I honor of Teacher Appreciation Week

Cool Teacher vs. Class Clown – Key & Peele

You’re A Teacher If…

• You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
• You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
• You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free.”
• You believe chocolate is a food group.
• You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
• You believe “Shallow gene pool” should have its own box in the report card.
• You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
• When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know to correct their behavior.
• You have no life between August to June.
• When you mention “Vegetables” you’re not talking about a food group.
• You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
• You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
• You believe in aerial Prozac spraying.
• You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary school for the last 10 years.
• You’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would “Never DREAM” of doing your job.
• You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
• You know you are in for a major project when a parent says “I have a great idea I’d like to discuss. I think it would be such fun.”
• You want to choke a person when they say “Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you.”
• Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers the question “Why is this kid like this?”

All Teachers Have To Learn To Do This

I had recess duty a few years ago. A kindergarten girl came running over with another girl right after her and said “She called me the b-word.”

When I asked the second student if she called the first student the b-word, she turned to the first one and said “Motherfu(ker doesn’t start with a b.”

I managed to turn my laugh into a cough, but yeah no more recess for her that day.

Students Exam Papers

The following real-life answers to various exam papers explain why teachers need long holidays.

• What is a nitrate?: Cheaper than a day rate.
• What was Sir Walter Raleigh famous for?: He is a noted figure in history because he invented cigarettes and started a craze for bicycles.
• What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?: Unusual names.
• Name one of the early Romans’ greatest achievements: Learning to speak Latin.
• Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic?: Two polar bears. Four seals.
• How does Romeo’s character develop throughout the play?: It doesn’t. it’s just self, self, self, all the way
• through.
• Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the underworld: Mrs. Orpheus.
• Where was the American Declaration Of Independence signed?: At the bottom.
• What happens during puberty to a boy?: He says goodbye to his childhood and enters adultery.
• What is the meaning of the word varicose?: Close by.
• What is a fibula?: A little lie.
• What is a vibration?: There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960s.
• Where was Hadrian’s Wall built?: Around Hadrian’s garden.
• The race of people known as Malays come from which country?: Malaria.

Little Eddy’s Test

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, “Eddy what is your problem?” Eddy answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”

The teacher had had enough.

She took Eddy to the principal’s office.

While Eddy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Eddy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Eddy: “9″.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Eddy: “36″.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Eddy can go to the third-grade.”

The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?”

The principal and Eddy both agree.

The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Eddy, after a moment, “Legs.”

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Eddy replied, “Pockets.”

Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Eddy: “Pants”

Teacher: What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Eddy: Coconut

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Eddy was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Eddy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Eddy: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?
Eddy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Eddy: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Eddy: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Eddy: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Eddy: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?
Eddy: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Eddy in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.”

Traditional Anniversary Gifts

If you want to get divorced

1st year Glowing amulet
2nd year Wailing skull
3rd year A mysterious orb that grants wishes, but for each wish granted it takes a human life.
4th year 1,OOO lizards
5th year The head of a shared enemy
6th year A flock of ravens that ominously encircles overhead and obeys voice commands
7th year Hot Topic Gift Card
8th year Enchanted dagger
9th year The stolen hopes & dreams of a small child
10th year 200 gallons of potato salad

Teaching 5 Year Olds To Read

From a teacher

My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, ‘Look at this! It’s a frickin’ elephant!’

I took a deep breath , then asked…’What did you call it?’

‘It’s a frickin’ elephant! It says so on the picture!’

And so it does…

‘African Elephant’

Hooked on phonics! Ain’t it wonderful?

Now that’s funny, I don’t care who you are.

More Sarcastic Quotes

1. “A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.” – Sir Winston Churchill
2. “Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.”
3. “Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” – Stephen Colbert
4. “Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
5. “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.” – Walter Matthau
6. “Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams.”
7. “So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?”
8. “I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”
9. “When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.”
10. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
11. “Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.” – Albert Einstein
12. “History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.” – Abba Eban
13. “I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?”
14. “Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.”
15. “If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.”
16. “My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.” – Rodney Dangerfield
17. “People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world.”

Well You Have To Make Sure Their Healthy First

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”

His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”

Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”

Best Ways To Die

1. Exploring an ancient tomb
2. Smothered by pandas
3. Valiantly, while thrusting a sword into the heart of an alien queen
4. Cupcake overdose
5. Triple backflip into a volcano
6. At a waterpark so your ghost has a fun place to hang out for eternity
7. Blimp accident
8. Shot out of cannon
9. Outsmarted by a team of velociraptors

Taxi Ride

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s my entirely my fault, today is my first day driving a cab…. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 35 years.”

Sometimes You Just Need The Right Ambiance

The One On The Left Is Brand New

Hey, It Was All For Science

This Should Be A Poster In Every Chemistry Class

Do You Really Want Me To Explain This Again?

Why You Should Always Check Your Child’s Homework

Yep, That’s Gym Class

It’s The Latest Thing

They Don’t Make Them Like That Anymore

You Thought He Was Kidding Didn’t You