Why Superheroes Make Terrible Bosses

Ain’t That The Truth

Sometimes when you hurt, nobody sees your pain.
Sometimes when you hurt, nobody sees your sorrow.
Sometimes when you cry, nobody sees your tears.
BUT FART JUST ONCE…

Best Modern Day Escape Room

My kids said that they wanted to go to an escape room so I locked them in their bedrooms with a rotary phone, analogue TV, remote control, and wrote instructions on how to escape in cursive.

It’s been 3 days 18 hours and 47 minutes since I’ve seen them.

Nice Things To Whisper When Hugging Someone

-you smell different when you’re awake
-please help me (then smile as if nothing happened)
-soon
-you have lovely skin, I can’t wait to wear it
-your hair tastes like strawberries
-tonight….you.
-he knows, don’t go home.
-I always knew you would die in my arms
-every time I poop I think of you
-no one will ever believe you
-yessssssssssssss
-I killed mufasa
-I bet you didn’t feel me lick your ear
-mother told me it would be like this

It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

A man goes into Victoria’s Secret to buy a negligee for his wife.

They show him different types in the price range $200-500. The less clothes, the higher the price. He goes for the most expensive one that shows the most body and goes home.

He gives the gift to his wife and tells her to go up to put it on. Once upstairs, the wife gets an idea (she’s
no fool), the negligee covers so little that she can just pose naked and return the gift to keep the money.

She goes down to the balcony and poses naked for the man.

He exclaims in horror, “My God, for $500 they could at least have ironed it”

That was the last thing he said, the funeral is on Thursday at noon, and the coffin is closed.

School Voice Mail

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:

• To lie about why your child is absent, Press 1.
• To make excuses for why your child did not do his work, Press 2.
• To complain about what we do, Press 3.
• To cuss out staff members, Press 4.
• To ask why you didn’t get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you, Press 5.
• If you want us to raise your child, Press 6.
• If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, Press 7.
• To request another teacher for the third time this year, Press 8.
• To complain about bus transportation, Press 9.
• To complain about school lunches, Press 0.
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it’s not the teachers fault for your child’s lack of effort … Hang up and have a nice day!!

Somethings Wrong, He Cleaned His Room Without Me Telling Him To

Dear Tommy,

I tried to come in and get your tooth but there were so many toys on your floor. That I tripped and fell.
I am going to come back tonight. Please make sure your room is clean, so I won’t hurt myself again.

The Tooth Fairy

Texting Codes For Seniors

HOG – Hot Old Guy
ABFF -At Best Friends Funeral
BMW – Bring My Walker
ATD – At the Doctors
DBI – Disaster Because Incontinent
FWIWG – Forgot Where I Was Going
GGBCI – Gotta Go, Bladder Control Issues
HGBM – Had Great Bowel Movement
TOT – Texting on Toilet
LMD – Lost My Dentures
SMM – Slipped My Mind
ODGS – Oh Dear! Gas. Sorry!

Stress Diet

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

Breakfast
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast – dry
8 oz skim milk

Lunch
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Afternoon Snack
Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 pints of Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce nuts, cherries, whipped cream

Dinner
2 loaves garlic bread with cheese large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
4 cans or 1 large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers candy bars

Late Evening News
Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer

The Guerrilla Guide to Telemarketing Defense Methods

We all get these calls, usually when we have just sat down for dinner or to use the bathroom. The time has come to fight back! Try one of these methods the next time someone (“X”) wants to sell you something.

1. If X starts out with, “How are you today?”, say, “Why do you want to know?” Alternatively, you can tell X, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care and I have all these problems. My sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died …” When X tries to get to the sale, just keep talking about your problems.

2. If X is Chris Doe from the XYZ Company, ask X to spell “Chris Doe.” Then ask X to spell the company name. Then ask X where it is located. Continue asking X personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

3. This one works better if you’re male.
     X: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with Canter & Siegel services …”
  You: “Hang on a second.” (A few seconds’ pause.) “Okay.” (In a husky voice.) “What are you wearing?”
     X: Click.

4. Cry out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you been?” With any luck, this will give Judy a few moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

5. Say “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep an even tempo even as X is trying to speak. This is the most fun, if you can keep going until X hangs up.

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with its Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, “I don’t have any friends … would you be my friend?”

7. If X cleans rugs, ask, “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?” Alternate: “Sorry, my floor is made of stone.”

8. Let X give the spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh-huh,” “Really?”, or “How fascinating!”. Finally, when X asks you to buy, ask X to marry you. When X gets all flustered, tell X you couldn’t give your credit card number to a stranger.

9. Tell X you work for the same company X works for.
     X: “This is Bill from WaterTronics.”
  You: “WaterTronics! Hey, I work for them, too. Where are you calling from?”
     X: “Uh … Dallas, Texas.”
  You: “Great, they have a group there too? How’s business/the weather?!?”
     X: “Sorry, we can’t sell to employees.”
  You: “Oh, okay. Bye!”

10. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down and shout or scream, “Oh my God!!!” and hang up.

11. (Jerry Seinfeld version) Tell X you’re busy at the moment but that, if X gives you his or her home phone number, you’ll call back. X will say, “We’re not allowed to give out our phone numbers.” You say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” X will agree. You say, “Now you know how I feel!” Hang up.

12. Ask X to repeat everything X says, several times.

13. Tell X it is dinner time, but ask if X would please hold. Put X on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

14. Tell X you are on “home incarceration” and ask if X could please bring you some beer.

15. Ask X to fax the information to you and make up a number.

16. “Okay, I’ll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”

17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Dave, playing a joke. “Come on, Dave, cut it out! Seriously, Dave, how’s your mom?”

18. Tell X that he or she will have to speak up … louder … louder … louder …

19. Tell X to talk v e r y s l o w l y, because you want to write down every word.

The Cat In The Hat On Aging

I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
Cannot screw
Oh my god. what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad – can you tell?
My body’s drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years
Have come at last
The Golden Years
Can kiss my ass.

Damn Good Idea!

How Do You Think That Bitch Gets Everything!

Finally A Store We Can All Go To

It Happens To All Of Us

That’s What Happens When You Don’t Tip

Wow, That Is So Funny

Just Reminding People That They Should Have Stayed Home

It’s Witchcraft!

She’s A Dirty, Dirty, Girl

That Would Have Been Horrible…Funny, But Horrible