An Indecent Proposal From Sarah Silverman

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS – by O.J. Simpson
24. THE ENGINEER’S GUIDE TO FASHION
23. TO ALL THE MEN I’VE LOVED BEFORE – by Ellen DeGeneres
22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY – by Dennis Rodman
19. THE WILD YEARS – by Al Gore
18. AMELIA EARHART’S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
17. AMERICA’S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
15. DETROIT – A TRAVEL GUIDE
14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
13. DR. KEVORKIAN’S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12. EASY UNIX
11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE
10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
7. GEORGE FOREMAN’S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER – by Art Garfunkel
5. MIKE TYSON’S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES – by the EPA
3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

And the Number one World’s Shortest book……

1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION – by Bill Clinton

At Least They Weren’t Walking Into A Bar

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”

A Reference Guide For Weekend Fun

1. ECSTASY
How you think you behave: Like the beautiful, caring, wonderful person you really are.
How you actually behave: Like the creepy kid at school who always sucked up to the teacher. Those revolting sweaty hugs you inflict upon anyone you meet are disgusting.
Likelihood of getting laid: 30%. Sex is not important. It’s all about the “vibe.”
How you feel in the morning: Like you should have gone for the sex.
Embarrassment rating: 6/10 Ecstasy makes you say nice things to people that you don’t like. This can be very embarrassing, particularly if people believe what you say. Be careful who you give your phone number to. They just might call.

2. MARIJUANA
How you think you behave: You’re not sure, but you think people could be laughing at you.
How you actually behave: Like someone just hit you over the head with an 800KG fridge freezer combination.
Likelihood of getting laid: 60%. If you spend enough time on the couch, anything can happen.
How you feel in the morning: Like another joint. And the rest of that pizza.
Embarrassment rating: 1/10. You are moving so slowly that it’s almost impossible to do anything stupid.

3. ALCOHOL
How you think you behave: Like the life of the party. You are sexy, funny and everybody likes you.
How you actually behave: Like the death of the party. Your behavior gets progressively worse as you tell more and more crass jokes, insult the bartender, spill your drink and make a pass at your best friend’s date.
Likelihood of getting laid: 90%. Your sexual standards drop dramatically with each consecutive drink. If surrounded by others whose standards are also lowered, then your chances are pretty good.
How you feel in the morning: Who did I insult? Where is my car? Why did I sleep with someone from the office? I’ve never felt this bad before. This is absolutely the last time.
Embarrassment rating: 11/10. Not only are you stupid, you are sloppy. Everyone recognizes this, except you.

4. COCAINE
How you think you behave: You are smart, irresistible and want to “do lunch” with everyone.
How you actually behave: Like an annoying know-it-all who would sell his soul for the next line of blow.
Likelihood of getting laid: 80% It may be a Jedi Mind Trick, but when you sincerely believe you are so irresistible, some clueless and insecure type may actually fall for it
How you feel in the morning: Like the ape man.
Embarrassment rating: 0/10 if there’s more coke in the drawer. 9/10 if there isn’t.

5. ACID or SHROOMS
How you think you behave: You are not behaving, but the world around you is putting on a pretty good show.
How you actually behave: In reality, it is you putting on the show. The rest of the world is behaving the same as ever.
Likelihood of getting laid: 20% Even if you actually manage to get through the process of selecting a mate, removing your clothes and choosing a sexual position, you will then have to deal with the challenge of your partner changing into a furry animal/the devil/your mother.
How you feel in the morning: Either you are climbing the walls wishing that God would put an end to your suffering, or you finally understand Huxley’s “The Doors of Perception.”
Embarrassment rating: 0/10 You either sat on the couch and laughed at the TV all night even if it was turned off). Or you climbed onto a building, tried to fly and died.

Oh Boy…More Warning Signs!

On a cardboard windshield sun shade: “Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place” (why…a duh!)

On an infant’s bathtub: “Do not throw baby out with bath water.” (ah-ha! So that’s what happened to my little sister!)

On a Magic 8 Ball: “Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.” (oh sure…now they tell me!)

On a roll of Life Savers: “Not for use as a flotation device.” (aye matey…but the sharks love ‘em!)

On a disposable razor: “Do not use this product during an earthquake.” (Well duh!!)

On a handgun: “Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.” (It should say “Warning: Do not use on yourself, or anyone else.”)

