Did You Fart? – Dave Allen

Guy Quiz!

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A) Lovemaking
B) Screwing
C) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
A) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
B) Your blood-test results
C) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A) Your partner climaxes first
B) You both climax simultaneously
C) You don’t miss Sports-Centre

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A) Healthy, creative love-play
B) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
C) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is:
A) The best part of the experience
B) The second best part of the experience
C) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A) No concern of yours
B) Not a problem, she can join your gym
C) A conservative estimate

7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
A) A myth
B) An oxymoron
C) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A) Appetizer is to entree
B) Primer is to paint
C) A line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A) “I hope we can still be friends.”
B) “I’m not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.”
C) “Welcome to Dumpsville, Population, YOU.”

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A) Probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
B) Is uptight and a waste of time
C) Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered “a” more than 7 times,
Check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered “b” more than seven times,
Check into therapy, you’re still a little confused.

If you answered “c” more than 7 times…
“YOU DA MAN!”…And that’s not a good thing if you ever want to get (and stay) married.

Driving Incident

This morning on the way to work, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mercedes doing 85 with her face up next to her rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds to continue shaving and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don’t scare easily, but she scared me so much I had to put on my seat belt and dropped my electric shaver which then knocked the sandwich out of my other hand. In the confusion the coffee splashed between my legs and burned Big Jim and the twins, ruined the damned phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!

One Liners

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
2. In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but, if you think about it, neither does milk.
5. When everything comes in your way you’re in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train.
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film..
9. Life is short, always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. The road to success…. is always under construction.
13. I love being a writer… What I can’t stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: The case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O’clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
21. It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so, I made your horn louder!
23. To err is human, to forgive is not a company policy.
24. The cigarette does the smoking, you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week.
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

How To Support The Police

Police Officer: Step out the vehicle ma’am…

Me: It’s 104 degrees, you get in and tell me the problem in the AC

The Last Of The Mom Dictionary!

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.

ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold, and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children’s clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child’s “special needs.”

TERRIBLE TWO’S: Having both kids at home all summer.
TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be “Just like Daddy.”

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues, and wads of gum.

“WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME”: Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid’s lunch box even more mortifying.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried, or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

If You Want My Life That Bad You Can Have It

Mugger: *points gun* your money or your life!

Me: Sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids, a mortgage, and you’re barely making ends meet.

Mugger: No, I mean…

Me: *already running away* Your late for your daughter’s recital!

Types Of Boyfriends And Girlfriends

Boyfriends
1. Joe Sensitive – “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?”
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

2. Old Man Grumpus – “People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let’s stay home and watch TV.”
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

3. Flinchy – “I–I’m sorry for whatever it was I did.”
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

4. Bigfoot – “Shut yer trap, I’m thinkin’.”
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big ‘n’ Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

5. Lazybones – “Zzzzzz”
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

6. The Sneak – “Who, me?”
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

7. Ace of Hearts – “After I wash the dishes let’s make love like crazed weasels, OK?”
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

8. The Dreamer – “Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t know how, but–”
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into “Old Man Grumpus”

9. Mr. Right – “While the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?”
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman’s prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

Girlfriends
1. Ms. Nice Guy – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn’t have!”
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

2. Old Yeller – “You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable??”
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

3. Sickly – “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite.”
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

4. The Bosser – “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?”
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C’mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

6. Wild Woman out of Control – “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love on the front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

7. Huffy – “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at.”
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

8. Woman from Mars – “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship.”
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

9. Ms. Dreamgirl – “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!”
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

Well What Would You Say?

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”

The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”

One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!’”

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Warning Labels

1. On Sears hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.”
(Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair)

2. On a bag of Fritos: “You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.”
(Evidently, the shoplifter special)

3. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.”
(And that would be how…?)

4. On some frozen dinners: “Serving suggestions: Defrost.”
(But it’s “just” a suggestion)

5. On a tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): “Do not turn upside down.”
(Oops, too late!)

6. On bread pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.”
(As night follows the day….)

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.”
(But wouldn’t this save even more time?)

8. On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication”
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
(One would hope)

10. On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(As opposed to what?)

11. On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.”
(I gotta admit, I’m curious.)

12. On peanuts: “Warning: Contains nuts.”
(NEWS FLASH)

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)

14. On a child’s Superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
(I don’t blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)

15. On a Swedish chain saw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?… Good grief)

16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: “Do not use on food.”
(“Hey Mom we’re out of syrup!” – “It’s OK, honey! Just grab the Palmolive! “)

17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: “If swallowed contact poison control.”
(Oh please have you ever heard about someone dying from swallowing a little toothpaste?)

18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: “Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.”
(“Hey, no more swimming in the washing machine, kids!” – “Aww, you mean we have to use the swimming pool?”)

Why You Should Be Nice To Your Wife

Husband: I saw a garbage disposal that’s rated for bones.
Wife: Like, what kind? Finger, femur, there’s a big difference.
Husband:
Husband: …. or chicken.
Wife: Ohhh…that’s probably what they mean.
Husband: *stares*
Wife: This is probably a “there’s two kinds of people” moment.

Please, He Was An Annoying Meth Head

Do You Know If They Sell This At Home Depot?

We Are Legally Required To Say No

As Bad Days Go…It Could Be Worse

Ok, Now Their Just Getting Stupid

It Was A Horrific Time For All Of Us

Where Do You Want To Go For Dinner? I Don’t Care

Just Saying

MOM! I Know What I Want For My Birthday!

What Do You Mean I Can’t Put This Up In My Cubical?