DOROTHY vs ALICE: Princess Rap Battle

Mae West Quotes

• “I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.”
• “Save a boyfriend for a rainy day—and another, in case it doesn’t rain.”
• “Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I’m tired.”
• “Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them for years.”
• “Between two evils, I generally like to pick the one I never tried before.”
• “If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!”
• “Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
• “All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.”
• “He’s the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.”
• “I’m a woman of very few words, but lots of action.”
• “Look your best—who said love is blind?”
• “I’m single because I was born that way.”
• “I only like two kinds of men, domestic and imported.”
• “Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can’t figure out what from.”
• “Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.”
• “There are no good girls gone wrong—just bad girls found out.”
• “His mother should have thrown him out and kept the stork.”
• “Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.”
• “A hard man is good to find.”
• “When women go wrong, men go right after them.”
• “I speak two languages, Body and English.”
• “It’s better to be looked over than overlooked.”
• “To err is human, but it feels divine.”
• “He who hesitates is a damned fool.”
• “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
• “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.”
• “Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.”
• “I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.’”
• “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.”
• “Sex is an emotion in motion.”
• “When I’m good, I’m very good. But when I’m bad I’m better.”

Boyfriend 5.0 To Husband 1.0

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

Even More Fun Stuff To Do When You Have A Roommate

Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, “I was curious.”

Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn’t obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until s/he pays the tickets.

Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, “Roommate Dying in a Car Crash,” and “Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel.” Comment often about how much you love the paintings

Subscribe to as many mailing lists and reply to as much junk mail as possible under your roommate’s name. Complain that you never get mail.

Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, “I’m melting, I’m melting!”

When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, “I’m watching you.”

Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new position every night.

Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that you’re afraid of aliens.

Buy copies of Playgirl if you are male, or Playboy if you are female. Read the magazine very slowly. If your roommate comments, grin and say, “I bought it for the articles.”

Take a thirty-minute shower. Turn the water off. Go to the toilet for five minutes. Get back in the shower and take another thirty-minute shower. If your roommate comments, shake your head and mutter, “Damn diarrhea.”

Leave morbid outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative.

Groom yourself like a cat.

Say everything in Pig Latin.

Refer to yourself in the royal third person.

Two words: Nudist colony.

Tattoo your roommate’s name on your butt. Insist that s/he do the same for you.

Walk around with a hot dog sticking out of your fly. Act like it isn’t there.

Constantly ask your roommate, “Do you feel lucky?” while fingering a bulge under your jacket.

Child’s Perspective on Retirement

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

“We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

“They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don’t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can’t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.”

Funny Instructions

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it’s ‘just’ a suggestion!)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let’s experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn’t that save more time?) (Whose body?)

On Boot’s Children’s cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm…something must have gotten lost in the translation…)

On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I’m curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one…)

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you’ve tried this…)

On a child’s Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That’s right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

I Wish I Had Said This To My Teacher

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: I don’t know. Can you?

Student: Yes. I might add that colloquial irregularities occur frequently in any language. Since you and the rest of our present company understood perfectly my intended meaning, being particular about the distinctions between “can” and “may” is purely pedantic and arguably pretentious.

How To Interpret Antique Car Ads

Official conversion chart

Rare Model……Nobody liked them when new either
Older Restoration……Can’t tell it’s been restored
Needs Engine…….It’s been frozen for 30 years
Uses No Oil…….Just throws it out
No Rust…….Body and fenders missing
Rough…….It’s to bad to lie about
One Owner…….Never been able to sell
No Time To Complete…….Can’t find parts anywhere
Needs Interior…….Seats are gone
Rebuilt Engine…….Has new spark plugs
May Run …….But it never has
Low Mileage …….Third time around
Many New Parts …….Keeps breaking down
29 Coats Hand-Rubbed Paint …….Needed that much to cover rust
Clean …….It sat out in the rain yesterday
Best Offer…….About what I expect to get
Always Driven Slowly…….Won’t go any faster
Prize Winner…….Hard luck trophy 3 times in a row
Stored 25 Years…….Under a tree
Real Show Stopper …….Orange with purple fenders
Easy Restoration…….Parts will come off in your hand
Ready To Show…….Just washed it
Top Good…….Only leaks when it rains
Good Investment…….Can’t depreciate any more

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.

Patron: No, it’s still there.

Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.

Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . $1.00

Pet Truths

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Dog’s have owners. Cat’s have staff.

Dogs shed, cats shred.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

People that hate dogs will come back as cats in their next life.

We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?

Women and cats will do as they please… men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

Larry Is In The Hospital

Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Sandy, his wife says,
“Where the hell have you been?”

Larry replies “I was out getting a tattoo!”

“A tattoo?” She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking?” She said, shaking her head in disgust.
“Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, finally, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

Larry is in the St Luke’s Hospital, Intensive Care Unit, Room 233.

Oh Come On They Had To Have Known Someone Would Try It!

If I Have To Deal With These Stupid Meetings Then So Do They!

Please, Just Stop!

You Believe In Reincarnation Don’t You?

When Even The Corporations Don’t Care Anymore, You Know The Drugs Won The War On Drugs

I’m Sure They Didn’t Mean For It To Look Like This, …Right?

So You Finally Realized How Bad Drugs Are Huh? No, Not Really

What? Turkey Legs Are Great!

There’s A Lot To Unpack Here

Which One Are You?