What’s Your Partner’s Least Attractive Feature

Dogs Rules For Humans

1. Don’t come home smelling of other dogs.
2. You must feed me every goodie you eat.
3. Don’t call me or lead me to a bath
4. Let me outside even though I just came in, there was an area I forgot to sniff.
5. I can sleep anywhere I choose even if it means you trip over me.
6. Don’t shhhh me from barking while you are on the phone, I heard the wind blowing the leaves.
7. Don’t move me while sleeping sideways in the middle of the bed, you have enough room on the edge.
8. Don’t think you can leave a room without me.
9. If it lands on the floor it’s MINE!

Aspiring Felon Pro-Tip

If the police pull you over and ask, “Is there anything in your car I should know about?”

Go over the car’s in features in excruciating detail.

They love that shit.

Life On The Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk

A day in the life at the etch-a-sketch help desk…

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don’t shake it.

How Do You Confuse This New Generation?

Lock them in a house with a rotary phone, an analog watch, tv with no remote and rabbit ears, a computer with dial up, stick shift car parked in the driveway, and leave the directions for everything in cursive.

Female Tee-Shirts

• Guys have feelings too…But like…who cares?
• Next mood swing: 6 minutes
• No, we haven’t met…and aren’t likely to either
• I hate everybody, and you’re next
• Please don’t make me kill you
• And your point is…
• I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now
• I’m busy…You’re repulsive…Have a nice day
• Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it
• I know you want me…now stop the damn drooling
• No, I don’t remind you of anyone…I’m unique
• Of course I don’t look busy…I did it right the 1st time
• Why do guys with closed minds always open their mouths?
• I’m multitalented: I can talk & annoy you at the same time
• Don’t start with me…You won’t win
• You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
• All stressed out and no one to choke
• I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people
• How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
• Sorry if I looked interested…I’m not!!!
• Don’t upset me…I’m running out of places to hide the bodies

Last Words

In Ireland, the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying.

The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips. The very frail Nun
drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

“Mother,” the nuns asked earnestly, “Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us”.

She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:

“DON’T SELL THAT COW.”

Senior Personal Ads

(As seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers)

Who says seniors don’t have a sense of humor?

FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80′s, slim, 5′-4″ (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Not in running condition but walks well.

Only In An Emergency

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So, I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road carefully, got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They looked so lifelike you wouldn’t believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

As I expected, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

“What’s going on here?”

“My car has a flat tire,” I said calmly.

“Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?”

I couldn’t believe that he didn’t know. So I told him, “Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!”

Top 10 Funny Store Signs

1. Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.”
2. Outside a hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
3. On a desk in a reception room: “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.”
4. In a veterinarians waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!”
5. At the electric company: “We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if
you don’t you will be.”
6. On the door of a computer store: “Out for a quick byte.”
7. In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”
8. Inside a bowling alley: “Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.”
9. In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”
10. In a counselors office: “Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

Yes We Do!

Nice guys finish last.

Of course we do.

Because we make sure our women finishes first.

Multiple times.

And You Wondered Why Their Going Out Of Business

We Seriously Don’t Care

The Justin Bieber Story

A Manly Meal!

If You Don’t Get This Joke Your Too Young For Me To Data You

He’ll Either Laugh Or Arrest You. Probably Both

So That’s What It Means

Inquiring Minds Want To Know

These Are The Droids Your Looking For

Not This Social Media Crap!