Your Inbox In Real Life

Children Books NOT Recommended By The National Library Association

1. Bob the Germ’s Wondrous Journey Into and Back Out of Your Digestive System.
2. The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civilians.
3. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’s Games of Revenge.
4. Peter Rabbit’s Frisky Adventures.
5. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The ‘Hood’.
6. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidentally Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.
7. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.
8. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.
9. The Tickling Babysitter
10. A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides.
11. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.
12. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.
13. Babar Meets the Taxidermist and Becomes a Piano.
14. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.
15. David Duke’s World of Imagination.
16. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.
17. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.
18. Legends of Scab Football.
19. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina.
20. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer.
21. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can’t
22. Ed Beckley’s Start a Real-Estate Empire with the change from your Mom’s Purse.
23. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.
24. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will.
25. Let’s Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on.
26. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.
27. Dad’s New Wife Timothy
28. Pop! Goes The Hamster …And Other Great Microwave Games
29. Maybe Dick
30. The Boy Who Ate Spinach …And Lived To Tell About It
31. How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
32. Safe Sex And The Zip-Lock bag
33. Testing Home Made Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets
34. Egghead – And Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty
35. The Complete Set Of “Mother Got Goosed” Nursery Rhymes
36. Those Great Childhood Fragrances… Apple Pie, Cotton Candy And Bicycle Seats

Assigning Employees To Departments

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting or Sales.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are jittery and crazed from 2 hours without an internet connection, Computer Information Systems is their home.

If the room has a sweaty odor, put them in Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, send them to Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

Bart Simpson Chalkboard Sayings

1. I will not waste chalk
2. I will not skateboard in the halls
3. I will not burp in class
4. I will not instigate revolution
5. I will not draw naked ladies in class
6. I did not see Elvis
7. I will not call my teacher ‘Hot Cakes’
8. Garlic gum is not funny
9. They are laughing at me, not with me
10. I will not yell “fire” in a crowded classroom
11. I will not encourage others to fly
12. I will not fake my way through life
13. Tar is not a plaything
14. I will not Xerox my butt
15. I will not trade pants with others
16. I will not do that thing with my tongue
17. I will not drive the principal’s car
18. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
19. I will not sell school property
20. I will not cut corners
21. I will not get very far with this attitude
22. I will not make flatulent noises in class
23. I will not belch the National Anthem
24. I will not sell land in Florida
25. I will not grease the monkey bars
26. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
27. I will not do anything bad ever again
28. I will not show off {The board was written in an Old English font}

Remarks Never Heard At The Daytona 500

– None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth.
– Tampax! Get your Tampax here!
– Hey, shut up! I can’t hear the race!
– Sex with your sister? Man, that’s sick.
– My God, this is a splendid Merlot.
– Hey, you with the large breasts, out of the way. We’re trying to watch a race here.
– Jeeves, be a good man and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attach case. Then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone.
– What a coincidence, Hank, all my friends are boycotting Hooters, too.
– These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert.
– Good morning, Mr. Trickle. We at ‘Depends’ understand you’re looking for a new corporate sponsor.
– Filling in for Dale ‘The Intimidator’ Earnhardt today is substitute driver, Michael ‘Lord of the Dance’ Flatley.
– And now, singing our national anthem, international recording artist Boy George.

Job Security Quiz

1. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you…
A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you’re planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you’ve finished the level.

2. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
A. Stay home and watch ‘I Love Lucy’ reruns.
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your boss’s house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

3. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you’ve written the word “union.”

4. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you…
A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it … then tell the CEO’s secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it … then proudly tell the CEO’s secretary that you did it.

5. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid’s fifth birthday party, what do you do?
A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

Mostly A’s: You have nothing to worry about. They’ll never fire you because you’re a doormat.
Mostly B’s: You’re not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you’ll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You’re a real jerk.
Mostly C’s: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he’s terrified of what you might do.

If Companies Had Realistic Slogans What Would They Be?

