Funny or Die’s Presidential Reunion

1. The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civilians.
2. Bob the Germ’s Wondrous Journey Into and Back Out of Your Digestive System.
3. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’s Games of Revenge.
4. Peter Rabbit’s Frisky Adventures.
5. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The ‘Hood’.
6. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidentally Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.
7. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.
8. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.
9. The Tickling Babysitter
10. A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides.
11. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.
12. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.
13. Babar Meets the Taxidermist and Becomes a Piano.
14. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.
15. David Duke’s World of Imagination.
16. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.
17. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.
18. Legends of Scab Football.

An Angry Wife Texts Her Husband

“Where d Hell Are You …?”
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It n I Didn’t Have Money That Time n I said “Baby It’ll Be Yours 1 Day … “O:)
Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: Yeah I Remember That My Love!
Husband: I ‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop

Even More Facts Of Life…

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

Don’t worry about the world ending today…
It’s already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you’re in Australia…then start worrying)

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend.
Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.

Drive carefully, It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.

A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t understand two things:
1 – Women, 2 – Fractions.

PARAPROSDOKIANS
(Winston Churchill loved them) Figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and frequently humorous.

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
4. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
5. War does not determine who is right…only who is left.
6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
7. They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
10. I asked God for bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
11. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
12. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
13. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
14. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
15. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
16. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
17. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
18. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
19. I am neither for nor against apathy.
20. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
21. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
22. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
23. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
24. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
25. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Wine Taster

At a wine merchant’s, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.

He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said:
“It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”

“That’s correct”, said the boss.

Another glass….
“It’s a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
“Correct.”

A third glass…
”It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,” calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant – and if I don’t get the job, I’ll name the father.”

Sensitivity

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did ….she’s 21 and her name’s Suzie.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 23 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said, “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”

Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It provides me with everything I need – KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.

If abortion is murder, is a condom “kidnapping”? How about a blow job….is it cannibalism?

Question – Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said, “I not understanding question please.”

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries.

A man calls 911 and says, “I think my wife is dead.” The operator says, “How do you know?” He says, “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You obviously haven’t been listening.”

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children’s-oriented iPod, after realizing that “iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.

There’s a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we’d love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway!

Sure Signs That You’re Broke!

1. American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
5. Long distance companies don’t call you to switch.
6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
7. You rob Peter…and then rob Paul.
8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
10. Your bologna has no first name.
11. You give blood everyday…just for the orange juice.
12. Sally Struthers sends you food.
13. McDonald’s supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
14. At communion you go back for seconds.

Pregnancy Advice…

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have s ex once a year.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you’re doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you’re fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question, dork?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

MAFIA Valentine Cards

My love for you… it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.

I’m here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

Lie down with me — it’s my final offa,
Or you’ll be lying wit’ Jimmy Hoffa.

I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that’s all they offer here in witness protection.

Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.

Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I’ll have to whack your ass.

Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car — So why ain’t you dead?

The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You’d bear a son, and now that’s done, So shut your mouth and cook!

Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you’re as untouchable as Elliot Ness.

Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you’ll keep your fingers.

Hope da chocolates is good, but y’know, dis ain’t really what a guy’s heart looks like.

When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye — that’s amore!

Telephone Knowledge

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called – and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog… or senile lady.

He climbed the telephone pole at the front of her house, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house.

The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog chained up in the front yard yelped and moaned… and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that SOME problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Just thought you’d like to know.

Thanks Buddy But I Like Fresh Meat

You Just Can’t Win Anymore

Forget The Owner With The Gun, Beware The Dog!

No The Fights Not Fixed, Why Would You Ask?

What Nut Job Thought Women Would Want To Wear This?

Hey Baby Want Some Of My Sausage?

Oh My God! Donkey Kong Is Real!

Some Churches Do Have A Sense Of Humor…It’s Just A Bad One

At Least Someone Is Thinking Of The Children

Stick Em Up Sonny!