Women Should Be SO Embarrassed!

Male Stages In Life

AGE – DRINK
17 – beer
25 – vodka
35 – scotch
48 – double scotch
66 – Maalox

AGE – SEDUCTION LINE
17 – My parents are away for the weekend.
25 – My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 – My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48 – My wife is away for the weekend.
66 – My second wife is dead.

AGE – FAVORITE SPORT
17 – sex
25 – sex
35 – sex
48 – sex
66 – napping

AGE – DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 – “tongue”
25 – “breakfast”
35 – “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48 – “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66 – “Got home alive.”

AGE – FAVORITE FANTASY
17 – getting to third
25 – airplane sex
35 – ménage a trois
48 – taking the company public
66 – Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

AGE – FAVORITE HOUSE PET
17 – roaches
25 – stoned-out college roommate
35 – German Shepherd
48 – children from his first marriage
66 – Barbie

AGE – WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 – 25
25 – 35
35 – 48
48 – 66
66 – 17

Shopping

In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child,
“You know, if we really mess this up, we’ll never have to do it again.”

Rejection Lines By Women

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that banjo player in “Deliverance.”)
9. There’s a silent difference in our ages. (I don’t want to date my Dad.)
8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don’t want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys.)
6. I’ve got a boyfriend. (I prefer the company of my cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s.)
5. I don’t date men where I work. (I wouldn’t date you if you were in the same ‘solar system,’ much less the same building.)
4. It’s not you, it’s me. (It’s you.)
3. I’m concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I’m celibate. (I’ve sworn off only the men like you.)
And the Number One rejection line given by women:
1. Let’s be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I sleep with)

Program Error

I’m currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I’ve been having some problems lately. I’ve been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I’ve tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won’t crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I’m embarrassed to say I can’t find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Football program, often trying to abort Football with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn’t have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn’t know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can’t understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I’ve never liked how GirlFriend is totally “object-oriented.”

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don’t upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can’t load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can’t turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won’t install anyway because of insufficient resources.

Ah well, back to DrinkingBuddies 1.0.

Famous Drinking Quotes

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. –Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. –Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer. –Plato

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. –Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. –His reply

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. –Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. –Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. –Deep Thought, Jack Handy

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.–Humphrey Bogart

I drink to make other people interesting. –George Jean Nathan

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. –For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. –Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer. –Homer Simpson

Best Cake Recipe Ever

You’ll need the following: a cup of butter, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

In a large bowl, combine butter with sugar. Turn on the electric mixer, beat sugar and butter until fluffy. Sample and add one teaspoon of sugar if needed, mix again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another cup. Turn off the mixer. Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaters pry it loose with a spatula.

Sample the whisky again to check for toxicity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams

• The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
• Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
• Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
• All female parts were sung by castrati. We don’t know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
• Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven’s Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin’s Rap City in Blue.
• Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
• A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
• Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
• Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
• A harp is a nude piano.
• Refrain means don’t do it. A refrain in music is the part you’d better not try to sing.
• I know what a sextet is but I’d rather not say.
• My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
• Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
• Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.

The Bricklayer’s Accident Report…

The next time you’re having a bad day, just think — you’re lucky you’re not this guy!

This is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

University Courses For Men And Women

Whatsamatta University’s Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called “Don’t Wash My Silks”)
8. You Don’t Really Need That Porsche
9. Get A Life – Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You, The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. Garbage – Getting It To The Curb
16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
18. Give Me A Break – Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
20. The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency
21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
27. Attainable Goal – Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary

Whatsamatta University’s Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combating The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
3. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
8. Parenting – Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
11. Get A Life – Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
12. Balancing A Checkbook – Even You Can Get It Right
13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
14. You, The Whining Sex
15. Shopping – Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
17. How To Close The Garage Door
18. If You Don’t Want An Excuse, Don’t Demand An Explanation
19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
20. Living Without Power Windows – How To Turn A Crank
21. Romanticism – The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
23. Why You Don’t Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
27. Female Friendship – Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
29. Attainable Goal – Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving

Health Warning

Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys.

Rum and ice will ruin your liver.

Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart.

Gin and ice will ruin your brain.

Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth.

There you have it ICE is fucking lethal, lay off the ice and warn all your friends, you could save a life and don’t forget what it did to the poor old Titanic!

Lets Go Downtown And Watch The Face Plant

If Only

Are You Sure This Is The Best Place For A Play Pen?

So Why Did You Want To Bring Your Lawyer Up Here?

Was I Supposed To Cover Those?

Time Out

Don’t You Hate It When That Happens?

Come On Guys Your Not Even Trying To Proofread This Stuff

Hey It Was Either A New Tire Or Beer, What Would You Choose?

You Owe Me So Big For This!