Key & Peele – Dueling Hats

Nursery Rhymes We Didn’t Have as Kids

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
‘What have you got there?’
Said the pie man unto Simon,
‘Pies, you dumb ass’

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings’ horses,
And all the kings’ men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad……..
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

And You Thought You Hade A Bad Job

• Nuclear Warhead Sensitivity Technician
• Circus Elephant Clean Up Specialist
• Rotten Sardine Taste Detector
• Assistant To The Boss’s Nephew
• Shark Baiter
• Hurricane Photographer
• Director Of Public Relations, Chernobyl Nuclear Facility
• Prison Glee Club President
• Road Kill Removal Crew

Buying Gifts For Men

Rule #1:
When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks” “Shorts” “Cups” “Saucers” “Door” “Lock” “Sink”… You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #7:
Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.

Rule #8:
Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”

Rule #9:
Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.

Rule #10:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #11:
It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #12:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to their cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.

I Wonder What Her Wish Was?

A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny. His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns. The guy says, “Wow, it really works.”

Ten Signs You’ve Eaten Too Much

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth’s axis.
7. Right this minute you’re laughing up pie on the carpet.
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5. World’s fattest man sends you an email, warning you to “back off!”
4. The MOB tells you to lose weight or else.
3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1. You’re sweating’ gravy.

Definitions For Men & Woman

Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
Male: Food, sex and beer.

Thingy (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car’s hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who won’t have sex with you.

Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

Vulnérable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing ball without a cup.

Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

Butt (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
Male: The organ of mooning (and farting).

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and Male bonding.

Making love (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy humans can achieve.
Male: What men have to call “boinking” to get women to boink.

Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.

Taste (tayst) v.
Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you’re cooking, to make sure it’s good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

Sleeper Car On A Train

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea… let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Why not,” giggles the woman. “Good,” he replies. “Get your own blanket.”

Truisms

• Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
• When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
• There’s never time to do it right but there’s always time to do it over.
• In case of doubt, try to sound convincing.
• The other line always moves faster.
• Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
• It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
• If you’re feeling good, don’t worry you’ll get over it.
• Everyone should believe in something-I believe I’ll have another drink :~)
• A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
• Celibacy is not hereditary.
• Never sleep with someone crazier than yourself.
• Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center
• If it jams-force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
• Beauty is only skin deep….ugly goes to the bone.
• When you feel like you need more exercise, lie down until the feeling passes.
• There are probably better ways to cure a cold than three rums, but who cares.
• The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train
• A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
• Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
• The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

The Price Of Gas Versus Printer Ink

All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are….

You will be really shocked by the last one! (At least, I was)

Compared with Gasoline……

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ….. $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ….$9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ………… $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 …….$10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ………$33.60 per gallon
Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 …….$178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 …….$123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 …………….$25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99……………$84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER…

Evian water 9 oz $1.49……….$21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for WATER and the buyers don’t even know the source (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?

So they have you hooked for the ink Someone calculated the cost of the ink at.(you won’t believe it but it is true) $5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)

So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump…

And – If you don’t pass this along to at least one person, your muffler will fall off!!

Okay, your muffler won’t really fall off…but, you might run out of toilet paper

World’s Shortest Books: (In order)

25. “Things I wouldn’t Do for Money” by Dennis Rodman
24. Human Rights Advances in China
23. The Differences Between Reality and Dilbert
22. “The Book of Virtue” by Bill Clinton
21. “To all the Men I’ve Loved Before” Ellen DeGeneres
20. “My Plan to Find the Real Killers” by OJ Simpson
19. “Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes”
18. Al Gore: The Wild Years
17. Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
16. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
15. Career Opportunities for History Majors
14. Detroit: A Travel Guide
13. Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
12. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
11. Easy UNIX /* GCFL: come on! it’s not that difficult!:-)*/
10. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
9. Everything Men Know About Women
8. Everything Women Know About Men
7. French Hospitality to non-Francophone’s
6. George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
5. “How to Sustain a Musical Career” by Art Garfunkel
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Book

And the Number One World’s Shortest Book

1. The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion

Heaven

I Guess He Was Too Cheap To Buy The Club

Traitor!!!

YOU KIDS GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!!!

Now I Know What Happened To The Other 100 Dalmatians

Were More Alike Then Anyone Realizes

Alright Let Her Rip!

Bet You Thought Barbie Would Never Grow Old Huh?

Don’t Give Me That! Your The One Who Wanted To Go Outside And Play

Alright, Who Thought This Was Going To Be A Good Idea?