Not The 9 O’clock News

Media And The End Of The World

USA Today: WE’RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria’s Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: ‘BYE
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady’s Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!
Microsoft: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Good Comeback

Husband: “Oh my, aren’t you pretty.”
Waitress: “Why thank you sir.”
Wife: “Tell her about your erectile dysfunction, George”
Husband: “Allow me to introduce my erectile dysfunction, her name is Margaret.”

Men In General

What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A power failure.

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don’t work.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

What’s the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

Why doesn’t it matter how often a married man changes his job?
He still ends up with the same boss.

Why don’t some men have a mid-life crisis?
They’re stuck in adolescence.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two – if you slice them very thinly.

Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
Because they are pigs.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys an extra case of beer.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What’s the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.

Why do doctors slap babies’ bums right after they’re born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why do little boys whine?
Because they’re practicing to be men.

How Will History Remember This Time

In 20 years when kids ask about the 2020 toilet paper shortage,
I’m telling them we had to drag our butt’s across the lawn.
In the snow.
Uphill.
Both ways.
Dodging murder hornets

Products We Could Do Without!

Fingernail Clippers: That’s why we have teeth.
Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you’re fifty?
Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn’t make your mouth stand out enough.
Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.
Crayons With a Fragrance: Oh, good, let’s give kids another reason to eat them.
Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn’t be able to braid your eyelashes.
The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.
Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.
Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn’t bounce if you fall down the stairs.
Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.
Thong Underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.

Know Your Beer

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The three CEOs then ask him, “Why aren’t you ordering a Guinness?”
He replies, “If you guys aren’t drinking beer, then neither will I.”

Sure Signs That You’re Broke

1. American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
5. Long distance companies don’t call you to switch.
6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
7. You rob Peter…and then rob Paul.
8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
10. Your bologna has no first name.
11. You give blood everyday… just for the orange juice.
12. Weight Watchers sends you EXTRA food.
13. McDonald’s supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
14. At communion you go back for seconds.

Yep, That’s Why

So, the teacher tells the class about George Washington.

“One day,” the teacher begins, “George Washington got an axe from the woodshed and chopped-down his father’s favorite Cherry tree,”

“Now, when George’s father found what had happened to his cherry tree, he called George over.

“George,” said the father, “do you know who chopped down the cherry tree?”

The teacher continued, “Now George had been brought up to always tell the truth, so he replied, I cannot tell a lie Father, it was I who chopped down the cherry tree.”

The teacher concluded, “George’s Father smiled and thanked his son for being so honest.”

“Does anyone know,” the teacher said, “why George’s Father did not punish him?”

Wee Mary stands up and says, “Is it because George still had the axe in his hand?”

Why Some Men Have A Dog But No Wife

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
12. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

The Best Comeback

Women should keep at least 1 dick pic on their phones…

That way, when someone sends them one, they can return the favor and with the caption, “You make me so hard too.”

I Want To Party With That Dog!

Don’t Worry, I’m Not Mad You Cheated On Me But You Should BE Mad That You Picked This Crappy HMO!

Best Security Ever

That’s Some Miracle Alright

If Only She Brought The Cat

Damn I Need To Try That

Amazing The Things You Can Do With Science

You Wouldn’t Think That Would Need To Be In The Training Manual But…

Scary Film Man, Scary Film

I Have No Words