How To Hide A Body In A Theme Park

Best Lines From Louis C.K.

• “I don’t stop eating when I’m full. The meal isn’t over when I’m full. It’s over when I hate myself.”
• “If you’re a woman and a guy’s ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.”
• I’ve never gotten laid cause of the way I look. I’m the guy that women see and go… “Eh?” and I’m like, “I know, but let me just talk to you for a minute.”
• “Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.”
• “There are two types of people in this world; people who say they pee in the shower, and dirty fu(king liars.”
• “I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them”
• “I’d like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know. Something like ‘Ladies and Gentlemen.’ that’ll be a cool name for a kid. This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen.’ Then when he gets out of hand, I get to go ‘Ladies and Gentlemen. Please!”‘
• “Fu(k it… That’s really the attitude that keeps a family together, it’s not “we love each other”, it’s just “fuck it, man.”
• “Self-love is a good thing, but self-awareness is more important. You need to, once in a while go, ‘Uh, I’m kind of an asshole.’”
• “Everything’s amazing right now, and nobody’s happy. It seems like the better it gets, the more miserable people become.”
• “What happens after you die?” “Lot’s of things happen after you die – they just don’t involve you.”
• “The Greatest Generation gets too much credit. Those World War II guys, if they had all the shit we have today, they’d be assholes too. It’s just circumstantial. It’s what you’re called on to do that thing that makes you great. We haven’t been called on to do anything but buy shit and get fat.”
• “I don’t think women are better than men, but I do think that men are worse than women.”
• “I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don’t live that long. It doesn’t matter. ”
• “Misery is wasted on the miserable.”
• “You know the only thing happier than a three-legged dog? A four-legged dog.”
• “Everything is funny except your death, but other people will laugh.”
• “Now, if you’re white and you don’t admit that it’s great, you’re an asshole.”
• “When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.”
• “Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce.”

I Don’t Accept Your Rejection

Dear Hiring Team,

Thank you for your interest in rejecting my application.

I have reviewed your rejection email and was impressed by your decision-making process and commitment to moving forward with other candidates.

However. I have received many rejection emails this year. Therefore, after careful consideration, I have decided not to accept your rejection at this time.

Once again, I appreciate your courage to reject me and wish you every success in rejecting other candidates.

I look forward to joining the team soon.

Best regards.

Demotivational Quotes That Are Kinda Motivational?

• This too shall pass. And then some other bullshit will come and take its place. It never fucking ends.
• Have a meltdown. As a treat.
• Just be yourself. But not your real self. No one wants to see that shit.
• The only person I can truly rely on is me. I am so fu(ked.
• Be proud of how far you have come. Especially considering what a piece of shit you used to be.
• It’s never too late to change. So just wait until you absolutely have to.
• Don’t. Give Up.
• You are not alone. People are literally everywhere. With their stupid problems and shitty attitudes. You only wish you were alone.
• Stop trying so hard. You look desperate.
• This to shall pass. And so will you.
• Today I am taking Control of my emotions. I am choosing anger.
• Everything is going to be okay. Eventually you’ll be dead and won’t have to deal with any of this shit.
• You matter. Just not that much.
• Stop wondering if you’re good enough. You’re not.
• The only person you can truly rely on is you. What a fu(king nightmare.
• Every morning I wake up I tell myself the same thing: Guess I have to keep doing this shit.
• You matter. To maybe a handful of people. And they’re probably just being nice, or they need you for something.
• It’s always a good time for a depression nap.
• Just be yourself. But less you. Diet You.
• Only you have the power to change your life. Which is truly unfortunate.
• Everything is going to be okay. Just not for you.
• You are someone’s biggest regret. At least your going to be remembered.
• Things didn’t work out for a reason. You. The reason was you.
• You will get through this, I promise you. Eventually you’ll just die.
• Never underestimate your ability to completely fu(k things up.
• You never know what the future holds. But I’ll face it just like I face most days: With crippling anxiety.
• No one is coming to save you. You are the adult. I am so sorry.

It Wasn’t His Fault

Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

His wife asked him, “What happened to you?”

“I’ve had a terrible day!” says Bob. I had to go a hotel, where a guest had died in his sleep! When I got there, the manager said that they couldn’t get him into a body bag, because he had a huge erection!”

“Anyway, I went up, and sure enough there was this big naked man, lying on the bed with a huge erection! So, I grabbed his erection with both hands and tried to bend it in half!”

“I see!” said the wife, “That must have been terrible! But how did you get the black eye?”

Bob replied, “Wrong room!”

Now That I’m Older, Here’s What I’ve Discovered

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don’t really give a rat’s ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run and does mostly nothing except eat, yet it lives for 150 years.
And they tell us to exercise? I don’t think so

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
8. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the tree.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
15. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . They’re everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
20. Have I sent this message to you before…or did I get it from you?

The More Things Change The More They Stay The Same

Realizing in 20 years I’ll probably hear some boomer say stuff like:

“NO SON OF MINE IS MARRYING AN AI CHATBOT, MARRIAGE IS BETWEEN TWO HUMANS ONLY!”

And the kids will be like “OMG dad you’re robophobic!”

Top Ten Reasons Why It Costs More To Get Your Pet Groomed Than Your Own Hair Cut

10.Your hairdresser doesn’t wash and clean your rear end.
9. You don’t go eight weeks without washing or brushing your hair.
8. Your hairdresser doesn’t give you a sanitary trim.
7. Your hairdresser doesn’t clean your ears.
6. Your hairdresser doesn’t remove the boogies from your eyes.
5. You sit still for your hairdresser.
4. Your haircut doesn’t include a manicure or pedicure.
3. Your hairdresser only washes and cuts the hair on your head.
2. You don’t bite or scratch your hairdresser.
1. The likelihood of you pooping on the hairdresser is pretty slim.

What The Hell Happened?

One minute you’re 21, staying up all night drinking beer, eating pizza and doing sketchy stuff just for fun.

Then

In blink of an eye, you’re 60, drinking water, eating kale and you can’t do any sketchy stuff, because you pulled a muscle putting on your socks.

What I Want In A Man!

What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet

Who’s The Real Asshole Here

PETER PAN: We meet again, Captain Hook.

CAPTAIN HOOK: Well, well, well, …wait you guys call me Hook?

PETER PAN: Yeah.

CAPTAIN HOOK: Because of the hand?

PETER PAN: I’m sorr…

CAPTAIN HOOK: Wow ok, hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad.

Bet You Didn’t See This One Did You?

Just The Thing For The Red Neck That Has Everything

I Still Have Burn Marks On My Tongue

Where Else Would You Use Them?

Hey Boss, We May Have Made A Little Mistake

For People Who Hate To Sleep

The Dark One Will Thank Us!

Your Going To Washington This Year!

Some Men Just Get It

That Ones 18 Years…And Then Some