New Horror Trailer

Marketing An Over-50 Barbie

Not long ago, Mattel’s famous and much-loved doll, Barbie, turned 50. Creative Marketers have been working on the new possibilities…

1. Bifocals Barbie: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Cook’s Arms Barbie: Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muu-muus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.

5. Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.

6. No More Wrinkles Barbie: Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin’s egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Midlife Crisis Barbie: It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.”

9. Single Mother Barbie: There’s not much time for primping anymore! Ken’s shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie’s across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie’s selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.

10. Recovery Barbie: Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.

Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to Nursing Home (both new and improved-wheelchair-accessible and retrofitted to conform to ADA code requirements), the possibilities (not to mention the accessories) are endless!

Cannibal Programmers

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: “You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don’t trouble the other employees.”

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?”

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: “Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?”

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: “You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!”

Cat Quotes

When I play with my cat, who knows if I am not a pastime to her more than she is to me? – Montaigne

There is, incidently, no way of talking about cats that enables one to come off as a sane person – Dan Greenberg

No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove his fur from your couch – Leo Dworken

Cats can be cooperative when something feels good, which, to a cat, is the way everything is supposed to feel as much of the time as possible – Roger Caras

Like a graceful vase, a cat, even when motionless, seems to flow – George F Will

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose – Garrison Keillor

By and large, people who enjoy teaching animals to roll over will find themselves happier with a dog – Barbara Holland

A meow massages the heart – Stuart McMillan

Cats are the ultimate narcissists You can tell this by all the time they spend on personal grooming Dogs aren’t like this A dog’s idea of personal grooming is to roll in a dead fish – James Gorman

If we treated everyone we meet with the same affection we bestow upon our favorite cat, they, too, would purr – Martin Buxbaum

Cats always know whether people like or dislike them They do not always care enough to do anything about it – Winifred Carriere

If a cat does something, we call it instinct; if we do the same thing, for the same reason, we call it intelligence – Will Cuppy

There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat – Wesley Bates

The trouble with cats is that they’ve got no tact – P G Wodehouse

Cats’ hearing apparatus is built to allow the human voice to easily go in one ear and out the other – Stephen Baker

One Little Dot

A class was given a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class. He picked up a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

“It’s a ‘period’,” he replied.

“I can see that,” said the teacher, “but what is so exciting about a ‘period’?”

“Darned if I know,” said the boy, “but yesterday my sister was missing one, Mom fainted, Dad had a heart attack and the boy next door joined the Navy.

Bumper Stickers With The Letter “C”

• Can I pay my Visa with my MasterCard?
• CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!!! ??
• Can’t Feed ‘Em! Don’t Breed Em’!
• Careful, I’m not wearing clean underwear!
• Cat: The Other White Meat
• Caution — Driver Legally Blonde
• CAUTION I BRAKE FOR HOOKERS.
• CAUTION! I drive like you do!
• Caution: I brake for no apparent reason.
• Caution: I brake for no apparent reason.
• CAUTION: This car will be left behind during rapture.
• Change a life; make someone feel important.
• Change is good…you go first!
• Change Is Inevitable, Except From A Vending Machine
• Chemistry Professors Never Die, They Just Smell That Way!
• Children are like farts: your own are just about tolerable but everyone else’s are horrendous.
• Clean up America. Kill a redneck!
• Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
• Clones are people 2
• Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich.
• Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
• Cole’s Law: Thinly Sliced Cabbage
• Conceive. Believe. Achieve.
• Condoms are easier to change than diapers!
• Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
• Confucious say “Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.”
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• Conserve toilet paper – use both sides.
• Conserve water – Shower with a friend
• Constipated People Don’t Give A Shit.
• Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
• Could You Drive Any Better If I Shoved That Cell Phone Up Your Ass?
• Cover Me I’m Changing Lanes

