trying To Make?

Because I’m This Cool! And Stupid!

You Go Granny!