1. Carnival Cruise: OH COME ON. What are the chances something will happen this time?
2. AOL: Still here
3. Dasani: Italian for “Coke just sold you water”
4. Yamaha: We’re not sure what motorcycles and saxophones have to do with each other either.
5. Geek Squad: Let us Google that for you.
6. Motel 6: We will leave the lights on for you because we are in a dangerous neighborhood!
7. Ben and Jerry’s: who are we kidding a pint is definitely one serving
8. TAMPAX: We may not be #1, but we’re up there.
9. Hot Pockets: a different temperature in every bite
10. FreeCreditReport.com: Credit reports are already free, but don’t let our name fool you, this one really isn’t.
11. Sallie Mae: Why retire when you can work FOREVER?!?!
12. Febreeze: Making your restrooms smell like flowers AND shit.
13. Red Robin: When you don’t want to spend much taking the kids out, but you need alcohol.
14. Barnes & Noble: Your Local Library Now Has A Starbucks
15. Costco: When you’re not sure what you want, but you know you want a LOT of it.
16. Costco. Everything’s in bulk. You want to eat cheese, go to a supermarket. You want to build something out of cheese, go to Costco.
17. Walmart: Home of 53 registers, with only 3 open!
18. Facebook: we know more about you than you do
19. Snapple: Made from Stuff on Earth.
20. Snapple: The secret ingredient is sugar.
21. SlimJim: If we showed you how we make these you’d stop eating meat forever.
22. Axe: Smell like a sixth grader.
23. Blockbuster: “Remember us?”
24. Preparation H: Because your guts are coming out of your asshole a little.
25. Radioshack: We’re still in business, go figure.
26. Radioshack: You want to buy some batteries? What’s your address?
27. Applebee’s: For when you’re too lazy to prepare your own frozen food
28. Koch Brothers: Hoarding all of your money to make more money

I Want My Pictures Back

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girl friend with the following note:

“I don’t remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.”

A navy seal would have mailed it postage due.

Google Products We’ll Never See

1. Google Hitman Assistant – Find, schedule, and collect on all your assassinations with this suite of products.
2. Googlearchy – Tired of democracy? Install the government that everyone loves without annoying pop-up ads.
3. Google Smite – An extension of Google Earth; uses laser beams attached to satellites to exact revenge or just have some fun for paid subscribers.
4. Google Carnage – Use real-time satellite images to zoom in and see car, train, or plane crashes and other disasters.
5. Google Ogle – The hottest unsecured webcams on the Internet.
6. Googlebator – Google’s first attempt at hardware; to be used in conjunction with Google Ogle
7. Google Alibi – Paid service that will provide you with a credible account for your whereabouts.
8. Google Telegraph – Dash-Dot, Dash-Dash-Dash, Dash
9. Google Gaggle – The only search engine for geese.
10. Google Invading Force – Some pesky third world country got you down? Send in the troops with Google’s new troop management tool.
11. Gogoel – Search tool for dyslexics.

More Fun Things to Do in a Final That Does Not Matter

1. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she/he is not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
2. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
3. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, and be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
4. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, and continue with the exam.
5. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
6. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).
7. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
8. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Fuck this!” and walk out triumphantly.
9. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).
10. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
11. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”
12. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
13. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling, “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.
14. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
15. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say, “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”
16. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

Are You Scottish?

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, “Hello, are you three ladies from Scotland?”

One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!”

So I apologized and replied, “I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?”

And that’s the last thing I remember.

What, You Never Seen An Autopsy Before?

Either Someone Didn’t Think This Thru, Or They Found A New Way To Advertise

What’s The Point Of Taking This Picture?

SLUT!

Damn These Are Long Lights

The Nicest Way Ever To Say, DON’T PISS ON THE FLOOR!!!

No!

Your Going To Show This At My Wedding Aren’t You?

I Don’t Care What Anyone Says This Online Dating Stuff Is Crap!

Fraternity Brother In Training