Sure Ways to Tell You’re Aging

When you go to the Ocean, you don’t swim
You take a metal detector

You hate to nap on the couch anymore
Your wife keeps calling 911 thinking you’ve had a stroke

At your last visit to your Doctor’s
You hummed along with the elevator music

He’s what every woman wants – strong, thoughtful sensitive and caring –
Now with his pacemaker, he’s battery operated too

I’m gradually getting my body back into shape –
At least twice a week I think about doing some exercise

The qualities that attracted a man and a woman to each other –
are the same ones they can’t stand twenty years later

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work–
I want to achieve immortality through not dying” (Woody Allen)

Men! Listen to me. Retire as soon as you possibly can –
Nothing’s worse than being peerless in a peer-review system

You realize about all you know about yuppies is
they’re younger than you and you’re pretty sure they aren’t hippies.

Golden Age is when the Grandkids are too old to need baby-sitters
And too young to date or borrow money

How To Make Money

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.”

“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

Pick-up Lines and Rebuttals

Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.”

Man: “Haven’t I seen you some place before?
Woman: “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Man: “Is this seat empty?”
Woman: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

Man: “So…wanna go back to my place?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Man: “Your place or mine?”
Woman: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

Man: “I’d really like to get into your pants.”
Woman: “No thanks. There’s already one asshole in there.”

Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”

Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”

Man: “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?”
(Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: “Je voudrais bien, mais je n’ai rien a porter.”
(I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)

Man: “What sign were you born under?”
Woman: “No Parking.”

Man: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman: “Do Not Enter” (or) “Stop”

Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized!”

Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason.”
Woman: “Yeah!!! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

Man: “I’m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.”
Woman: “You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?”

Man: “I know how to please a woman.”
Woman: “Then please leave me alone.”

Man: “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Man: “I can tell that you want me.”
Woman: “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you to leave.”

Man: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy:
Woman: “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”

Man: “Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”

Man: “May I see you pretty soon?”
Woman: “Why? Don’t you think I’m pretty now?”

Man: “Your hair color is fabulous.”
Woman: “Thank you. It’s on aisle three at the corner drug store.”

Man: “Your body is like a temple.”
Woman: “Sorry, there are no services today.”

Man: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you.”
Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?”

Things To Watch For If You Suspect “Downsizing”

• Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club
• Dr. Kevorkian is hired as an “Out Placement Coordinator”
• The women are suddenly very friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager
• The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is in unlabeled cans
• Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters
• Company President now driving a Ford Escort
• Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to a Taco Bell
• Employee discount days at Army/Navy Surplus Store are discontinued
• Dental plan is now a Company supplied kit (String, pliers and 2 aspirin)
• CEO has a dart board marked with all existing departments in the Company
• People saying “Remember folks, we’re not Downsizing, we’re Rightsizing!!”

Miss-Translations

In a Tokyo Hotel:
“Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.”

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
“The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.”

In a Leipzig elevator:
“Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.”

In Akko, Israel:
“Lamp Chops”

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
“To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.”

In a Paris hotel elevator:
“Please leave your values at the front desk.”

In a hotel in Athens:
“Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.”

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
“The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the fob of the chambermaid.”

In a Japanese hotel:
“You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
“You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.”

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
“Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.”

On the menu in a Swiss restaurant:
“Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.”

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
“Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.”

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
“Ladies may have a fit upstairs.”

In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s:
“Drop your trousers here for best results.”

Outside a Paris dress shop:
“Dresses for street walking.”

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
“Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.”

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
“There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.”

Ya Wana Push?

Only In Canada Would You See A Sign Like This! Read To The End

For His Car Chasing License

Every Stoner’s Dream Girl

Shouldn’t The Parachute Have Opened By Now?

Truer Words Were Never Said

It’s Your Turn To Burp Him

No I Don’t Think My Eyes Are Bigger Then My Stomach Why Do You Ask?

Trampolines Are Good Excersize For Everyone

You Know I’m A Good Reader Too!