If Everyone Was Honest At Job Interviews

Unlikely Barney Episodes

1. “BARNEY GETS A BONER”
2. “BARNEY’S NIGHT WITH MADONNA”
3. “BARNEY, BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD”
4. “BARNEY DOES SNUFFELUPIGUS”
5. “JURASSIC BARNEY”
6. “BARNEY TALKS TO THE AUTHORITIES ABOUT MISSING CHILDREN”
7. “BARNEY GETS THE LAB RESULTS ON THOSE GREEN SPOTS”
8. “BARNEY BUYS A RUBBER”
9. “BARNEY BARBEQUES THE BACKYARD GANG”
10. “PICKING UP THE DINO-DOO”
11. “BOPPING BABY BOP”
12. “BARNEY’S FAVORITE SAILOR SONGS”
13. “BARNEY COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET”
14. “BARNEY MEETS GODZILLA”
15. “BARNEY ON A BENDER”
16. “BARNEY HAS NEEDS…”
17. “BARNEY AT BETTY FORD”
18. “BARNEY ADMITS EATING ALL THE ADULTS”
19. “BARNEY’S BIG PURPLE ONE”
20. “BARNEY BUYS A BLOW-UP DOLL”
21. “BARNEY DOES IT DOGGIE-STYLE”

And There Is No Way To Prove The Truth

My wife just farted so loud she woke herself up, then turned over hit me and called me disgusting.

This is what love after 18 years of marriage is like boys.

First Child Vs. Third Child

When people visit you with your first child, they notice that it’s a lot like getting checked into a mental facility:
No choking hazards
All sharps are locked up
All activities are supervised
Someone walks the floors at night

But when they visit with your third child, they see it’s more like a trip to the circus:
Balloons everywhere
Someone announcing what they’re doing
A random child trying to take your food
Death defying feats off the couch
Organized chaos and it’s glorious

Finally, An Unbreakable Password

Your password must be between 732 and 942 characters. It cannot be the same as any word in any known language. It must include 3 hieroglyphs, ancient Babylonian text, and the solution to Fermat’s last theorem.

Quotes

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I’m a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Old Italian proverb

Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke. ~ Robin Hall

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchley

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. ~ Victor Borge

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.~ W. C. Fields

Enjoy life. Think of all the women who passed up dessert on the Titanic. ~ Anonymous

Sounds Like They All Deserve Each Other?

Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other’s behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman.

“Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!” his wife reported.

Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew.

Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met.

“She was a real lady,” his mistress said.

Gary’s spirits picked up.

“Why do you say that?” he asked.

“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”

Things Not To Say During Sex

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. And they say romance is dead…. (in the janitor’s closet)
6. Can you please try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone.
8. Is that a Medic-Alert pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me brake out.
11. Person 1: this is your first time…right?
12. Person 2: yeah today
13. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! (in the No Tell Motel)
14. Can you pass me the remote control?
15. Do you accept Visa?
16. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
17. On the second thought, let’s turn off the lights.
18. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend.
19. So much for mouth-to-mouth
20. Try not to leave any stains, o.k.? (using body paint)
21. Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober.
22. It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo. (holding a banana)
23. Do you get any premium movie channels?
24. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya’?
25. But I just steam cleaned this coach! (preparing to use peanut butter sexually)
26. Got any penicillin?
27. But I just brushed my teeth…
28. Smile, you’re on candid camera!
29. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs?!
30. I want a baby!
31. You could at least act like you’re enjoying it!
32. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said no!
33. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
34. I’ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlin!

State Of Mississippi Drivers License Application

Last name: ________________

(Check appropriate box)
First name: First name:

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse’s Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: __________________________

Lover’s Name: __________________________
2nd Lover’s Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number that are yours: ___

Mother’s Name: _______________________
Father’s Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still run
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 19__

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Guns An Amo

___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A _ How many?

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don’t know

True Stories Told On Insurance Forms

1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
9. I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
10. I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
11. I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
12. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
13. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
16. An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
18. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
20. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
21. In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
22. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
23. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

What’s Good For The Goose…

One morning, the members of a farm family were coming to the kitchen for breakfast. Just as Junior seated himself, his mother told him he was not going to get anything to eat until he went to the barn and fed the animals.

Irritated at this, he stomped out the door and headed for the barn. As he fed the chickens, he kicked each one in the head. As the cow bent down to start in on the fresh hay he had just put in the stall, he kicked it in the head. He poured food into the trough for the pigs, and as they started eating, he kicked them in the head. He went back to the kitchen and sat down again.

His mother was furious. “I saw what you did, so since you kicked the chickens, you’ll get no eggs for breakfast. And since you kicked the cow, you’ll get no milk. And no bacon or sausage because you kicked the pigs.”

Just then, the father came down the stairs and nearly tripped on the family cat. On impulse, he kicked the cat off the stairs.

The boy looked at his mother and asked “Are you gonna tell him or should I

Lets Hear It For Cannibalism

Are Those Covered By Insurance?

How Would You Look At Him?

I’m Going To Need To Rewrite My Will

Yeh, It’s The Boomers Fault

Who Says You Shouldn’t Have Cereal For Breakfast?

So Boss I Have This Idea…

Where Else Would You Use Them?

Cool! Lets Do This!

See No Evil Hear No Evil Speak No Evil…About What?