Best Saw In Half Trick Ever

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation:
ROBUST
FREE-SPIRITED
COST-EFFICIENT
UKRAINIAN
PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
15. Stutter on the letter “p.”
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino’s, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the orderer taker from somewhere. Say “Bed-Wetters’ Camp, right?”
26. Start your order with “I’d like. . . “. A little later, slap yourself and say “No, I don’t.”
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say “OK. That’ll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.”
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

What A Choice!

You can retire to Phoenix or Tucson, Arizona where…
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California where…
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where…
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (Note: If you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where…
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where…
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.” It’s important to know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest where…
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where.
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Greeting Cards You Will Never See In The Hallmark Store

1. Front: I heard you have gone deaf.
     Inside: I’ll bet you didn’t.

2. Front: I’m sorry to hear you have gone blind.
     Inside: See you later, you fu(king b@stard!

3. Front: I’m sorry to hear you are brain dead.
     Inside: It’s really not that bad when you think about it.

4. Front: My sympathies on the last of your father’s teeth falling out.
     Inside: Well, dadgummit!

5. Front: My condolences on the loss of your arms.
     Inside: Write back soon!

6. Front: I’m sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer’s disease.
     Inside: I’m sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer’s disease.

7. Front: I heard that you were very sick.
     Inside: I hope that you die painlessly.

8. Front: I heard you were dead.
     Inside: I hope it was painless.

9. Front: I heard your whole family got shot.
     Inside: So I turned up the volume on the stereo.

10. Front: Congratulations on your first period!
      Inside: Let’s go out and paint the town red!

11. Front: Thank God you aren’t pregnant!
      Inside: I might have had to admit I’ve had s ex with you.

12. Front: I heard that you attempted suicide.
      Inside: Wishing you luck and success in all that you do.

13. Front: After all these years, it was good to run into you again.
      Inside: Thank God this time you didn’t leave as much blood on my bumper!

14. Front: I was sorry to hear that your dog ran away.
      Inside: Next time try cooking him a little longer.

15. Front: They told me you were constipated.
      Inside: No shit?

16. Front: Wishing you a speedy recovery from your accident.
      Inside: Look forward to seeing you in court!

17. Front: Get well soon.
      Inside: I am sick of walking two miles to get water.

18. Front: Congratulations on finally getting a life.
      Inside: Now get ready to lose it.

19. Front: Hot damn!
      Inside: I’m sorry to hear that your house burned down.

20. Front: Congratulations on your weight loss!
      Inside: It’s a shame you had to saw off your legs to do it.

21. Front: When life deals you a hard blow…
      Inside: So can I, big boy.

Salary Increase

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!!

Dear Bo$$,
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon

Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager

Big Busted Women…

1. can get a taxi on the worst days
2. have a neat place to carry spare change
3. have always been the center of the arts (art)
4. make jogging a spectator sport
5. can keep a magazine dry while laying the tub
6. have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
7. usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
8. can always carry a little extra
9. always float better
10. know where to look first for lost earrings
11. rarely lack for a slow dance partner
12. have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

Serves Him Right

Does it bother anyone else when someone is on their cell phone and conducts very personal calls that you really don’t want to hear but are trapped into listening to? You’ll enjoy this one:

After a busy day, and just as everyone was settling down for a nap on the train for home, a man sitting in the midst hauled out his cell phone and started up a loud, lengthy conversation:

“Hi darling, it’s Bob… I’m on the train…Yes, I know it’s the 6:30 not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting…No, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss… No, darling, you’re the only one in my life…Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., blah, blah, blah . . .”

When this went on more than 15 minutes, a young woman sitting opposite him, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, “Hey, Bob! Turn off that phone and come back to bed!”

For Cat Lovers

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Cat’s motto #1: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Cat’s motto #2: Bite the hand that won’t feed you fast enough.

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.

Cats don’t hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don’t, so that’s all right.

Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Cats know what we feel. They don’t care, but they know.

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

The Black Bra

(As told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 40+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, fishnet stockings, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my fiancé came over he found me with a black leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too!
The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, fishnet stockings, stiletto heels and a mask over my eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
(You are going to love this!)

What’s for dinner, Zorro?

WORLD’S EASIEST QUIZ!

(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)

1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI’s first name?
8 ) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below.

ANSWERS
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?
Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
November

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
Dogs

7) What was King George VI’s first name?
Albert

8 ) What color is a purple finch?
Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange(of course!)

What do you mean, you failed?!!
Me, too…!!!
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)

Truisms About Love and Sex

Love and sex are perhaps the most perplexing (and entertaining) aspects of the human condition. Here then are a few truisms to help keep things in perspective.

• Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
• The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
• Nothing improves with age.
• No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.
• There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
• Sex appeal is 50 percent what you’ve got and 50 percent what people think you’ve got.
• Sex is like snow—you never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it’s going to last.
• If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
• Virginity can be cured.
• Sex has no calories.
• When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
• Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
• The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.
• Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.
• It is always the wrong time of month.
• When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
• Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.
• Sow your wild oats on Saturday night. On Sunday, pray for crop failure.
• The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
• It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
• Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
• There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
• Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.
• Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
• If the effort that went into research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot dog stands on the moon.
• Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.
• Sex is a three-letter word that needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
• One good turn gets most of the blankets.
• You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
• Abstain from wine, women and song. Mostly song.
• Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
• Never argue with a woman when she’s tired—or rested.
• A woman never forgets the men she could have had. A man, the women he couldn’t.
• What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
• It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
• A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.
• Beauty is skin deep. Ugly goes right to the bone.
• A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
• There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
• Never go to bed mad—stay up and fight.
• Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

I Guess He Couldn’t Fit It In The Overhead

Or Be Rich Enough To Afford The Plastic Surgery

Don’t Worry Sir We’ll Take Good Care Of Your Car

Unfortunate There’s Not Much Chance Of That

I Always Wondered How They Made Those Things

Who Says I Can’t Eat My Own Face! Watch This!

The Years Have Been Cruel

Remotes For Dummies

Those Who Can’t Do Teach

I’m Going To Take A Wild Guess And Say He’s Rich As All Hell