On pantyhose: “Not to be used in the commission of a felony.” (Well that’s just great…now what do I use!)

On a palm sander: “Not to be used to sand palms.” (If their that dumb how did they plug it in?)

On a blender: “Not for use as an aquarium.” (he-he…I gotta try this one!)

On syrup of ipecac (a medicine that causes vomiting): “Caution: May cause vomiting.”

On a revolving door: “Passenger compartments for individual use only.” (But the fun happens when there’s two or more!)

On children’s alphabet blocks: “Letters may not be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.” (Hmmm…I think I’ll test this one out on my nephews)

Rejected Public Holidays

12 Casual Sex Friday
11 False Labor Day
10 Make a Move on Your Secretary Day
9 Hallmark Card Day
8 Bring Your Handgun to Work Day
7 Kill Your Boss Day
6 Deadbeat Father’s Day
5 Bad Hair Day
4 Put Your Daughter To Work Day
3 Doris Day
2 St. Hooter’s Day

And the Number 1 Rejected Public Holiday…

1 Hash Wednesday

Wedding Questions And Answers

Q. Is it all right to bring your new girlfriend to the wedding?
A. Not if you are the groom…if you’re the bride then sure!

Q. How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
A. At least one within a week of the wedding.

Q. What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A. Anything except “Tied to the Whipping Post”.

Q. “When did you know he (or she) was ‘The one’?”
A. “When the paper test strip turned blue”

Q. To the best Man: As a former lover of both the bride and groom, what advice do you have for them?
A. You’ll have to come up with this one on your own.

What The World Is Like In TV Land

1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4. The suburbs are exciting.
5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6. Good guys are always outnumbered.
7. Good guys always win and get the girl.
8. Good guys are always good looking.
9. Ugly people are always bad guys.
10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
12. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.
13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.
14. Cars will explode in all accidents.
15. Everyone has a dark secret.
16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
17. Haunted houses are never locked.
18. The police are smart.
19. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
20. All Asian people know Karate.
21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
22. Rich people are unhappy and evil.
23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.
24. Indians make good cannon fodder.
25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
26. Computers never crash.
     a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PC’s.
     b) Computers know everything.
     c) The same 2 keys are used to do everything
     d) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info
27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.
28. No one farts, except after eating beans.
29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.
30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but never stick around to see if it works.
31. Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three or four days.
32. Movies based on true stories are made up.
33. Police never wait for back-up.
34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
35. Private detective work is glamorous.
36. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.
37. All police killings are in self-defense.
38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
39. Good guys don’t do drugs.
40. The world is teeming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate to have sex with pennyless young guys.
41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in a hurry.
42. High School students look thirty years old.
43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.
44. Street vendors’ carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.
45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.
47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.
48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.
49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.
50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.
51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the victim seeing or hearing him until he is about to drive a huge carving knife or pitchfork into them.
52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to check it out.
53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants to kill.
54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance behind them quickly, but can’t use that speed to actually catch the person they’re chasing.
55. No-one ever locks a car when they get out of it (even in New York).

London Cabbie

A devout Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab asked him, “What are you doing?”

The cabbie answered, “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so fuck off and wait for a camel!!”

Thoughts From Women About Being A Woman

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. * Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow. * Janette Barber

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. * Carrie Snow

Old age ain’t no place for sissies. * Bette Davis

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. * Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. * Caryn Leschen

Whoever thought up the word “Mammogram”? Every time I hear it, I think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. * Jan King

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. * Jennifer Unlimited

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb and I’m also not blonde. * Dolly Parton

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. * Laurie Kuslansky

I think – therefore I’m single. * Lizz Winstead

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It’s plucking your eyebrows. That’s how I originally got pierced ears. * Geri Jewell

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. * Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. * Maryon Pearson

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. * Gloria Steinem

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. * Marie Corelli

If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? * Linda Ellerbee

Their Gene Pool Needs A Little More Chlorine

Mush Little Doggy Mush!

Hey If You Don’t Like It Bird Brain, Fly Away!

I Always Wondered What Happened To Godzilla

Doesn’t Marching On The Street Defeat The Whole Camouflage Thing?

Some Bedtime Stories Are Just To True To Have A Happy Ending

It Would Be A Comedy If It Didn’t Actually Happen

I Remember When He Had To Use The Real Thing

The Justice League Is Past It’s Prime

Practical Jokes Need No Language